IF HINDSIGHT'S ALWAYS 20/20, WHY THE FUCK AREN'T WE WILLING TO GET TO IT SOONER?!
It's human nature to wanna normalize our experiences, regardless of how odd or out-of-the-ordinary they seem to us. You might ask yourself, why humans have this tendency, so I'll try to explain.
First, we like feeling stable and safe. Anything or anyone who disrupts our sense of stability and safety, is often made excuses for, given the benefit of the doubt, analyzed for hours or even days to help us make SENSE of the anomaly.
Most of us grew up having to construct some kind of rational sense out of puzzling circumstances, and this repetitious behavior became habitual, and stuck. Frankly, it's the hardest aspect to dismantle in humans who wanna resolve their pain and get well, using Feeling Work to re-associate them with a litany of emotions they DISSOCIATED from when they were toddlers!
Dissociation from ANY emotion disables all kinds of feelings that all humans were born to experience. When we disable our pain, rage, frustration or sadness, we cause all other emotional sensations in the body to lose their vibrancy.
Given that instinct and intuition are extra-sensory FEELING states inside us, these senses are disabled as well. We cannot rely on this inner GPS we were all born with, to guide us toward making sound and productive choices in ANY realm of our life. This deficit leaves us vulnerable, and in danger of undermining our emotional, psychic and physical well-being!
Homeostasis is the condition of sameness. We don't accommodate change easily, because we're not designed to! Change always feels destabilizing, whether it's due to starting a new job, or moving to the next level of commitment in a relationship, or altering where we live. It's not supposed to feel comfortable at first and won’t get easier, until we give ourselves several weeks or more, to acclimate to the change.
To AVOID having to feel uncomfortable by confronting the need for internal adjustments in order to acclimate to changes that serve us better at a new stage in our development, we minimize our stressors by telling ourselves, "this is normal."
Still wondering WHY the fuck you stayed so long in that tormenting relationship with a Borderline lover or friend, and endured all that abnormal shit they threw at ya?? THIS right here, is it~ and you've been having to MAKE these internal adjustments and accommodations since really early in childhood, because back then, you had no way to escape your pain.
This set you up for being a captive audience, when someone wants to lecture you, criticize you, under-function or act irresponsibly in the role they’re occupying with you, etc. If they act in effective ways once in awhile, your habit is to wipe the slate clean, cut ‘em slack, and make excuses and allowances for them~ but guess what?
If you’re getting only intermittent satisfaction in a relationship of ANY sort, you’ve stayed too long at the fair. Incidentally, the same folks who accommodate poor behavior in others, NEVER accommodate less than perfect behavior in themselves~ and this is a dangerous double standard.
If you’re always making allowances and excuses for others~ but never yourself, you’ll tend to go thru life as a chump, and people will always find ways to take advantage of you, because you’ve shown ‘em over and over again, that you’re a “nice guy” who simply doesn’t know any better, or is too afraid to assert yourself!
I’ve always taught my clients, NEVER wait more than 15 minutes for anyone who’s scheduled to meet with them. It doesn’t matter WHO the fuck you’re waiting for or how “important” they are, unless they phone you as a courtesy about an emergency (their car broke down, they’re stuck in traffic, they’ve had an accident and are in a hospital bed) never, EVER wait more than a quarter of an hour for ANYONE, to keep an appointment with you!
In truth, people show you WHO they really are, very soon after meeting them! They’ll be unreliable, self-contradictory, irresponsible, un-empathic, and UNconcerned with YOUR feelings and needs. These traits are indicative of Narcissism, which is always at the baseline of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Your only job, is to be hyper-vigilant at paying attention to how others treat you, and NOT brushing off abuse or neglect that comes your way (hoping it’ll pass or get better). This type of skill (which builds empowerment) typically requires getting intimately connected with your feelings, and building essential senses that ALERT you when someone isn’t a good fit for you, either interpersonally or professionally.
This ability is acquired thru undergoing core-building Feeling Work with a professional who’s gifted enough to teach you how to take excellent care of your needs, rather than letting others take advantage of your easy-going nature. Don’t GIVE someone second, third and fourth chances to ‘get it right’ with you. Get rid of ‘em the FIRST time they disregard your feelings, needs or comfort, and avoid wasting years of time and expense, because ya “wanted to give ‘em the benefit of the doubt,” and took their abuse of you “in stride.”