How Narcissism Inhibits Empathy
Plenty of clients have vehemently insisted they have a deep capacity for empathy. This is untrue of anyone with narcissistic traits, but it’s mostly because they’ve confused feelings of SYMPATHY with EMPATHY. Sympathy is the ability to feel sorry for a human or animal that we perceive to be suffering. Empathy on the other hand, involves a far broader set of internal emotional responses.
Empathy isn't just about the capacity to identify and relate to another's inner-experiences and pain. It's also about being capable of putting ourselves in Their shoes, and sensing how they could react to something we might say or do.
This is NOT to say we must be hyper-vigilant at all times, trying to pre-determine how another might perceive or react to our intensions or actions. This would be utterly impossible, unless we're willing to live in a constant state of anxiety about how our words or behaviors could negatively impact how someone views us. Maybe we can just commit to being more MINDFUL that others don't always think or feel exactly as WE do.
My own narcissism has me being less vigilant and sensitive to this issue at times than I'd prefer to be, and in replaying interactions with others in my head, I'm well-accustomed to apologizing for having committed emotional transgressions.
Under optimal circumstances, we think things thru before sharing or responding to something that's triggered us, but there's still no guarantee we're gonna be consistently adept or successful in this effort. We might PRESUME to know how another will react, but it's often Our projection onto Them (tainted by our own emotional biases), which is 98% of the time, inaccurate.
Naivete is an aspect of Narcissism. Folks with narcissistic traits can seldom think beyond their own emotional reaction to an event, to consider that someone else's might be completely different than their own. Again, this is one's inability to assess how another might perceive or feel about an occurrence from a radically different vantage point.
People who haven't grown enough circumspection to proceed with emotional caution and genuine empathy, often paint themselves into interpersonal corners. Serious emotional setbacks with their children, friends, lovers or colleagues can erupt out of well-meaning gestures that aren't congruent with what another is feeling or needing from them.
Under these conditions, feelings get hurt, trust is undermined, resentment builds, and any/all bridges to deeper intimacy can remain irrevocably broken. Growing emotionally, and getting better at circumventing these types of occurrences means expanding our capacity for introspection. This is not to be confused with self-analysis, which is typically a one-sided, abusive preoccupation in which far too many (in my opinion) indulge.
I'm speaking to Self-Awareness here. Self-awareness entails being able to recognize and acknowledge our core wounds and resulting deficits (like our narcissism) and understanding how these limitations can easily create near-fatal ruptures in our relationship dynamics with others.
Without this level of awareness, we keep making messes wherever we go, and can't help but wonder why in the world someone has separated from us, when we tried our best to love and protect them. Effective introspection lets us see deeply beneath the surface of ourselves, to begin recognizing where foundational reconstruction is needed.
Meaningful inner-work makes up the foundation and framework of the building that is Us. Slapping a fresh coat of paint on a cracked wall can cosmetically improve the interior of our house, but it's a temporary fix, because without a sturdy foundation and frame, the ceiling and walls will inevitably crumble.
Often, our "good intentions" with others don't take into account their emotional reactions to what we've done or conveyed, because our narcissism prevents us from seeing these things from anyone else's perspective than our own.
My stepmom used to say, "The road to Hell was paved with good intentions." The older I get, the more I understand how utterly true this is.