Sometimes terminating a marriage or long-standing relationship is inevitable. We’ve emotionally outgrown our partner, and are not able to find our way back to vibrating at similar enough frequencies to feel an intimate sense of congruency, like we did at the start of our romance. Sometimes it just wasn‘t a solid enough fit to begin with~ but what the hell did we know about life or sustaining love, in our 20’s?!
If we felt deeply in-love when we married or settled-in with our current attachment, it’s sometimes possible to rewind the clock a bit, and get help to rebuild a bond that can grow stronger than it’s ever been, despite all the little emotional divorces and betrayals that have transpired between us. Does this sound idealistic and unrealistic? Probably, but that doesn‘t mean it’s impossible.
A relationship bond must keep growing and expanding (just like our individual development), or it stagnates and dies. Happily Ever After is merely a fantasy. A lot of self-reflection and willingness to heal, grow and evolve is not just essential to all humans, it’s necessary in order for a relationship to thrive.
In short, if we’re not intent on continuing to explore and get better acquainted with ourselves, how can we ever presume to really “know” our partner, with the passing of years or decades spent together? Have we built a rich, satisfying inner-life? Have we managed to smooth off some of the rough edges in our personality, and grow a bit closer to being our ‘ideal self?’ Can we assume our partner has been working to do this for themselves as well, as they grow alongside us? If not, what then??
Too many of us grew up with serious emotional deficits. Life tended to feel lonely when we couldn’t connect in intimate ways with our parental units. Most children assume their parents love them (“aren’t they supposed to?”), yet have never felt adored, cherished or deeply understood and known.
Many of us were expected to be clones of our mother or father. We had to see the world thru their eyes only, and if we had different perspectives or attitudes about life than they, perhaps we were criticized, ridiculed or shamed for our views. How does anyone develop an independent, healthy sense of Self, under these conditions?
When our parent dies, all that remains is a carbon copy of them, which is Us. Can you imagine anything more depressing? No wonder, 80% of people on our planet are emotionally underdeveloped!
Within the realm of developmental arrest, I’ve written incalculable volumes on the topic of Borderline Personality Disorder. Marriage to someone with BPD traits means you can’t escape the sensation of being on an emotional roller-coaster, 24/7. The slightest little comment you make to your partner may be interpreted by them as a jab or criticism~ and all hell breaks loose, even if you sincerely meant it as complimentary.
Living with a Borderline turns you into someone who’s always walking on eggshells~ but in all likelihood, you grew up with a parental figure or two who made you feel as reticent to say what you thought or felt, as the person you’re now sleeping beside. Molehills always become mountains in your relationship, no matter how many times you try to rationally explain what you meant by an innocuous comment you uttered. The clamshell you’re living with has snapped closed, and there’s no way it’s gonna open to you, until your partner rebalances somewhat emotionally, after a day or two, or three. But what happens to You, in the meantime?!
People who date and marry Borderlines are accustomed to being emotionally exiled. As children, they could have been sent to their room quite often, and felt dejected and ashamed, because Mom or Dad couldn’t even tolerate their presence. Some mothers shoot their kids a ‘look’ that conveys disappointment or disgust. Can you imagine any child growing up with healthy self-esteem under these conditions?? Me neither.
Living with a borderline disordered individual virtually rips the scabs off wounds to an adult child’s ego and sense of Self. We started out with poor self-worth, and the parental injuries inflicted on us that kept this deficit alive, are now re-enacted by our “significant other.” So essentially, someone new is cracking the whip that caused us the most injury when we were small and defenseless.
Helping a Borderline grow emotionally into their chronological age, is no small feat. Highly specialized, emotional growth-oriented, individual treatment spanning one to three years is generally required to break thru a Borderlines defenses, and inspire a desire in them for deep, transformative healing. Self-worth building tools are essential during this process, for as long as one is hard on themselves, recovery is never within reach.
One with BPD traits is lacking in boundaries, impulse control and empathy (not to be confused with sympathy). Their moods are labile, they’re often sickly (due to a lifetime of repressed emotions), they’re never happy or content regardless of their life circumstances, and Anxiety Disorder is very common among emotionally dissociated people. Most Borderlines are pathological liars, master manipulators, and seducers. These people are bottomless pits of need. Molehills are always converted to mountains, and catastrophic thinking is the order of the day.
People with BPD traits often display episodes of cognitive dissonance, which means they’re thought-disordered: You make a statement, it goes into their processing plant (brain) and out of their mouth comes a response that has little or no congruency with what you’d expressed. Borderlines gaslight you. They’ll doggedly insist and swear they told you something they never once uttered. They have selective memory. Less than savory or desirable behaviors they’ve engaged in are erased from their mind~ yet if YOU falter or disappoint ‘em just one tiny bit, it’s indelibly etched on their memory bank~ and they never let you forget it.
Trying to problem-solve with a Borderline, is like attempting to get a 3 year-old to work thru an adult misunderstanding with you. They may say and act like they (finally) understand your point of view, and can comprehend the message you’re trying to get across, but they don’t. Proof’s in the pudding. If you’ve found yourself haggling over the same issues dozens of times, they obviously didn’t comprehend or retain what you conveyed the first 3 times you ‘thought’ they really heard you.
Borderlines hear and retain only what they want to. This can make for incredibly frustrating relationship dynamics~ and let’s face it . . . you wouldn’t knowingly march down the wedding isle with a toddler and expect it to work out well, nor can you realistically anticipate that it will with a Borderline.
IF you relish high-maintenance relationships and you thrive on emotional chaos and staying super-busy micro-managing a housemate, one with BPD features might be a good match for you. If not, and you deeply crave a balanced, emotionally wholesome, mutually trusting and serene relationship bond, maybe you should start interviewing divorce attorneys.
Dissolution of a marriage is a hard choice, and one of the most torturously stressful experiences you’ll ever have to live thru, but if you’re with someone you can’t make love with in myriad domains of your relationship (not just in the bedroom), maybe it’s worth finding your own little corner of contentment and happiness without that individual.
PS: Never leave, thinking of running to someone new (that rarely works out well). Leave only, to discover how to wholeheartedly accept and embrace You.