MYTH: We automatically outgrow our childhood trauma, 'cause "kids are resilient!"
Guess again~ and NO, they are not!
Who doesn’t dread and abhor confrontation?! Who isn’t afraid to speak their truth, say what’s on their mind or in their heart, and NOT fear being shamed or abandoned for it?
I ruffled the feathers of a client last week, and was well aware of it~ even though he denied feeling upset. I knew he would cut and run from the help I’ve attempted to offer, rather than being honest about how I’d disappointed and/or pissed him off.
This is not just a young male who struggles with handling difficult emotions or those which he might harshly judge. It was never safe for him to entertain a vast variety of his feelings as a child, without incurring ridicule and resultant feelings of shame delivered by a defective parental unit. Sadly, this is the case for millions of people, worldwide.
When most people contemplate engaging therapeutic help, they envision being coddled, babied, and treated with kid gloves. While there are surely times when this approach is much needed and effective to help soothe one’s traumatized inner 2 year old, if a mirror is never held up to reveal how one’s entrenched thought and behavioral patterns undermine him, are we fostering opportunity for real change?
The false-self (one’s narcissistic defense against feeling vulnerable or fragile) must routinely compensate for facets in the Self he or she believes are unacceptable or unsavory. But who made us feel that way about ourselves during early childhood, whenever those parts of us and all the emotions that attended them, surfaced?
“Children should be seen and not heard,” is perhaps a phrase many of us are familiar with, but do we ever outgrow the need to censor honest expression of our feelings, for fear of being emotionally or physically withdrawn from or abandoned by someone who really matters to us?? If you guessed “No,” you are correct!
The primary purpose of Emotional Development work is to reassociate you with a litany of emotions you dissociated from as a toddler. Dissociation from emotions is the driver or catalyst if you will, for personality disorder traits in human society. If we can’t continue to grow into being our authentic, true Self that accepts and embraces a plethora of genuine personality dimensions and emotions, we remain developmentally arrested at precisely the age (around two years old) when we started burying ‘em, in order to survive at home.
The problem with emotional dissociation is, when we grow up judging certain emotions we might believe to be bad or wrong, we’re harshly critical and shaming to ourselves whenever they start to emerge! Nobody who’s hard on themselves (for any reason) can ever feel truly happy and content, because there remains disdain and hatred for aspects of the Self that are just normal, healthy and human.
Besides, when we kill off parts of the Self like depression, sadness, envy, anger or rage for instance, we essentially amputate those vital, passionate feelings out of our emotional repertoire, and remain somewhat infantile. No growth is possible under these circumstances, no coping skills are ever acquired, and we remain ill at ease in the world of fully-functional adults. At the very least, this practice fails to effectively serve us during interactions with others!
I’m direct and straightforward. This facet occasionally spills over into the work I do with clients, because there are times while working with an emotionally dissociated individual, it’s literally the only way to break thru their long-held, highly-insulated self-protective bubble, and effect healthy change. My dad once said, “sometimes ya gotta hit a man between the eyes with a 2 x 4, just to get his attention.” I keep a few on hand, for emergencies.
Do I enjoy using ‘tough love’ interventions with people who’ve chosen to trust me with their care? No, in fact I hate it! However, I’m not here for My health, I’m here and steadfastly dedicated to Theirs! When a stuck door won’t open, sometimes ya gotta use a little elbow grease, so the being on the other side can finally see a little light.
Our child-self informs on every single life choice, decision and action we take as adults, until the day we die. Do we want these endeavors to be nourishing, gratifying and success-producing, or do we not? Have we ever given it much thought~ or have we contented ourselves with merely surviving, because that’s what feels familiar to us since childhood?
A three year old or adolescent will naturally make very different choices than a grownup who’s acquired circumspection, wisdom and the capacity for managing feelings of delayed gratification. He’s learned thru complex and sometimes painful experiences, that instant gratification is short lived~ and when he makes choices from that standpoint, it’s not long before he feels right back at Square One.
Not every life-altering session is gonna feel comfortable. It’s not designed to be, if you’re looking for genuine growth, healing and positive change. If you aren’t, by all means keep going with every modality of treatment or quick-fix “healing” you may encounter, and try to manage the disappointment ya feel with your outcomes.
Truth is, it’s literally impossible to heal our adult Self if we’re not simultaneously accepting, nurturing and healing the toddler and teenager inside us. These are permanent, integral parts of a whole, healthy personality structure. The real challenge is, finding a professional who knows how to help us fully mend, integrate and embrace ALL the parts of our Self, so we can finally be free of self-loathing and self-destructive traits, and live 93% of our time here in contentment, harmony and joy.
My father used to say, “97% of the things we worry about, never come to fruition.” I’ve lived long enough to attest to this being unequivocally true!
Now, isn’t it time to think about discovering Resolution, Empowerment, Success and Transformation? Get ready to find REST, at www.GettinBetter.com