Have YOU taken a Relationship Inventory??

Do ya tend to GIVE more than ya GET?

A gal pal of mine emailed me her reaction to Trump’s recent inflammatory comment about Jews, “and I’m not even Jewish!” she added. It triggered me, and in hindsight I wish I’d just ignored her compulsion to send it.

This friend is a Trump Hater. She views him as lacking in character, and considers herself a good judge of it~ nevermind, the 2 men she was involved with in past years who physically brutalized her, and myriad “friends” she’s bitched and complained to me about for decades, who’ve consistently undermined her. A “good judge of character,” you say?? Not from my vantage point.

Why did I not ignore her incendiary email? Given our disparate political stances, we had a standing verbal agreement to NOT trade political discourse. After all, friendship can be nourishing and fruitful in so many different ways, it’s not absolutely imperative to see eye-to-eye on everything, is it? Take religion for one… I’ve seen where her Buddhist practice has helped, but also harmed by reinforcing her pathological Codependency issues~ yet I’ve never even once, addressed this downside. It’s a matter of respect for the friendship, and honoring each other’s uniquely personal perspectives~ but then, perhaps I’m more a live-and-let-live kinda dame.

This little rupture felt like a betrayal to our friendship. After all, an agreement was broken. What happens to our trust in someone, when they don’t stick to their word? Do we overlook it~ or do we feel disrespected, which spawns disappointment and anger? At this juncture, I believed taking an honest inventory of our relationship might be overdue.

I recalled all the times I’ve been there for her as a loyal, generous and fiercely protective friend, while teaching her about human nature~ particularly within the realm of personality disorder issues. I reviewed the times I went out of my way to refer new business to her~ and yet, she’s never reciprocated. It’s not that she’s been a bad friend. I’ve always seen marvelous qualities in this gal, and have deeply treasured our connection. She’s meant a great deal to me, and I have loved her. This event however, lit me up~ and from my POV, she was careless and unwise to risk harming our bond. Could she not see this danger beforehand~ or did she just not care enough?

I recounted the ways I’ve felt invalidated by her. If I’ve sent a piece of information out of an authentic sense of love and care for her, she doggedly “researches” it (on biased Google, no less) and replies with a contradictory email. I’ve sent her various Substack posts I think she’ll find amusing or enlightening, and I get NO response whatsoever. That’s been okay with me. I’m pretty confident and don’t require validation~ but it’s had me wondering if perhaps there’s a bit of envy or jealousy there, she’d rather not acknowledge.

When we love someone, we don’t go biting ‘em on their achilles heel~ no matter HOW tempted we are in the moment. If we’re aware of their sensibilities and sensitivities, we steer clear of bumping into ‘em out of a sense of sincere care and respect for their feelings. If a friend is fat or has bad skin for example, our feelings of love for ‘em make us consciously avoid shining a light on these issues. When we trample on another’s beliefs or areas of sensitivity, are we demonstrating genuine care or concern for them~ or might our narcissistic compulsions override respect for their boundaries?

After several days and fully expressive emails, I calmed down and was able to review our emotionally dangerous ‘intersection’ from a more rational and open-hearted perspective. I sent her an apology for having made a mountain out of a molehill, ‘cause in retrospect, I recognized my over-reactivity. Hey, I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes~ but I have enough integrity and character to own ‘em and genuinely say, “sorry ‘bout that!”

It takes a big person to apologize for their mistakes or for hurting another, whether it’s unwitting or not. I’m still waiting for an apology for her part of this relationship speed-bump, with full awareness that it may never arrive.

We have only ourselves to answer to, when we fuck up. If we’re too insecure to take ownership of our errors and they trigger a shame response in us we’d prefer to just eat, smoke or drink away and bury to drown-out the feelings associated with these mishaps, perhaps some bonafide emotional development is ahead for us that we just haven’t yet been able to get to (at least, in this lifetime).

Emotional growth always precedes moral development. Ya can’t acquire the latter, if you’re still lacking in the former. We are constantly evolving organisms. IF we allow it, our growth never stops until we surrender these physical bodies… and even then, I believe the soul continues to expand and evolve, in its non-physical state.

My emotional development in this lifetime feels substantial, but it’s always been highly motivated by a determined effort to NOT schlep my unwanted baggage into the next incarnation. I figure if I keep working on my ‘unfinished business,’ I’ll gradually become an even better person and healer. Seems to me, a worthwhile aim to shoot for.