Fatherless youth~ are men who leave home, REALLY to blame?
It grates on me when I hear men being vilified for leaving their family. While some males have never grown up and had no business bonding with another or having children, most want to be loving, responsible mates and fathers, and do the right thing for their family.
Nobody who talks endlessly about children at risk, especially in low income neighborhoods, ever contemplates WHY men leave. Oh, it’s easy and convenient to blame the “deadbeat dad,” but there’s two sides to every coin, and shouldn’t we at least try to be more circumspect about this societal problem?
It’s very difficult for an emotionally healthy male to walk away from his own flesh and blood. It flies in the face of the human male archetype as protector/provider, and few can manage the dreadful sense of shame and betrayal they can’t help but feel, upon fleeing their family home.
You might know by now, that I’ve written many articles about Borderline Personality Disorder. If you’ve ever attempted to live with a Borderline, you’ve come to realize what a toxic, frustrating, crazy-making and heartbreaking excursion that was, to the extent it may have eroded your physical health.
Most men won’t abandon their children, and will fight to the death to protect them~ but there’s a point at which a father understands that he will not survive, if he remains with the woman he’s chosen, who constantly makes his life a living hell. His departure is often the only way he knows, to save his own life.
To put this another way, a man doesn’t willingly leave his kids, unless his partner makes it impossible for him to stay. Borderlines nitpick, criticize and devalue you. They make mountains out of molehills, always sweat the small stuff, almost constantly find fault with you, and withhold sex and closeness if you’ve failed to read their mind and discern precisely how they need you to speak and behave.
Perhaps you left home as a young man to get away from a mother who pressured, demanded and made you walk on eggshells. Did she make you feel guilty or ashamed on those rare occasions you didn’t put Her needs or wants ahead of your own? Why would anyone be willing to live with these constraints as an adult?!
While your BPD lover or spouse may not precisely echo the traits your mom had, she makes you feel about yourself just as you did as a little boy, around Mother. As a child, did you often feel unlovable, not good enough, insecure, ashamed, guilty, sad, scared or angry? Does your partner evoke these same emotional responses in you? Does she make you think that if you just tried a little harder to please her, all would be well, and your relationship bond would be harmonious and loving??
Nobody can please a Borderline. They’re a deep well that has a fracture at the bottom~ so no matter how much water you supply, they can’t retain it. Borderlines are bottomless pits of need, because they grew up with mothers who were not equipped to love them as infants, anymore than yours was.
We are drawn to people who match our own level of emotional development. When people talk about “a match made in Heaven,” they’re describing two people who vibrate at the same frequency, because like attracts like.
Alas, we are subconsciously following a blueprint that was drawn up for us prior to our birth. Who we grow up loving, whether they returned our adoration or not, is who we bond with and marry, in adulthood. This is our unconscious Attraction Strategy.
The tragedy of this situation is, we keep wanting to ‘get it right’ with all the wrong people, because as a young child, painful longing and yearning for our mother’s love became associated with the emotion of love, itself. So, when we’re really ‘into’ someone who doesn’t trigger feelings of strain and pain, we can’t recognize or accept it as “true love” ~until we get the unique help we need, to grow emotionally, and heal.