An old friend of many years ago used to routinely say, “no good deed goes unpunished.” I’ve always hated this expression, because I’ve believed it to be a very negative way of looking at life, and surely there are people who can appreciate our care, concern and assistance, during their time of need.
In hindsight however, there was merit to my friend’s attitude about this issue. First, he was a Super-Giver, which was obvious compensation for some deep insecurities he’d had since early childhood, thanks to having been raised by a narcissistic mom with BPD traits. He’d also never dated or married anyone other than Borderline Personality Disordered females.
You can’t please a Borderline. It’s utterly impossible. The better you care for and love someone with BPD features, the quicker they’ll dissect your relationship to find a fly in the ointment, and find fault with you. WHY? Because contrary to popular belief, Borderlines are NOT afraid of abandonment. They’re terrified of meaningful, nourishing attachment.
Attachment represents a loss of Self (what little a Borderline has). The process of actually bonding with another triggers anxiety in people with BPD traits. This element is the singularly most important factor to consider, if you’re a therapist who accepts these folks into your practice.
Therapists don’t generally experience frustration or ‘burn-out’ in their practice, unless they’re working with clients who have pronounced BPD traits. These clients complain bitterly about the same issues week to week, month to month and year to year~ yet will not utilize suggestions or guidance you offer, that can help them advance or progress beyond their immediate crisis or conundrum.
So very non-compliant with treatment is the borderline disordered client, they may one day turn on their therapist for “failing” to help them. Any clinician worth their salt owns their mistakes, and offers heartfelt apologies for having slipped up~ but the BPD client will never peer into their own mirror and take responsibility for their resistance to being well-cared for and helped.
Many Borderlines have been thru a plethora of clinicians during the course of their lifetime, frequently starting when they were teenagers. Others have routinely endured weekly sessions with one therapist for decades (which to my mind, is absurd). The BPD client deems each of these professionals to be ineffectual, and is determined to keep searching for someone to finally help them heal~ but never accepts that the obstacle to this aim is THEM, and they are in fact, the common denominator in all their “disappointing” psychotherapeutic endeavors.
All Borderlines have poor self-worth. They have massive insecurities since early childhood, and are full of self-loathing. If there’s nobody around to be used as a whipping post to take their anger out on, they’ll turn their rage onto themselves (which is why many are determined never to spend time alone).
People with BPD traits try really hard to be “good people,” and many are hyper-religious, needing fairly rigid boundaries to help them know what to believe, and how to think and behave. Never, will you see a Borderline who’s capable of independent, original thought, though they’re masters at mimicking or parroting the writings of others.
Even though they adhere to firm life parameters in their attempt to be “Christ-like,” their defenses have them acting-out suppressed feelings, rather than speaking about ‘em with a partner, which is the #1 cause of extra-marital affairs and divorces among Borderlines. They’ll justify ego-dystonic practices (outside the realm of how they must see themselves as a “good person”), by putting the blame for their need to cheat, on their lover or spouse.
Due to never having felt worthy or deserving of someone’s care, affection or adoration, people with Borderline Personality Disorder cannot help but sabotage any relationship that’s supportive, nourishing or kind to them. The old adage, “I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member” definitely holds true for many of these core-damaged souls.
So, the husband or wife who’s dedicated themselves to being a dutiful, responsible and loving spouse, is always a target for the Borderline’s dissatisfaction, revulsion and rage. This is due to the fact that they cannot appreciate nor respect anyone (not even the therapist treating ‘em) who sees them in a far more positive light, than they view themselves.
The bottom line? If you’ve loved or cared for one of these people and tried your level best to help ‘em untangle the chaos and drama they endlessly struggle with, not only won’t they appreciate your efforts, they’re determined to prove you wrong for having thought well of ‘em, in the first place~ because in the world of Borderlines, no good deed (ever) goes unpunished.