Genuine "INTIMACY" is a function of the Heart~ NOT the head.
Are ya talking the talk, while deluding yourself into thinking you're doing it right?
Cerebral intimacy is often mistaken for emotional intimacy~ but in fact, they're not anywhere near the same. People say, “I love you” with careless abandon during episodes of euphoric infatuation… but these feelings cannot endure long-term, and like the brightest star in the night sky, they burn out the fastest.
The capacity to problem or conflict-solve with a partner, relative or friend is crucially important. But if you find you're routinely staying up half the night to do it and the two of you see this as "intimacy," you’re deluded. Besides, what are all those seemingly endless dialogues taking the place of?!
How else might you be connecting with your partner, if it weren't thru these frequent and intense episodes of "talking it through" that can last an inordinate amount of hours, and rob you of precious, sanity-saving sleep?
I dated a man in my early 50's who was pretty controlling and narcissistic (he's Dan the Ferrari Man, in my BPD Male article). I'm not suggesting he was a "bad" man~ he had lots of redeeming features (one specifically, I'm too demure to mention), but he'd seize on stuff that was so trivial and unimportant, the problem-solving time I had to devote to that relationship wore me out! Bear in mind, I was working full-time in my internship back then, and my practice demanded a lot of my emotional and spiritual energy (I had several Borderlines as clients~ but hadn't discerned this until many years later).
I knew I couldn't keep up this shit in my Private Life, and hope to keep my professional OR personal boat afloat ! I just didn't have the emotional reserves for it. Add to this, I had a niece who kept getting her heart broken by plunging head first into romances, before checking the water's depth. She required copious amounts of emotional support and coddling back then which I was happy to give~ but it ate up a lot of free time I'd reserved for my new romance, and added to my stress.
Have ya ever done cocaine? Do you remember how hyper-focused it made ya feel and how you could cover EXACTLY the same material each time ya got high with your lover~ but it always seemed brand new and intriguing?? Well, that's kinda like what ‘cerebral intimacy’ looks and feels like! You keep rehashing stuff, thinking you’re making headway, but you’re only spinning your wheels in the mud.
You essentially end up covering the same basics~ but it feels new each time, ‘cause there's been more water that's passed under the bridge between the two of you. Some people argue, because it's literally the ONLY way they actually know how to connect! It's essentially the glue that holds em together and helps ‘em feel like they're "working on" their relationship~ when in reality, they're still just circling the drain, and doing it in tandem!
You've come to know by now (I think, anyway) that I'm always gonna try and bottom-line stuff for ya... so, here it is:
If you're Talking more than you're Touching, you may be with the wrong person.
If you're Fighting more than you're Fucking, you may be with the wrong person.
If you're feeling like you have to defend your ideas, your thoughts or your feelings a lot of the time, this ain't a healthy relationship for ya.
If you're staying up half the night trying to work thru speed-bumps, rather than making love and sleeping, it's likely you're with the wrong person.
If you've gotten really good at talking thru issues, but past upsets keep rearing their ugly head in the midst of trying to resolve the new ones, you're being 'kitchen-sinked' by your "beloved" and there's zero hope for real resolution, or building a harmonious relationship bond.
Kitchen-sinking (bringing up everything but the kitchen sink during an argument) in a relationship upset, means your partner is needing to keep ya feeling off center, and they're controlling, narcissistic, and very likely, borderline personality disordered. Just when you think you're making headway with the current issue, they bring up stuff that (you think) got thoroughly discussed and "resolved" a year ago or more!
If any of this shit is happening in your relationship, you very well may be with the wrong person.