You can have the best intentions, but you’ll still never get through your lifetime without disappointing or hurting someone. Many so dread even the thought of this, they’re willing to throw themselves under the bus, in order to save another from incurring difficult feelings.
I’ve seen this issue present itself plenty, in my practice. I always ask my clients to recall the times their feelings were hurt, or they were disappointed by someone close. I try to bookmark with them the need to lick their wounds for a few days, but remind them of their capacity to rebound from that emotional setback, as well. The sky didn’t fall, the earth didn’t stop spinning in its orbit, and they survived that painful event~ yet somehow, they never give others any credit for being able to do the same!
Is it egomaniacal to think someone’s gonna jump off a bridge or collapse into a puddle of ectoplasm, if we (God forbid) bring even the slightest harm to them? Do we really see ourselves as having that much power~ and might we view this as an aspect of our narcissism?
Pathological Codependency isn’t decreasing in today’s world, and it’s the primary source of obstacles and roadblocks that inhibit us from reaching our goals, or even taking good enough care of our health and well-being. Just like BPD, it’s one of the most rampant and pervasive social ills that undermines societies all over the globe.
The core of Codependency spawns from a very early age, when we couldn’t get the attention, affection and care we needed, and so we grew up convinced we weren’t deserving of these supplies, or they would have been forthcoming. Humans have to figure out how to get their vital needs met one way or another, so many of us learned to GIVE to others, what we desperately needed to RECEIVE, but could never get. While engaging in this behavior, we felt vicarious satisfaction. In short, we reasoned that at least somebody could get what we could not, which gave us a sense of comfort. We could derive pleasure from giving, while not receiving.
I wrote a book on the pathological aspects of Codependency. I’d managed to dismantle my own super-giving compulsions as a younger woman, when a proverbial brick wall landed on my head, and awakened me to the ‘payoff’ I always got from feeling needed by ‘wounded birds’ I routinely welcomed into my cage. I was The Rock for my friends~ but eventually realized those relationships were a one-way street. The concept of reciprocity had never occurred to me earlier on, as I automatically assumed the role of “the strong one.”
I’d grown up being a non-needing child, and that identity picked up steam and followed me the the rest of my days, until I hit that brick wall and had to take a deep, painful look inside myself. Figuring out why I was attracted to broken people, was literally nauseating. Rest assured folks, my habitual choices weren’t about them and their frailty~ they were about mine, and how I’d learned to over-compensate for my lifelong vulnerability
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? (published several years ago) takes you on a partly autobiographical journey through the intricate maze of compulsive, codependent behavior patterns. These patterns are accurately defined as, NEEDING to be needed, in order to feel okay about ourselves, and assuage our abandonment fears. If someone NEEDS you, they can’t leave you, right??
Every single psychotherapist on the planet comprehends this on some level, but good luck getting ‘em to admit to it. They prefer to think of themselves as purely altruistic. Can’t blame ‘em. It’s hard looking into our own mirror and seeing the ugly, oxidized cracks therein.
I’d had an extremely unstable childhood (details in the book) which basically set me up for having to raise myself. My survival instincts were determined to make me mighty and powerful, IF I were to survive. That happened~ but my ability to thrive was predicated on the setbacks, dramas and disappointments of “friends” who faithfully clung to the unspoken contract we’d formed at the start of our dance: “You are here for Me and My needs,” they believed, and neither of us ever wavered from it, until one fateful day when I myself, had a need. Not only did my so-called female friends scatter, they actually resented me for approaching them with my pain. How DARE I unwittingly alter the terms of our contract?! Within the realm of wake-up calls folks, this one shook me to my core.
In hindsight, this was one of the most profound, life-changing events I’d ever struggled through, but it transformed and grew me in ways I couldn’t have gotten to otherwise, and I am grateful. My softcover book is often ordered in bulk, to this day. I hear it’s very popular in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) communities all over the world. That agonizing “friendship” crisis years ago, gave me terrific fodder for writing about core-trauma issues, and how they derail our happiness and success for the rest of our lives, if we don’t locate skilled, specialized help to dismantle them.
If you’re the guy who always picks up the restaurant or bar tab for your buddies, look deeply into what that’s doing for You. If you’re drawn to people with problems or difficulties, and you enjoy playing the ‘hero’ who wants to fix all their woes, examine how you feel about YOU, when you’re not given an opportunity to fix or rescue someone else. There are self-serving reasons you compulsively keep behaving in these ways. One of the most critical, is it lets you dissociate from difficult emotions you convinced yourself as a young child you couldn’t afford to let yourself experience, and still survive.
Codependency is literally the flip-side of the core trauma coin, with Borderline Personality Disorder on the other side. These diagnoses each stem from injuries to our sense of Self during infancy and early childhood, and they are both personality disorders. Is it any wonder, that the narcissistic Codependent is magnetized to the tragically needful Borderline, and vice-versa? Of course not! These are two peas in a pod, who can never seem to build or maintain a harmonious, loving attachment bond.
I think of it as feeling choked. I've felt choked in my childhood, as the water of emotional nourishment was denied to me.
I always felt choked and its akin to having a dry throat that never feels better, no matter how much water you drink.
I've noticed something else; mal-adaptive personalities, evil ones, often wish to choke others in the same way.
Mothers, knowing their daughters need love and affection, will deliberately deny it - deliberately withhold nourishment and deliberately withhold emotional intimacy.
We live in a cruel world; and there is no respite except real inner-healing work that we all must do.
I now have a special resentment for those who hurt children; but what can anyone do - if the abuser is the parent themselves?
Nothing but hope and pray. No law can make a person loving. Nothing can compel Love.
Take care, Ma'am.
In your work, you have saved yourself, and brought some of us with you. I've had the same childhood and the same friendships. It's like madness when I think about it - because at that time, it felt wholly natural and apt.
Thank you for your comments, and for being a fan of my work. It means a lot to me.