A little Narcissism is normal and healthy~ but a lotta Narcissism can be toxic.

For over a couple of decades now, people have found my web materials on Borderline Personality Disorder through online searches that began with “narcissism.” They might learn more about this particular topic, yet it doesn’t seem to quite match-up with their day to day experiences of being in a tormenting, painful relationship~ whether it be with a parent, sibling or romantic interest.

Still feeling intensely confounded and curious about WHY this is, they might see a search option reference to “emotional vampires.” When they follow that thread, it may yield even more search options which mention Borderlines or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

My point is, most of society is familiar with the term, narcissism~ even if they don’t have the advantage of a deep, clinical understanding of it, and can’t identify it, save for a few stereotypical references that mostly have to do with what many associate with hearty levels of ‘conceit.’ This is an easy assumption about Narcissists, because their way of compensating for insecurities and poor self-worth, is through exhibiting grandiose attitudes and behaviors that often smack of bravado (or invincibility).

Narcissists do not “love themselves,” contrary to popular belief. In reality, quite the opposite is true. The Narcissist is full of self-loathing, but he/she will never let you see this aspect, because it’s cloaked in a suit of armor that they’ve constructed since early childhood, to survive the setbacks and harrowing challenges they faced.

These days, the general public too frequently associates malevolent or toxic relationship experiences with a term that’s erroneously bandied about~ and it’s called, “malignant narcissism.” In my personal and clinical experience, this is a misnomer, because IF one’s narcissism has reached “malignant” levels, it teeters on the edge of psychosis~ which is the “crazy-making” stuff that someone in love with one of these individuals has to contend with on a frequent basis.

Someone who seems rational, lucid and sane one day, and completely unhinged the next, is not an individual who is simply “narcissistic.” When we take inventory of the times this unhinged/over-reactive, histrionic behavior throws a monkey wrench into our relatively calm relationship dynamic, we can’t help but notice how disruptive it’s felt to the harmony we’d longed for and anticipated at the start of our dance with that person!

ALL BORDERLINES ARE NARCISSISTIC. Even the Borderlines who appear fragile, vulnerable and needful (like the BPD Waif) are devoid of the capacity for empathy. These Folks who inspire our pity are lacking in healthy boundaries, impulse control, and empathy (not to be confused with sympathy).

You must remember, that Empathy is the ability to identify with and relate to another’s pain, inner experiences and perspectives. When one has dissociated from their own difficult feelings since around the age of two (when mental analysis of their feelings started), one is unable to experience/feel the depth or weight of another’s discomfort.

While you’d think that Codependents are the most empathic people on our planet, the acute opposite is true. When someone compulsively gives to others, he or she is projecting their own disowned feelings of sympathy and compassion onto anyone who inspires their pity! The urge to “rescue” another spawns from their inability to have rescued themselves as children, growing up with a very limited supply of nurturant parental resources.

This child quickly learns how to GIVE to others what he/she desperately needs, but has never managed to receive. Vicarious satisfaction is gained thru their over-giving behaviors, because the ‘giver’ can at least supply others with the concern, attention and affection he or she lacked from infancy onward, and it imbues him/her with a transient sense of empowerment.

Truly empowered people don’t prey on the weak and needy. They naturally seek out the company of others like themselves, who vibrate at a far higher frequency. As an example, would you expect someone financially wealthy to surround themselves with those who aren’t? Of course you wouldn’t! This is not a question of eliteness. It’s just a fact, that rich people hang with other rich people~ just like homeless people cluster with others who live on the street.

Personal power is precisely analogous to this. In short, if you possess genuine empowerment, you aren’t compulsively attracted to those who do not. This isn’t to say you’re not philanthropic or altruistic, and that you lack a generous nature~ but you’re clear about who you are, and who you are not~ and IF you give to others, it springs from a well-stocked, secure inner bounty, which has nothing to do with a need to bolster your ego, or convince yourself you’re a “good person.”

Anyone who’s gotten anywhere in lifetime, is narcissistic~ ‘cause if they weren’t, they’d fail to get their physical needs met, and would perish! If I didn’t have a healthy dose of narcissism in my personality, I’d still be storing my articles in a desk drawer, and you’d have never heard of me~ which means, many lives would have been lost. Narcissism is not a dirty word. It is not egocentricity, and it’s definitely not ‘conceit,’ though I’m sure it can look this way at times.

In reality, narcissism is an integral personality aspect pertaining to confidence. If one lacks genuine confidence, one is never willing to draw attention to the Self, nor place themselves in a center-stage position, nor go out on a limb for their beliefs or ideals. Narcissism therefore, is an essential personality dimension for anyone who runs for public office~ particularly, the presidency of any given country.

I never regard my narcissism as shameful, or as a personality element I wanna rid myself of. I fully accept it as a dimension that has helped me survive~ and even thrive during this lifetime. I love sharing my wisdom, my hard-won knowledge, my concepts and experiences with the world at large, because I can accept, recognize and appreciate them as valuable. One devoid of narcissism cannot do this.

I have, over these many years in the practice of helping people heal, encountered a few individuals who are hanging on by a thread, due to a serious lack of narcissism. They don’t feel worthy or deserving of receiving what they want and need, nor do they believe they are entitled to love, happiness or contentment. They are lost souls who routinely teeter on the edge of a deep, black abyss that threatens to envelop ‘em, and they often contemplate how much better off those in their immediate world might be without them.

We all have light and dark personality aspects… but far too many can only ‘hold’ this concept on an intellectual level, which means a lack of emotional/cellular integration. You can tell someone all day long, their dark or vile aspects are very human, normal and acceptable, and they can nod and agree with ya, but as soon as they have a hateful, angry thought about someone who harmed them, immediate judgement toward the Self rears its ugly little head.

This only happens, because many were brought up to be Christ-like, and totally accepting and loving of others, whether they’ve beaten us to a bloody pulp, or not. Friends and acquaintances say, “you gotta forgive, to move on!” Which is a load of horseshit! Your entry to Heaven is not blocked, just because you haven’t forgiven someone who’s done you wrong (and I’m healthy, living proof of it!).

What IS true I believe, is if we can’t eventually arrive at a place of indifference toward our abuser, and they still hold a vibrant ‘charge’ for us, we might be sitting on some long-held resentment and repressed rage, and cancer in the body is too frequently the outcome of such emotional suppression. In short, it’s just not healthy for us to obsess about~ but this still doesn’t mean you have to forgive ‘em. Ever heard the phrase, “living Well (or successfully) is the best revenge”? I can guarantee ya, this one’s true!

Don’t shame or guilt yourself for having some narcissism! Routinely monitor it, so it’s less likely to assert itself in ways that may be harmful to those you care about, and make sincere amends if needed~ but don’t detest this normal part of You! There are times in life you’ve gotta be willing to throw your weight around, just to get your needs met! And if you aren’t, you’ll remain passive AND passive-aggressive, and your inner-rage will accumulate and erupt with destructive force, either toward someone who may not have deserved it, or toward your Self~ and neither outcome is healthy or desirable.