IT AIN'T SO!

When it comes to human nature, believe NOTHING of what ya hear~ and only HALF of what ya see.

We’ve probably all heard that little girls grow up attaching to someone who’s like their father. We’ve also heard that little boys attach to someone like their mom.

Hate to say it, but this ideation (while it makes logical sense) is only half true. Both males and females attach to the parent with whom they’ve formed an intrinsic bond~ and it’s ALWAYS the mother.

Our mother is our first object of attachment. We form an intimate, deep attachment bond with her during the months we are developing inside her womb. The rhythmic sounds of her breathing and heartbeat often lull us to sleep. We become familiar with her voice, the cadence of her speech and the unique way she enunciates her words.

My dad, wise man that he was, slaughtered the King’s English. My mother was well-read and articulate. I pronounce various words exactly as she did.

In addition to becoming familiar with our mother’s vocal characteristics, we CO-EXPERIENCE all her emotions. When she is sad or anxious, we absorb and feel anxiety and sadness right along with her. If she’s discontent, depressed or angry, these emotions are transmitted to us, as well.

I have worked with clients who ‘inherited’ what I call Womb Anxiety from their mothers, because this was the predominant emotion she experienced, while they were developing inside her body. (With specialized help, this CAN be repaired.)

In any case, by the time we’re born, we are ALREADY in love with this woman! As a developing fetus, we’ve experienced a complete sense of ONENESS with Mother, and are aware of NO separation between us. Our sense is, She is Us, and We are Her. We are ONE.

Core injury occurs when we come out of our mother’s body, and she is unable to reciprocate the adoration we’ve (already) developed for her. This is true both for male and female babies, as (again) SHE is our first object of attachment! Shame is felt by a newborn who cannot feel that his maternal object is as in love with him, as he is with her. He grows up aware of never feeling good enough or lovable.

Imagine the impact a mother’s postpartum depression has on an infant, who anticipates this love-bond he/she formed in-utero, will continue indefinitely! How about babies who are born prematurely and cannot access warm, nurturant affection from their mothers, because they must spend the first segment of their life (after birth) in an “incubator.”

My sense of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is due to having to be apart from the mom upon arriving home (being set aside, I call it). I can’t help but think of (“medically inexplicable”) SIDS as Broken Heart Syndrome. Abandonment trauma, if you will. A newborn’s ONLY need is to remain very close to its mother. His ability to still hear her breathing and heartbeat and feel her warmth, are crucial to his sense of safety and lovability. He cares NOT how beautifully decorated the nursery down the hall is, where he must sleep all alone!

Some may have wondered why kids wanna leave home as soon as they’re able to fend for themselves on the street. Perhaps it’s because they never had the chance to retain a nourishing, safe, secure and loving attachment bond with their mother in the first place. Sadly, this leaves them ill-equipped to form healthy, nourishing, trusted bonds with others as they enter into adulthood.

Every single one of us had a mother. But how many of us ever got to have a Mommy? We might wonder why personality disorders are so rampant today, and people appear to have such difficulty making their relationships work out well and staying joyfully together. If ya ask me, it’s all about our very first weeks of life, and whether or not we felt cherished, adored and nurtured by a woman who saw us as the center of her entire world, and would fight to the death if necessary, to protect and keep us safe.

We see this sort of care, concern and protection among creatures in the animal kingdom. Maternal instincts are fierce and undeniable among many other mammals. I wonder then, how it is that humans seem to have gotten the stick end of the lollipop, when it comes to nurturant instincts and abilities~ but I’m pretty certain I’d have never been able to build a thriving practice, had it been otherwise.