MID-LIFE CRISIS: Legitimate~ or merely a Societal Construct?
(A couple of typos were fixed, after I sent this one off.)
I was always a late bloomer~ with the exception of my mid-life crisis, which punched me in the face at age 39. I was subtly aware of having forestalled dealing with this pending discomfiture for 3 - 4 years prior, but it finally presented itself with a vengeance.
Suddenly, there was a constant inner-torment on my platter that I had to fall asleep with at night and wake up with every single morning. Nobody can identify with or relate to this kind of stress, unless they’ve personally had to experience it. This is not an external captor that holds us hostage, it’s an unrelenting, ferocious inner-monster that won’t be mollified, no matter how hard we try to appease or vanquish it.
There’s no way to escape this nagging, gnawing, agonizing struggle. You feel as though you’re swirling out of control in the center of a tornado~ and have no bloody idea where or when it’s gonna spit you out, and land you back on terra firma.
This growth process (though we can’t recognize it as such at the time) can get so painful, you feel like you’re gonna die and are afraid you won’t, because you’re in utter misery. A third of my hair fell out during this time, due to the stress of it.
I think there’s a huge difference between one who feels a need for some excitement and novelty in light of a long-term relationship that hasn’t felt vibrant or passionate for years (or maybe never has) and one who has literally entered the molting phase of their development, because they’ve outgrown the skin that’s fit them for years.
Most fail to recognize, much less comprehend the enormous changes in themselves that are ongoing, lifelong. Friends we enjoyed hanging with in our 20’s, are seldom the same people we wanna spend time with in our 40’s. In many instances, we have moved beyond the needs that brought us together when we first met those people, and enjoyed the commonalities we shared. At some point, we realize our priorities, needs and even, values have reshaped themselves with the passage of time.
Whether or not we’re willing to be aware of or acknowledge our continuing growth to whatever extent this is individually possible (based on our openness or willingness to evolve), we are undergoing significant changes, decade to decade! These changes are not only necessary, they are absolutely vital to our maturation process and capacity to derive gratification and a sense of peace, throughout our life’s journey.
Just as a snake must shed its skin as it continues to get larger, humans shed parts of themselves that fail to meet the demands of an evermore intricate and developing Self. Perhaps a simplistic way of viewing this metamorphosis, is asking yourself how you’d feel donning an outfit you wore as a teenager~ now that you’re in your 50’s. Would its style suit your fashion sense today? Might it still fit your physical frame?
The actual definition of Mid-life Crisis is, we have mastered the tasks at one level of our development, and we’re faced with an irrepressible need for something greater and more fulfilling. For some (like myself) this comes in the form of contemplating a significant change in our vocation or career. For many others, it comes in the form of an inescapable sense that the person we’re with is no longer a congruent or suitable match for who we’ve grown into being.
I encountered this issue several times during the course of my romantic life, as I’d emotionally outgrown each of the wonderful men who were for a time, a perfect fit for me. It’s nobody’s fault these relationship bonds could not be sustained past 3 - 4 years. It wasn’t that I stopped loving these fellows~ it’s that I loved myself enough not to stagnate and settle long-term for someone who had fundamentally different aims, intentions, attitudes and priorities, than I.
My determination was to keep growing, healing and evolving toward being my Best Self as each year passed, and I was tenacious in these pursuits (still am, by the way). These marvelous, loving men did not personally share my impetus or motivation, so our parting was inevitable. I somehow knew that I’d come to detest myself for trying to fit my square peg into round holes~ and relinquishing Integral aspects of My Self in the process.
Genuine Mid-life Crisis means we cannot ignore dramatic episodes of expansion our soul is undertaking, en-route to retaining our sense of contentment and joy. If we are afraid to lose what’s under-nourishing and doesn’t match our ever-evolving Self, we stagnate and hasten our death, both figuratively and physically. While we might be able to tolerate feelings of shame or guilt if/when we’re dishonest with another, we experience a deep sense of antipathy when we lie to ourselves.
I believe we are obliged to check-in and keep abreast of myriad changes that occur in us, spiritually, physically and emotionally. If we fail to do this, we are prone to looking outside our Self for stimulation and happiness, while remaining hopelessly dependent on others to supply it for us.
Thankfully, my personal evolution has brought me to where and Who I am today. As long as I’ve stayed curious about what makes me tick and stops me from ticking, I’ve never been bored a day in my life, nor have I felt a need for someone to “love me.” I have grown the capacity to gift admiration, respect and love to myself. In short, nobody celebrates me, like Me.
My intricate understanding of human nature is merely a byproduct of living long-term with an intense interest in knowing and accepting myself fully. I don‘t believe we can ever deeply understand others, unless we’ve first acquired an intimate understanding of our own nature, and all its aspects.
People who are devoid of darker aspects have no authentic spiritual or emotional equilibrium. There’s no counter-balance for the “light” parts within. These folks tend to be one-dimensional, predictable, flat and (dare I say?) boring. The irony is, they are mostly attracted to personality disordered lovers who are willing to ‘carry’ the darker (disowned) aspects that People Pleasers and Over-Givers are loathe to claim as their own.
The upshot of all this of course, is that if you are uncomfortable with your own darkness, you‘ll be fascinated by and attracted to this feature in anyone you wanna fuck. Never will you choose another just like yourself, as they’ll bore you.
It is normal, natural, healthy and quintessentially human to live with and express a full repertoire of emotions! All these feelings make up the essential Us, and we Them. If you can’t or won’t get to a place of embracing all these parts of your Self, you’ll look for and be attracted to the missing facets of YOU, in somebody else~ because you’ll have an ongoing, nagging sense that “somethings missing” in your life, when you don’t.
Please pass this along to anyone you know, who might benefit from reading it.