Seems I’ve been coaching people for decades around this time of year, on how to avert pain. Colleagues in years past, always asked if my pre-holiday practice got much busier with the advent of what they anticipated as “holiday depression.” It never did.
My clients have all been core damaged to one extent or another. There’s never a time during the year they’ve felt normal, light and free of emotional pain and/or emptiness. Holiday Depression, I’ve always asserted, is never due to wistful longing to be with family when geographic distance separates us from them. It’s purely that wounded people THINK the rest of the world is joyfully celebrating something they can’t~ ‘cause during the entire course of their life, they NEVER COULD. It’s a big shame-producer that has millions wondering, “how come I can’t be in a celebratory mood like everyone else~ and what the hell is wrong with me, that I can’t?!”
95% of my clients over the past 30+ years have moved to the farthest reaches of their country and even to another country, to flee their parental home and finally find inner peace. Yes, it’s a courageous act~ but often a very necessary one.
I have not discouraged these geographic excursions~ in fact, I’ve applauded them. Clients have literally envisioned their mother having a stroke or fatal heart attack, if they dare to decline a Thanksgiving or Christmas invite. This is how enmeshment by a parent works. We are meant to fear for Mom or Dad’s life, if we disappoint them just one tiny bit. If you’ve dated or married a Borderline Personality Disordered individual, you are uncomfortably familiar with the guilt, shame and hyper-control they too, have exerted over you.
Alas, whatever feels familiar to us, is what feels comfortable. Even if being attached to someone is pain-producing, it’s a familiar, anticipated sensation we grew up learning to endure… and often, love! Many in fact, are addicted to anguish. After all, it was our constant companion when we were young. Why in the world, would we be inclined to sever ties with it?!
The happiest, most contented people on our planet, march to the beat of their own drum. They make decisions and choices that are harshly judged by self-serving others, and take a lotta flack for being authentic beings who are always true to their own needs and desires. Sound selfish to ya??
Can you imagine a world where every human was taught to give themselves permission to consider and respond to their own proclivities and feelings first before taking on anyone else’s? Bet ya dollars to donuts, the international suicide rate would plummet! Ayn Rand I’m told, wrote about the critical need for Self-fullness in all her splendid novels. The term “selfish” incidentally, means being responsive to the needs of the Self. How did this become such an evil, harshly judged way of living?
Did it start with having been born to hyper-controlling, emotionally abusive parents who needed us to be perfect little servile clones for them? Were we always at the ready to serve their convenience, whims and needs~ and what if our little souls developed differently than theirs? Were we shamed, criticized and guilted merely for having unique desires and a mind of our own?
NEWS FLASH: Millions of people dread going “home” for the holidays. They do it, because they don’t wanna risk being cast from their mother’s kingdom, and possibly disowned by her. OR, they don’t wanna be verbally shamed for “disappointing” her the rest of their natural life. You KNOW how a Borderline must always find a ‘deal-breaker’ to routinely clobber ya with, don’t ya? It happens every time you start to feel a little warm and fuzzy, are lulled into a brief tranquil place, and BOOM! Here that shit comes again!
It’s literally like clockwork. Borderlines equate painful sensations of longing and yearning for love, with the emotion itself! It’s a distorted ideation of love they were sadly programmed to accept from the time they were infants, and beyond.
When you give a BPD partner whatever they’ve nagged you for, they magically find something new to hound you about! This is as predictable as the sun rising every morning. So is your mom’s tearful, guilt-laden disappointment, if you decide to throw a pot-luck dinner with your friends who dread visiting family as much as You do, and they’ll be thrilled outta their knickers, for an excuse not to go “home” for the festivities. This time of year was always murder on ‘em before they summoned the courage to move far away, and consider making (by the grace of God) that highly inconvenient trek! In some ways, Covid was a real BLESSING to a whole lotta folks.
Start thinking creatively, and start your very own, New Traditions. Oh, and remember this: Like virtually everything else, the first olive or pickle outta the jar is always the toughest to get. Jack Linkletter (son of Art) shared this with me during a weekend together, many years ago. He was a delightfully brilliant man~ but it was a chaste couple of days, ‘cause my higher wisdom informed me the timing was lousy.
Anyhow, the rest of the jar’s contents are far more easily accessible, after ya get that first one out. File this post under Simplistic Lessons on Life, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!