Friends versus Lovers
Those of us with healthy self-esteem, hold our friends to high standards. We expect these relationships to feel reciprocal and balanced, and as committed to our emotional, spiritual and physical well-being, as we are to theirs.
The expectation of reciprocal caring from our friends is typically based on many years of being able to solidly sense that these (relatively few) individuals are willing to give-back to us, as good as they GET from us. Over time, we gradually learn to trust them with our hearts~ often in ways we’ve never been able to solidly trust our parents or siblings.
I trust very few people. It’s not that I’ve been hurt too many times by others (past early childhood) and I’m jaded or hyper-suspicious of others, but having the good fortune to have relied solely on my instincts and intuition lifelong, I’m simply aware there are relatively few humans who are trust-worthy, or who deserve my trust.
If you have less than a handful of people who have your back, you are a wealthy human being, for these attachments are precious beyond anything. It means you have a ‘safety net’ to catch you if you fall. These folks are there for you, NOT out of a sense of obligation, but for the sole reason that they love you, and you matter to them.
I’ve often marveled at why most people don’t hold their lovers to higher standards, like they do their friends. Wouldn’t ya think that if you’re getting physically naked with someone, there’d have to be a modicum of emotional trust that enters the picture??
When we’re young, sexual experimentation is normal. It’s a natural part of discovering who we are, what we like (and don’t), and what attracts us. The problem is, there aren’t many who successfully outgrow their adolescent development stage, and remain hyper-focused on getting laid, well into their mid-life years, and beyond. This is why vasodilators were invented for males.
Vasodilators (Cialis, Viagra, etc.) help men override the lack of emotional trust they feel with a sex partner, and simply “perform.” Erections are a natural byproduct of men feeling emotionally ‘safe’ with a woman outside of the bedroom! Every sex therapist and sexual surrogate is well aware of this fact.
A thrilling sense of excitation takes over when we meet someone we’re physically attracted to, which blurs our ability to perceive them accurately, beyond their visually captivating veneer. Wishful Thinking usually intervenes, as we might hope this person has all the qualities and characteristics we need in someone who can to go the emotional distance with us, and be a permanent fixture in our life.
The reason so many romances bite the dust, is because we hold our lovers to far lower standards, than we do our friends. If somebody’s “good in bed,” that’s often enough to keep us interested in him or her, long past the life of a flame that’s turned to a mere flicker.
Human development is such, that our needs change, decade to decade as we mature (with any luck). The things we prioritized in our twenties, are very different than what feels vital to our contentment and happiness, in our forties!
For emotionally healthy couples, sex eventually becomes a side dish, rather than the main course, in terms of interplay and engagement between two people. Making love extends into rich and nourishing emotional, spiritual and cerebral connections~ not just the sexual domain we share. Intensity is experienced and enjoyed within these other realms of our attachment to a beloved partner. In short, sex becomes a spoke in our wagon’s intimacy wheel. It’s not the HUB of it.
Strangers have sex. Lovers share intimacy of ALL types, in and outside of the bedroom. Can let yourself get to know someone to determine if they are capable of being a true friend to you BEFORE you sexualize a relationship? If so, you’ve got a far better chance of it enduring passionately, over the long haul.
The above is applicable of course, ONLY if you’re seeking a ‘life partner’ who can go the distance with you. If having “great sex” is your immediate and primary motivation, then by all means, keep doing what you’ve been doing.