Do You DREAD going "Home for the Holidays?"
You're not alone. Millions feel exactly the same as you!
I’ve encouraged my clients for over 3 decades, to forego “holiday” gatherings, and start making their own traditions. Call friends over for a potluck, who need even a flimsy excuse to Just Say NO to Mom about Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner, and you’ll be a lot happier and saner once January rolls around.
Be prepared for the guilt and shame she’ll wanna heap on ya~ but guess what? You don’t have to subject yourself to it! Simply get off the phone the minute it starts: “Oh, Mom I’m sorry, I’ve got a pot boiling over on the stove” or, “sorry Mom, someone’s at my door~ gotta go… love you~ bye” and hang the fuck up! Treat your mother-entrapped siblings the same way.
Blood may be thicker than water, but it’s just as easy to drown in. All heavily programmed people who cling to that hackneyed old phrase they’ve been brainwashed with since they were old enough to walk and talk, that “Family is EVERYTHING” should take a deep breath, take a step or two back (in order to see the fucking forest for the trees), and realize that in THEIR case, “Family” is everything toxic and it’s been this way for years, even decades. And if it weren’t, wouldn’t you be joyously looking forward to being with those who’ve been adoring and supportive during your soul’s journey in this lifetime?? (This kind of bond is called attachment, by the way.)
Me? I figured this stuff out in my 30’s. If I was in the mood to show up for “holiday dinner” at my older sis’s house or my dad and stepmom’s, I would. If I wasn’t, they shouldn’t expect to see me… and I always gave ample warning of my potential absence.
It’s always mystified me, why others haven’t figured this out for themselves! Back in olden days when I actually went to theaters to see movies, I’d take myself out for a matinee or two on holidays spent with myself. I might even stop by an ethnic eatery to get a tasty meal~ anywhere that actually served great food or takeout despite the highly commercialized American “holiday” du jour.
On the rare occasions a client of mine was too afraid to break with tradition, believing their mother would have a fatal heart attack or stroke if they declined their Yearly Duty, I prepped ‘em on how to insulate and protect themselves while in the dragon’s den. After they arrived back home safe and sound~ while not necessarily as sane as when they departed for that most-hated event (having spent money they couldn’t afford to part with to get themselves there), some serious debriefing was required to re-center and ground ‘em. I kid you not.
We’re taught during our Terrible-Two’s, which is the most crucial stage in the development of our sacred independence and autonomy, that being even the least bit defiant and saying “no,” is treated by our parental units as bad and “wrong.” Just because your mom got frustrated with your rebellion during that stage in your growth (and often thought about flushing you down the toilet), doesn’t mean it wasn’t absolutely essential for you to go thru it, in order to launch yourself toward toward maturing into an emotionally whole, self-actualized, certifiably adult individual.
And if you weren’t able to successfully navigate this vitally important phase in your life, you either ended up dangerously enmeshed with your parent (never being able to discern where They ended and You began and vice-versa), you became a hapless slave to authority, masquerading as an “adult”~ and some of us noticed how well THAT worked out for ya during the Covid plandemic, didn’t we?? Baaaah… go the sheep.
So, lift the dread off yourself ya feel every year, and take yourself down off the cross! You’re a grown-up now. Your parents set-up their lives precisely the way they needed ‘em to be, and it’s Your turn now, to do the same for yourself! The way I see it, this is your God-given right~ and if it hurts your mommy’s feelings, trust me~ that dark cloud of hers will soon pass overhead, and she’ll recover. Just refuse to be a ‘captive audience’ for her or anyone else who feels the need to guilt you, in order to control you.
Once your mom croakes and somebody else in the family tree takes over upholding this most-dreaded, obligatory “tradition,” be happy you cut the cord a long time ago, ‘cause you’re not on this earth to serve any master but YOU and do whatever feels best to ya, while working steadily and diligently toward owning and embracing your personal freedom and autonomy in ways that concretely matter~ instead of just talking the talk.
You rock, Madam! Reading this piece gave me genuine pleasure thank you :)
Incidentally... my Indian icon image is a painting I did one angst-filled day, somewhere in my early 30's. It started out as an abstract~ just vehemently smearing pigment on a horizontally posed black poster-board with a pallet knife to discharge my uncomfortable feelings at that time. And then, when my emotional intensity had spent itself, I noticed at the very bottom of the piece (in orange and yellow), the suggestion of a profile!
I always approach artistic endeavors with the attitude of, if I hate it I can throw it in the trash, so that I feel unbridled to create (letting the art lead Me, as opposed to the other way around) free of self-expectations or agenda. I was moved to risk tweaking the "profile" to see if I could I could turn the piece (vertically) into the image of an Indian with an elaborate headdress.
My initial effort worked out well, but he looked too Jewish. I tried again, remembering the emotion that had launched this effort, and my Indian took on a life of his own. The image as it turns out, came about sheerly by accident... and I was happy with the outcome.