Is Dating always a prelude to Mating?
People approach dating from three different perspectives. One, is getting to know someone~ really KNOW them, so you can determine whether or not your connection with 'em can grow stronger and be lasting, leading to commitment and permanence.
Another approach, is agenda driven. We wanna find someone to BE with, so we don't have to endure being alone with ourselves.
The third, is we just wanna get laid as often, and with as many people as we can.
The first makes sense, because it's a healthy progression to finding out if you FIT with someone, or if you don't. As you grow more acquainted with each other, you see all the ways you're alike, and also the ways you're different. You notice qualities and characteristics you admire and like about the other person, and some you're leery of, or that might undermine your sense of safety and/or trust in them.
The second doesn't concern itself with these elements. It tends to plunge in head-first due to a strong sense of attraction or chemistry, and overlooks a lot of danger signals along the way, because (again) desperation to avoid being with oneself is the priority and driving force behind this hook-up.
The third requires no further explanation.
It's natural and normal to think "long-term" as we grow fonder of someone we're dating. It's human nature~ but does this mean we should throw caution to the wind?? Just when do we start to assess long-term potential with somebody we're seeing? And what if any red warning flags do we choose to ignore, because the relationship feels so bloody GOOD at times?
The first 3 - 4 months we're with someone new, we're in the Honeymoon stage of a relationship. It's all fun and laughs and mind-blowing sex~ and while it's easy to feel like we're falling for 'em, have we scratched the surface yet, on really KNOWING them?
Probably not~ but oh, all those intense and marvelous hormones and brain chemicals that produce euphoric feelings in us are coursing thru our bloodstream, and convincing us it's "okay" to invest ourselves more deeply.
Someone may be ‘right’ for you in the moment. This stage of your emotional development may recognize this as a match made in Heaven, which feels incredibly satisfying and comforting to you. In one of my BPD articles I speak to the feeling of having waited for acute feelings of congruency with someone, our whole life! How can we even THINK of turning away from that?!
My article goes on to say that this is the Borderline's seduction routine. They have an uncanny ability to sense what's important to us, what our tastes and likes and dislikes are, and they BECOME the 'perfect person' for us, based on those perceptions. Just like a chameleon changes its colors to match their immediate environment, Borderlines perfectly meld with you, to win you over and hook you emotionally.
A year or two seems like an eternity to wait, if we're intent on discerning if someone's a solid and healthy fit for us, and we for them. But isn't it necessary~ when you consider the years and decades left ahead of you, and wanting your bond with someone special to ENDURE?
I'm always talking about 'baby steps,' and maybe they apply here, too. Would you invest yourself fully in a job or career you didn't think could pan out for you? Why would you take the risk of doing this with another human??
Nobody's perfect. A solid match is certainly about the things we share in common, but it's also gotta be a good counterbalance for us. We're strong and adept in arenas they aren't, and vice-versa. They like to address or take care of stuff we’d rather avoid, and we like doing some things they’d procrastinate on, till the cows come home!
The main ingredients that make for successful couplings in my opinion, are mutual respect and abiding emotional trust. Without these, you have nothing worth nurturing and protecting. If your partner tries to game you, take advantage of you, manipulate you or exert undo influence over you, keep your eyes wide open, because these types of traits never shrink~ in fact, they tend to grow bigger.
Honeymoons are spectacular soon after meeting someone~ but the feelings generated during that short time frame can blunt or blind us to aspects in a person we shouldn't ignore, if we're gonna make it through the long-haul together.