"Even though I'm bleeding badly, I'm okay~ but are YOU??"
All personality disorders, BPD, NPD and Codependency (to name only a few) spawn from the same post-natal issues with Mother. This is a universal truth, to which I have witnessed no exceptions.
Our inability to have formed a nourishing, safe, secure bond of emotional attunement with our maternal object OUTSIDE her womb, derails our ability to cement a solid sense of lovability and worth, that spans the rest of our life (unless uniquely specialized core trauma help is enlisted).
Codependents are as underdeveloped as Borderlines and Narcissists, they simply defend better against their core deficits, by over-giving, rescuing, people-pleasing and "fixing" others. Their seemingly unending compulsions to behave in these ways, tells us everything we need to know about how insecure and inadequate they truly feel. One who is genuinely empowered, wishes to spend their time with others who are as well. Alas, birds of a feather, flock together! They don’t prey on the weak or needy, and they DO NOT need to be needed.
The Codependent is literally addicted to helping others, to fortify their fragile sense of Self. No matter HOW much they give to another, their self-esteem well never actually fills. The sense of strength or empowerment they derive from "giving" is transitory or fleeting, and they can never accurately asses how much they've given, due to a baseline of poor self-worth that’s followed them since early childhood.
Plenty of adults give themselves daily pep-talks, because they've never learned how to gain solid, genuine self-worth. In essence therefore, they don't OWN their worth. Instead, they just keep refueling it with every opportunity that presents for them to PROVE they are "good enough" by responding immediately to the needs and feelings of others, which is a defense against looking far more honestly, at deficits within the Self.
Over-giving is NOT indicative of authentic, healthy self-worth! It's a reaction-formation, based on neglect and abuse they suffered during childhood, which left them feeling inadequate and unlovable. Their unending compulsion to REPAIR those early primal wounds over and over again with partners who can only receive, but never reciprocate or give-back the attention and love they've given, is the Hell they may remain trapped in, lifelong.
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? Was written and published nearly 4 years ago. It addresses the hidden, toxic elements of Codependency, and how it propels basically good people into emotionally toxic relationships with borderline disordered lovers.
This is a MUST READ, if you are a psychotherapeutic professional, because it helps you look at the long-denied, dysfunctional aspects in YOU that keep all your romantic selections turning into heartbreaking outcomes every, single time~ no matter HOW much "insight" you gain into NPD or BPD.