And then there was Light.

In our darkest hours, little moments of respite can lift the spirit.

I was feeling kinda low yesterday post-home fire. Ya start remembering all the unique and beautiful artwork and antique furniture pieces saved up for and accumulated over an entire adult lifetime. Some mourning for those losses is of course, inevitable… and then this showed up last night in my inbox:

“I was married to a Npd and Bpd personality. She decided to divorce me after 23 years. I was in a very dark place for a couple of years. I stumbled across your webpage about 20 years ago. After reading, it was like someone turned on 1000 floodlights in my black room. NOW I UNDERSTOOD WHAT HAPPENED TO ME !!! Your work is head and shoulders above everyone else out there, regardless of their credentials thank you! Mike”

And just like that… a little ray of sunshine graced my soul. I feel very blessed to have been able to help folks get to the other side of their terrible confusion and torment after having been dropped on their head by a personality disordered partner. Some have needed a bit of hands-on ruddering, but many have surmounted their trauma just by reading my online BPD articles and gaining greater clarity and understanding. How great is that?!

Confusion triggers obsessional thinking. It taunts and tortures us, keeps us up at night, and nags at us from the moment we awaken each morning, onward. When something happens that’s so far outside the realm of logic, rationale and/or expectation that we just can’t “wrap our head around it,” not only are we trapped in a state of shock and disbelief, we tend to look for “logical reasons” to help us justify another’s erratic or nonsensical behavior, and typically wanna put the blame on ourselves for it!

Try to resist the urge to blame yourself for a relationship misfortune or trauma. There are millions of are deeply damaged people on our planet who have little or no capacity for impulse control, healthy boundaries or empathy. They care only for their own survival and well-being, and not at all for yours. Developmentally, these are basically toddlers who are navigating life in adult-sized bodies. They act-out in hurtful and harmful ways toward others, because they lack emotional and moral development (which always go hand in hand).

Whew! There’s been so much to handle this past week or so~ stopping utilities (and their billings), rerouting USPS mail (have you heard of UPS’s Virtual Post Mail? It’s amazing!), cancelling my ADT security service, alerting the property tax assessor’s office, ordering daily necessities from Amazon ya don’t even think twice about until they’re gone, and starting all over with only the clothes I wore out of my house (and a bathrobe) as I noticed distant flames rising up above the tops of tall trees to the northeast of my home.

One of my two cats decided she wasn’t gonna be put in her carrier. I swear, these creatures can read our mind!!! It was that kinda night on January 6th~ still, I thought we’d be back at home in the next day or two, and all would be as I’d left it. One can hope, right??

Alright, enough of this maudlin shit… I’m okay, my furbabies are adjusting to being locked in a hotel room, and the three of us (by now) have a touch of cabin fever~ but we are safe and relatively sound. I may be over the worst of this at present (please, God). Just got my beloved old, ‘89 Volvo back from a wonderful local mechanic this morning, so at least I finally feel safe on the road. Yah, this had to be dealt with too, as I’d started hearing a high-pitched whirring sound, upon startup. My car is my only remaining possession~ my home now, you might say. I couldn’t neglect its needs.

Friendly voices have been my salvation. Friendships around the country as well as current and former clients have reached out to see if I survived the fires, and still had a house standing. These outreaches have felt so very nourishing and healing for me in the wake of this catastrophic event. I’m getting lots of caring, empathic hugs from total strangers who learn I’ve lost my “little corner of Paradise.” The outpouring of love from people, both familiar and not~ has had the most profound impact on my capacity to begin this recovery process. I’m feeling so very grateful.

I am also incredibly thankful for my Homeowner’s insurance (Mercury) for taking stellar care of me and my babies, during these trying times. They’ve been nothing short of phenomenal! Thus, I consider myself ‘one of the lucky ones, because thanks to them, I have a sturdy, comprehensive, financial safety net under me~ and it’s far more than tens of thousands of other fire refugees have right now. I pray daily for all those people, and I hope they get the much needed, swift assistance they require.

Take nothing for granted, my friends… and make sure you’re well-protected in case of an unforeseen emergency. I love you all, and please know how grateful I am for your kindness and emotional support. It literally means the world to me.