If a Borderline falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it, does he/she make a sound?

Okay, I’m guessing by now you’ve either heard of toxic relationship consequences with Borderlines, or you’ve had your own private, hellish experience with one or more. If it’s the latter, you have my deepest sympathies.

Sustaining a relationship with someone Borderline Personality Disordered depends solely on how high your pain threshold is. The amount of frustration, agitation and discomfort you’re able to tolerate over long stretches of time, directly relates to how much pain, shame and guilt you had to endure as a child, with parental units who were emotionally and/or psychologically abusive.

Emotional and psychological abuse leaves much deeper, longer lasting scar tissue than physical abuse. These wounds continue to harm and torment us, for decades longer than physical injuries take to heal. Suffice it to say, when someone fucks with our sense of Self and psyche, both remain damaged~ unless we’re fortunate enough to find a professional who intimately knows what’s needed to repair core trauma wounds, and most do not.

You might have what you consider to be a pretty good relationship dynamic with a partner~ but compared to WHOM? Your frame of reference is based only on your life experiences thus far. How might you determine if you’re in a healthy, loving, mutually respectful attachment bond, that can go the distance? Are you even able to envision “Happily Ever After” with the guy or gal you’re with~ or are they simply a good fit for right now?

We keep growing and changing, you know. Might your lover be able to keep pace with you, or you with him or her as the years pass? Will the needs they satisfy for you right now, be the same needs you have 5 - 10 years from now? Of course not~ but what’s your best guess about ‘em? Will you both have what it takes to grow alongside each other?

Do you even know what a healthy relationship bond is supposed to look and feel like? Are you possibly rebounding from your last excruciating dance with someone severely personality disordered, and your current love seems (by comparison) like a walk in the park? If it feels better, but not quite right~ do you stay anyway? Can you envision what it will take for you to be happy and content with another? Do you know yourself well enough to sense this?

Might you relish the fun, warm and loving times you can sense a real connection with this individual, and want to overlook all the frequent little conflicts that erupt out of the blue, when you’ve unwittingly hurt your lover’s feelings? Does it ever feel like you two keep regurgitating the same issues over and over again, because your partner doesn’t seem to have retained what’s already been stated and (ostensibly) understood the last time this very same dialogue took place?

Are you feeling exhausted yet, with the repetitive conflicts that arise, and must you often remind yourself, “all ongoing relationships and marriages are HARD, and I have to take the bad with the good!” ?

I was involved with a narcissistic male in my early 50’s. He was a good looking man, very generous with his time and money, and hung like a stallion. I was crazy about the (60-ish) boy, but the frequency of our conflicts got to be more than I could handle. Between attending to a full client base in my practice as an intern, and having to deal with frequent upsets prompted by him on our weekends together, I was feeling drained~ as if the life-force was being sucked out of me.

I’m a practical woman. I new very well, I couldn’t manage both these demanding domains in my life, and continue to function well in either of them. I reluctantly ended my 3-month relationship with this man. It felt like a sacrifice at the time~ but in hindsight, I’d dodged a bullet. He’s been married 4 times. Someone else is dealing with that problem now.

A healthy relationship (in case you’re wondering) simply flows. It’s easy, loving, playful, copasetic and comfortable 95% of the time~ and if it isn’t, you’d better not anticipate it getting any better as time goes on, because it won’t. In fact, you can count on it getting worse!

You could be with the most delightful human on the planet, but if they’re not a solid match for you in temperament, values and personality aspects, it won’t be long before the disagreements, hurt feelings, misunderstandings and incompatibilities start driving a serious wedge between you. Thus, in-between “the good times,” you’ll be thinking, who do I have to fuck, to get OFF this movie?!

Frequent upsets and conflicts (both major and minor) are typical, when you’re involved with someone who has Borderline Personality features. Why is this, you ask? Because Borderlines fear attachment, and when they start experiencing loving, close feelings for you, anxiety gets triggered. Anxious feelings make people with BPD act-out. Acting-out typically takes the form of distancing, finding fault with you, picking fights with you, and episodically making your life a living hell.

Now, depending on how high your threshold is for pain and discontent, you might sail off into the sunset with one of these emotionally impaired individuals~ but be forewarned: Your relationship will never be harmonious and loving, because a borderline disordered person cannot tolerate more than a very brief sense of calm,
serenity or contentment. When they feel light and good, they’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear of impending doom, makes them steer clear of happiness.

The absence of intense feelings (either pleasurable or painful) confronts the Borderline with inner sensations of emptiness or nothingness. This emptiness or core void exists in personality disordered people, due to dissociation (or disconnection) from variety of difficult feelings as early as age two.

Dissociation from feelings leaves one underdeveloped, or unable to grow into adulthood, so emotional growth in Borderlines is literally stunted. They can think only in concrete, black or white terms and hyper-react emotionally like a young child, without capacity for circumspection, impulse control, sound reasoning or empathy.

If you can endure an emotional roller-coaster life of frustration, repetitive upsets and countless ensuing, monotonous, circular dialogues required to “talk it through” when you hit a speed-bump then by all means, stay with the Devil You Know! But be aware that after slaying dragons and puttin’ out fires all day at work, coming home to recurring stressors, can get tedious, exhausting and physically draining to the point of causing serious illness and premature demise.

Think about this: Don’t we ALL need a soft place to land, unwind and recharge our batteries after a full day’s work? I sure do~ and that’s why I’ve never been willing to be somebody’s nurse, therapist or mommy. I’m just happy to be a good man’s Woman.