Enmeshment~ the bane of a child's existence.
An enmeshed child/parent dynamic means neither can sense where the other ends, and they begin. They are basically fused together, like Siamese or conjoined twins.
When one reacts to an event or trigger, the other cannot help but react the same way, due to the fact that each doesn't wish to disappoint the other, or risk falling from their grace.
All is well, in an enmeshed relationship, until one of the parties (generally the offspring) views a situation from a disparate perspective than the other does. This can cause a rupture in their bond, that's difficult to mend.
An enmeshed parent often over-nurtures their child into being a clone of him or herself. The child must see his/her world thru the parent's eyes, and never dare to view it even slightly differently~ or he/she risks being verbally shamed and/or withdrawn from.
Children who are enmeshed with their mother are anxiously attached. All is well, when they are identically aligned with one another~ but as the child develops, he/she may begin to crave a sense of autonomy that will not be well-tolerated by his/her parent.
When this mother eventually dies, a significant part of the child enters the coffin with her. Just as with conjoined twins, if one twin becomes ill and dies, the other feels completely lost in the world on their own. Thus, enmeshing a child, not allowing them to develop their own sense of Self, is in My view, the ultimate cruelty.
Normal, healthy children go thru TWO separation/individuation phases of development. The first begins as soon as they are able to crawl and be mobile, without the mommy carrying them. The second of these stages ideally occurs around pre-adolescence.
As a child enters his or her teens, their desire to form a 'new family' consisting of their peers, is normal. They begin wanting to discover all the ways they are different from their parents, and this normal phase of their development encourages exploration with novel ideas, learning, sex, romance and a newfound sense of excitement and freedom that was previously unknown to them.
Just as a toddler is thrilled to be discovering new tastes, smells and textures by sticking things into their mouth and forming tactile memory by holding and handling virtually EVERYTHING they can reach, so is the burgeoning adolescent. It's just a more sophisticated and complex form of exploration for the teen.
It's perfectly normal to explore one's sexuality during these times. We're not always sure as teens, if we're most drawn to boys or girls. We may over time, experiment in physically intimate ways with both genders, to determine which evokes in us the most intense or thrilling psycho-sexual responses~ but some don't decide on which sex titillates them more, until mid-life or later~ depending on how much opportunity presented (or didn't) earlier in life.
Don't we all know one or two people who've been married for years, fall in love with someone of the same sex, and divorce their spouse to cohabit with their new True Love??
Little girls play 'doctor' and examine each other's bodies, and little boys do the same~ but are sometimes more intrigued with how far they can project their urine or ejaculate. Children raised by puritanical parents often feel great shame, if they're caught masturbating or 'playing doctor' with a little friend, due to a parent's reaction of shock or disdain.
A parent-enmeshed child does not have the same explorative luxuries other children do, as they develop. The parent's attitudes about sex and love as well as other realms of this child's natural developmental curiosity are constrained and subjected to strong parental bias. A Borderline female checks in with Mother about every decision she makes, large or small. No independent thought has been allowed or nurtured throughout her childhood, so it was never cultivated.
Mother is the decider of all things for this girl: She is "best friend," confidante, teacher, confessor, therapist and advisor to her child. She relishes these roles, for it means her daughter is forever DEPENDENT on her, and will never leave.
Oftentimes, when a man's mother-in-law comes to stay, it's due to his wife's enmeshed relationship bond with her mom. An acute sense of guilt the wife carries in relation to turning her mother out or finding her a place of her own, keeps this "extended" family dynamic in place, no matter how tension-filled or conflictual it is for any or all.
Men, I've mentioned this issue of enmeshment in one of my BPD videos. When you're involved with or marry a mother-enmeshed Borderline, you're getting a two-fer, or Two Borderlines, for the price of one. Mom may accompanying her daughter on your dates, or insert herself wherever possible, into your life and decisions.
In short, you're not marrying one woman, with a mother-enmeshed Borderline~ you're marrying TWO, with all the added pressure, aggravation and chaos that entails. And the worst part is, your beloved will ALWAYS choose her mom's comfort over yours.