Grist for the mill~ or therapist neglect?
I had a friend and colleague years back, whom I adored. One day, she mentioned that her clients’ recurring problems were “just grist for the mill.” I felt a little shocked by her perspective, as it wasn’t at all congruent with mine at the time, and still isn’t.
Over the thirteen years we’d been close, I’d developed great admiration for her marvelous intellect and clinical acumen. The end of our friendship however, came about because I'd stopped trusting her emotionally. I had also begun to lose respect for her.
The fact that she kept her clients in treatment for decades, was a concern for me. My method of helping people recover from whatever pain they’d experienced lifelong, was to acknowledge and educate them about the root cause of their agony, and help them heal, once and for all. I guess you could say, I didn’t believe in sustained, long-term treatment to deal with someone’s suffering.
The irony that clinicians and medical practitioners face, is if they get you well, you won't need them anymore and you'll leave. This triggers a built-in conflict for them, because the very thing you wish for when you enter these types of professions, is to develop an abundant, thriving practice as a ‘reward’ for your efforts~ but does any therapist ever consider the fact that genuine “success” means clients are able to move-on without you?
Purely by accident or fate, the very first article I posted to my website about Borderline Personality Disorder, “BLACKMAILED INTO FATHERHOOD, BORDERLINE WOMEN AND THE MEN WHO LOVE THEM” caught the attention of many, all over the world. When when we hear about someone becoming “an overnight success,” we understand this is something that seldom, if ever happens~ yet in my case it did.
Around that time, I was working to help people quickly resolve their anxiety issues and panic attacks, and was very successful in this aim. I actually considered that my writings and work with anxiety disordered clients might put me on the map so to speak, and I’d become known for that. Would my unique understanding and skills pertaining to healing this issue, bolster my fledgling practice at that time? I could only hope it would.
Within only two weeks of uploading Blackmailed into Fatherhood to my site, my phone literally did not stop ringing for weeks. Men from all over the globe called me saying, “the things you’ve written about in this article, precisely match my situation! I feel like you were a fly on the wall observing my relationship and everything that's gone on with us, since I've been with this gal!”
I've written 25 articles on the topic of borderline personality disorder, alone. These pieces are basically transcriptions of all the painful verbal accounts people shared with me, when they called for help. But in most of these articles, I ask my readers to explore within themselves, what traits or characteristics exist within them, that promote their attraction to this type of personality, no matter how injurious it feels while they’re there.
Anyone can write articles or books about how toxic and turbulent one’s relationship experience is with a borderline, and bash or be critical of people with this personality disorder~ but I think we should view these situations with the ability to assess both sides of that coin, not just one. You don't just learn about “Borderlines” in my online articles, they are intended to help you get far better acquainted with you.
Alas, it always takes two to Tango, and two to tangle. People pleasers, fixers, rescuers, and those with a Savior Complex are compulsively drawn into relationships with others who are struggling in one way or another. I can confidently assert this, because I used to be one of ‘em! If one is a ‘super-giver,’ he/she must find people who are willing to take what the compulsive giver feels an irrepressible need to give!
It’s common sense, but within the realm of human nature, this dynamic comprises a true symbiotic relationship, and is simply the natural order of things. I literally wrote THE quintessential book on Codependency (DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?) due to it having been a stumbling block within myself I’d grown to intimately understand and mitigate many years prior.
A dear friend of mine expressed in an email recently, that I’ve caused her to feel like she's not OK. She cited a few specific episodes during our interactions, when she felt this way. In hindsight, I realized this occurred when she complained yet again to me about an issue with which she still struggles, yet doesn’t seem to want to dismantle.
I’ve asked if she’s aware of certain repetitive behaviors, which I view as self-injurious~ and truth be told, had become monotonous for me to keep hearing about. When I care for you, whether you’re a friend or client, I hold up a mirror in an attempt to bring consciousness to a repetitive behavioral pattern that unconsciously asserts itself indefinitely. When we do not explore the root cause of self-injurious patterns, we maintain them lifelong.
In my reply email, I apologized profusely for causing her harm, and vowed to put an immediate halt to it. I stated that to rectify this problem, I would terminate our verbal exchange whenever she regurgitated a chronic situation or concern, which might turn out to be a ‘win’ for us both. When someone isn’t open to changing their condition, it means they’re comfortable circling the drain indefinitely with it~ but there’s no need for you to jump-in and circle it with ‘em (unless you have unresolved Codependency traits)!
A therapist who never confronts a client about their unwillingness to work at resolving an issue week to week, isn’t invested in helping them advance. I guess the same goes for being a friend in the same position. Yet, at some point, ya gotta accept that the connections you may experience as frustrating, are with seriously underdeveloped people who have resigned themselves to living with pain and discontent.
While you might love these folks, they don’t care enough about their own growth and healing, to alter long-standing, self-limiting patterns. There’s sadness in coming to recognize your cherished friendship is one that has inherent limitations as you try to adjust to this realization~ but this awareness is really more about you and guarding your own well-being, than it is about them and theirs.
Every now and then, The Universe tosses us reminders of difficulties we thought we’d completely moved past, and it’s simply part of Life’s enormous learning curve. A little education and reinforcement can go a long way, so be thankful you’re willing to learn, heal and grow s’more.
Do you have any friends or acquaintances you think might benefit from reading this post? If so, would you kindly forward it to them?