"I could be HAPPY, if it weren't for . . ."

I’m a fixer. It’s deeply embedded in my DNA. It’s highly unlikely I’d have survived this long, had I not acquired this personality feature very early in life~ much less, utilized it to help me learn to thrive.

I encounter far too many people who’ve “learned to live with” a thorn in their side. It’s a testament to how remarkably adaptable we humans are, and how much pain or dissatisfaction we’re willing to tolerate on a daily basis. Frankly, I can’t relate.

The core of this issue resides in the soul of an individual, from what I’ve perceived while working with disgruntled or unhappy people all over the world for the past few decades~ even when their obstacle or problem has a simple solution.

Many of us (including myself) grew up having to survive emotionally and/or physically. When pain and torment begins for us as infants or toddlers we mentally normalize it, because it’s our only frame of reference. It’s all we know. It becomes familiar to us, anticipated and expected. We literally cannot imagine living without that anguish, whether it be a subtle, nagging sensation we endure daily, or an intensely unsettling one. We tend to tell ourselves, “that’s just life.”

The question that begs to be asked however is, does it have to be?

The hardest part of my work with clients, is helping them accept and learn to accommodate light, good, pleasurable feelings, once they’ve begun to heal. Quite honestly, it’s predictable they’re gonna act-out in some way, to either undermine the progress they’ve made, or deter it.

This acting-out behavior can take many forms. For people with BPD traits, it typically shows up as self-sabotage. They’ll step back from helpful, meaningful therapeutic intervention once their immediate crisis has eased or abated. Thriving has never existed within their lexicon of life experiences, so as soon as an immediate setback, drama or struggle is no longer front and center for ‘em in terms of being pain- producing and they’ve re-stabilized a bit, they revert to the life they’ve always known, which is mere survival. This occurrence is as predictable as the sun rising every morning!

It takes some real courage to step outside our comfort zone, even if that means surrendering anything or anyone who represents a dark cloud overhead in our world, within an otherwise joyful existence. We can seldom even contemplate what that would look or feel like for us!

Whatever feels familiar to us, is comfortable~ regardless of how much distress it causes us. That old saying, “familiarity breeds contempt” is not nearly as true as, familiarity breeds content.

I’m utterly astounded by people who choose to hang onto that thorn in their side, because they fear that if life feels “too good,” something awful is waiting just around the corner to steal their glee! Believe it or not, this is the most common anxiety disorder trigger that exists among millions of people worldwide.

We formed this silly superstition very early in childhood, because if our life felt relatively stable or even good for a few minutes, those sensations were ripped away from us by an emotionally unstable, personality disordered parent who screamed at us out of the blue, started a battle with their spouse, or punished us for crimes we hadn’t committed. When ya live daily with this type of event, it makes you distrustful of serenity and happiness, and when those types of feelings start to come around, you’re compelled to destroy ‘em by scanning your mental horizon for “what could possibly go wrong?!” You’ve relied on this reflex to help you feel emotionally safer, for decades.

Growing up learning to be “prepared” for disappointment (in whatever form that might take), is far more comfortable for many, than anticipating the best outcome, and risking that it might not materialize. In short, misery is so comfortable, we dare not wish for more~ and if we DO, we’re instantly brought right back into our childhood configuration where we had no coping skills whatsoever, to help us manage that emotion! Hence, as adults we presume that disappointment of any type will feel as devastating to us, as it did when we were toddlers! There is no validity to this belief.

You do not have to live with anxiety! It’s quite simple to dismantle and heal, with the right kind of guidance. This does not take a lotta time nor financial sacrifice, contrary to what most believe~ and it can readily be done without medication.

What might your life feel like, if you could anticipate and look forward to rewarding love connections, gratifying financial security, and welcoming all the marvelous things you only fantasized about when you were little? Does that feel a little scary? Sure it does, because if it didn’t, you’d have already created this reality for yourself.

Think about moving your natural, normal skepticism (part of your healthy survival reflex) to the side for a moment, and try and at least trust that the Life you’ve always dreamed about and wanted, is well within your reach.