It's all Relative.
Blood they say, is thicker than water~ but that doesn’t mean it’s any harder to drown in. Maybe you’re one of those who got brainwashed as a child into thinking “family is everything” . . . but is it really?
I vividly recall a former friend and colleague stating one day, “if my mother wasn’t related to me by blood, I’d have nothing to do with her!” My logical, practical mind of course, balked at hearing the absurd, presumptive “Family is Everything!” ideation my BPD friend seemed hopelessly shackled by. The sad truth for many is, Family is Everything Toxic.
Trust, respect and love must all be earned! All three take significant time to develop and establish. There’s no such thing as ‘instant’ cultivation of these emotions. If you believe that “love at first sight” genuinely exists, and haven’t figured out that infatuation got mixed-in and confused with your distorted definition of love since early childhood, you’ve got a hellova lot of growing up to do!
How many I wonder, maintain connections to emotionally toxic family members out of a sense of obligation~ or merely habit? Might one even fear what life would feel like, if a toxic bond were severed like the ribbon at a Grand Opening celebration? (Nobody ever expects feelings of RELIEF to be in the mix of emotional sensations after cutting off an attachment that feels maddening, diminishing and injurious~ yet they most certainly will.)
Some clients have stated, “if I let this connection with my (mom, dad, sibling) go, I’ll be totally alone!” I always see this reply looming on a core-damaged client’s horizon, and I’m prepared for it. I simply ask: When during the course of your entire life, have you NOT felt “totally alone”?!
Shock therapy of this type can occasionally be very useful for helping one break outta their complacency and denial. I highly recommend it, if you’re wanting folks to actually heal, rather than keep letting ‘em circle the drain for years on end, because your income seems more important to retain than your professional integrity.
Do we EVER give ourselves permission to break-off an interpersonal or professional tie? When we don’t, do we ever ask: Is this Prize worth the Price I’m paying to retain it?? Incidentally, those we assume we can’t live without are typically our most painful and infuriating relationships~ but only if you grew up as a neglected, abused child.
How large and/or numerous are the compromises we’re willing to make to our sense of peace, contentment and joy? Do we usually brush ‘em off, tell ourselves they don’t really matter, sweep ‘em under the rug, make allowances and excuses for close others~ ‘cause after all, “nobody’s perfect,” right?
Painful neglect and abuse in childhood, sets us up for false-self defenses that function to protect us from further injury, and keep us alive during excruciating events that cannot help but leave deep, ugly scars on our psyche and soul. Narcissism is merely the decoy that was built in childhood to compensate for an one’s deep sense of inadequacy and insecurity. Bravado and grandiose features in Narcissists (including the pathologically Codependent need to be needed by others) is misinterpreted by the average person as might or strength~ when it’s acutely the opposite.
Both Borderlines and Narcissists lack genuine confidence. “Fake it till you make it,” can be useful in helping one surmount various roadblocks to excelling in life and love, yet we don’t ideally wanna depend on this ideation indefinitely! Solid dedication to emotional growth work (which repairs poor self-worth) is in my experience, the only path that enables clients to literally outgrow personality disorder features, and form healthy, nourishing attachment bonds with those capable of returning their adoration.
Anything less in the realm of human development, is pure fantasy and folly.
My own benchmark for assessing the level of love I hold for someone is, would I be willing to donate a kidney to ‘em if the need presented? For me, a truly meaningful bond must feel reciprocal, or it isn’t a relationship worth hanging onto.
When I get to a place where I’m AWARE of giving more than I’m getting, it’s my cue to either accept another’s limitations and seriously reconfigure my interplay with ‘em, or exit our dance~ but then, I’ve never been one to ‘settle’ for less-than satisfying relationships, or anything else that’s been important to me. The willingness to “settle” is a strand that’s missing from my DNA in this lifetime. And yes, I realize how unique this is.
With reference to friends, lovers and family, just know that ya can’t accept anything really GOOD into your existence (prosperity, love, abundance, etc.), if ya don’t feel genuinely worthy of receiving it. You’ll self-sabotage, and push success and real love away, every single time you get close to it! Deep-seated childhood fear of consistently light feelings (you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop) makes you divert from exploring pleasurable sensations and experiences.
Sadly, faulty childhood programming may have put a kibosh on your ability to welcome real happiness, but with the right kind of assistance, this can be fixed.
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