Borderlines and Narcissists~ a match seemingly made in Heaven.
In my online article, “HAVEN’T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple,” I speak to numerous reasons these two personality types are irresistibly drawn to each other, and why their relationship dynamic is so conflictual. I’m hoping to get this body of work bound and published soon, but some intricacies you’ll wanna keep in mind about this dyad, are below.
First, both personalities being narcissistic, lack empathy, which is often the root cause of their conflicts. Many confuse ‘sympathy’ with empathy, but while the two emotions feel similarly in the body, they are dramatically different.
Sympathy is the ability to feel sorry for another’s plight. Empathy on the other hand, is the capacity to identify with and relate to another’s perspectives, inner experiences and pain. If you lack empathy, you are incapable of real conflict resolution and building a deeper bond of intimacy with another. No speed-bump you might hit gets truly resolved. Trust therefore, cannot be reestablished or deepened.
Both Narcissists and Borderlines have core trauma, due to their mother’s incapacity to provide a nourishing, safe, secure and loving bond with them as newborns, and throughout their early childhood. This has left both partners with distrust and fear surrounding genuine attachment. In short, if bonding never felt pleasurable and secure during infancy, we have no template for trusting it (or knowing what it actually feels like), in adulthood.
Alas, for better or worse, we are attracted to lovers and friends who echo our own level of emotional development. Emotionally whole, healthy, self-actualized people do not bond with those who aren’t. Their vibrational frequencies would not match, and they’d repel off each other. Truly empowered people seek the company of others like themselves. They don’t prey on the weak and needy, and they DO NOT need to be needed, in order to bolster a tenuous sense of self-esteem.
The Narcissist has worked hard since his early years, to become brilliant, successful, mighty and invincible. Many believe they can ‘fix’ anything and anyone, having had to develop extraordinary caregiving, peace-making or reparative skills in childhood, to compensate for emotionally underdeveloped parental units.
This early-acquired skillset is typically attended by facets of grandiosity and bravado, which may be interpreted by some as egocentric or conceited, no matter how giving or well-meaning the Narcissist’s philanthropic gestures may be. Some of these people can accept and own their arrogance (perhaps as a healthy, accurate self-reflection which feels well-earned), while others are divorced from darker features within themselves. For many, childhood placed demands on them to care for younger siblings, and/or become helpful, care-giving and in-charge of ensuring that life at home ran more smoothly. From this, the Narcissist derived his sense of empowerment, even if it was acquired by default (send a boy to do a man’s job…).
Both the Borderline and Narcissist subconsciously seek a warm, loving, emotionally responsive maternal-like bond with a significant other, so when either partner falls short of gratifying the other’s emotional needs or even mildly disappoints, an archaic resentment trigger (from childhood) is activated, and serious conflict erupts.
A long-time narcissistic friend cut me short on a phone dialogue one day, a couple of years ago. We’d had a wonderful relationship for over forty years, but due to his inability to acknowledge that he’d hurt my feelings on numerous occasions and his absolute unwillingness to mend those ruptures, I finally had to step away from the friendship~ or resign myself to incurring more injury. I chose the former.
This actor friend routinely complained to me about his wife, who appeared to have BPD features. Narcissists can’t acknowledge their part in relationship struggles, often because their passivity and/or generosity of spirit tend to ignite the Borderline’s rage, rather than smooth ruffled feathers. Passivity is the kiss of death in any relationship dynamic, because it comes across as predictable, one-dimensional and boring. People pleasers seldom have successful relationship bonds, for there’s only half a personality showing up to the party.
When one partner in a relationship is passive, it forces the other to be aggressive. The aggressive partner is charged with holding all the emotions the passive partner has amputated out of his personality structure since he was very young~ perhaps to keep peace in his home of origin, or not place more burden on an already discontent or unhappy mother. (Children mold themselves into who they think they must be, in order to survive.)
It’s hard enough to carry our own weighty repertoire of emotions, without having to shoulder someone else’s load, as well. Resentment builds in the active/aggressive partner over this and other issues, so the passive partner remains the target of angry outbursts that have little to do with him, yet can feel deeply wounding, just the same.
Unresolved infancy and childhood deficits are rarely addressed to the mother who failed to meet her child’s needs for emotional attunement and secure, nourishing attachment. These unmet needs therefore, are transferred onto the nearest, most convenient, least threatening target (their partner).
The lover or spouse of a Borderline absorbs all their partner’s archaic hurt, disappointment and unresolved rage over maternal deficits, but due to long-standing self-worth issues, cannot realize these attacks have virtually nothing to do with him. He internalizes the Borderline’s sarcasm and fault-finding criticisms, because his own mother was incapable of providing the nurturance and affection he needed, to grow up with a genuinely positive sense of himself.
Never does only one person destroy a relationship dynamic, as it always takes two to Tango, and two to tangle. Both parties emotionally injure each other, whether it’s unwitting neglect or outright emotional abuse. Nobody can undermine a Narcissist’s confidence and sense of empowerment, like a Borderline. This can be a very sobering experience for a male whose grown up believing that everything in his immediate world is under his control~ yet the more he tries to ‘fix’ his BPD lover, the more destabilized he feels.
In truth, Borderlines are like small children trapped in adult bodies. Most are very bright, but are lacking in common sense, and any concept of cause and effect. They’re typically devoid of boundaries, impulse control and empathy. Many would argue this point, as they ARE capable of feeling sympathy for another~ but aren’t capable of relating to their pain due to dissociation from their own.
Borderlines run hot and cold. Many are alternately loving and distancing. You never quite know when they’ll get triggered and charge out the front door, only to return days or weeks later, if at all. You start walking on eggshells hoping not to set off another firestorm so they won’t leave you again~ but given how meanings get jumbled and their thinking becomes distorted, you sometimes feel like you’re with someone who’s certifiably crazy. You’re not. You’re just expecting someone who looks like an adult, to have the sensibilities, perceptions and perspectives of someone over the age of three.
Men who put up with a Borderline’s acting-out behaviors, often believe they’ll never find someone better~ especially if they’re in midlife. Practically nobody wants to enter the dating pool again, in their fifties or older. But if you never got to learn what genuine warmth, nourishing attention and affection felt like as a little kid, there’s no way you’d even begin to trust it might ever be available to you. Sadly, far too many folks come to think, it’s better to stick with the Devil they know.
I suppose in this case, a bird in the bush is better than two in the hand! I just happen to think it’s exceptionally useful, to remember this:
What we have is what we want~ because if we truly wanted something different or better, we’d get busy creating that reality for ourselves, instead.