PEOPLE-PLEASING: The Too-Polite Plight.

How to Instantly Identify Insecurity in Others

Obsequious

/əbˈsikwiəs/

/əbˈsikwiɪs/

IPA guide

If you disapprove of the overly submissive way someone is acting — like the teacher's pet or a celebrity's assistant — call them by the formal adjective obsequious.

There are many words in the English language for a person or an action that is overly obedient and submissive. Obsequious people are usually not being genuine; they resort to flattery and other fawning ways to stay in the good graces of authority figures. An obsequious person can be called a bootlicker, a brown-noser, ass-kisser or a toady. You can also say that someone gives an obsequious bow, a gesture that means, "your wish is my command."

When I was a kid in grammar school, the very worst thing you could called by your peers, was a Goodie-Two-Shoes! It seemed every child on the playground knew this was as derogatory a label you could ever assign to another. It means one’s behaviors are overly-polite to the point of being saccharine (too sweet) . . . and nauseating.

I absolutely loathe obsequiousness, because it comes across as inauthentic~ or in short, phony. This behavior alerts me that someone is insecure, and thus trying too damned hard to please. I can’t respect people who are obsequious, because it’s obvious to me they don’t respect themselves. Frankly, the behavior makes my skin crawl.

In my early twenties I went out with a guy a couple times who remarked one day, “you’re a shit-disturber!” He was an attorney, with a fairly pronounced southern accent. I was not familiar with this term, but it didn’t land with me as a criticism. I wondered at the time however, what element was apparent in me or my personality that evoked this statement from someone who didn’t even know me ~hell, I didn’t know myself back then!

We were in his condo, and there wasn’t a piece of furniture in sight. This man, “Bruce” explained that his wife when she left him, took everything~ including the toilet paper! Odd, I thought, but said nothing. He excused himself and briefly disappeared from the living room, where I was seated on the carpet. After a few minutes, Bruce reappeared without a stitch of clothing on! So there I was, sitting in a vacant apartment with a stark-naked male, who in a heavy southern accent announced: “Aah’m in almost perfect physical shape!”

Had I not felt slightly shocked in that moment, I’d have laughed my ass off. My older sis and I got countless miles of hysterical laughter for many years after this incident, whenever she or I would mock that dude, who apparently thought I’d be inspired to fuck him, just because he’d bought me lunch. I sternly told Bruce to immediately put his clothes back on (which he did), and demanded he take me home. All this incidentally, came after his “shit-disturber” comment~ but it started feeling like it fit.

As a sidebar ladies, you’re never obligated to do anything with a male you don’t want to~ even if ya think your future livelihood depends on it. Don’t even get me started on the “Me Too” movement. Gawd. I’m not in any way suggesting that gals who are sexually attacked had it coming, but maybe some good ol’ common sense and chutzpah can intervene on occasion, and get a gal who’s robust enough about self-care, out of a sticky-wicket.

Okay, switching gears now: Men, don’t ever show up with flowers on a first date! Intelligent women (that is, grown, emotionally mature females, not girls) will interpret this as you’re trying to compensate for your insecurities. I don’t give a damn if you’ve corresponded for months online, and/or if you’ve had lengthy phone chats and think this is your next soulmate. DO NOT show up to your first physical meeting with flowers! It says, I don’t feel I’m enough (as I am), so maybe this bouquet will convince you otherwise. It’s obsequious behavior and you’re starting off with a disadvantage, so QUIT it!

Many of my clients have been either Borderlines or Codependents. Each represents one side of the core trauma coin. Both have a pathological need to be approved of, accepted and liked~ they’ve just developed compulsive behavior patterns which have them going about seducing you a little differently~ but it’s all the same shit.

These people are easy to spot, even in the voicemails they leave me the very first time they phone for help. In sessions, they always wanna start off with, “how are you?” and usually end with, “I hope you have a nice evening,” or “have good weekend.” UGH. These are by-rote behaviors. They’re reflexive, automatic and habitual~ not genuine. Can You ‘hear’ when someone’s being inauthentic, and saying or writing something ‘cause they think it’ll make ya like em?? I sure as hell can!

Even when applying for a new job, obsequiousness can hurt you with a prospective employer (regardless of how stellar your resume), because he/she reads ‘insecurity’ in your cover letter! It’s the same with a potential new landlord, when you’re looking for place to live. In short, smart people see right through this stuff you’re doing in effort to win ‘em over, and it turns them off. It says, I’m weak and passive, and will do literally anything, to make you like me~ even when it’s to my own detriment.

It’s easy to say to someone, “just be yourself.” But people who are emotionally underdeveloped (Borderlines and Codependents or both) have no concept of who they actually are! A client wished to refer his friend to me one day, and put her on the phone so we could meet.

This gal had been struggling emotionally. She stated, “I just wanna get back to who I was before all this happened.” I’ve heard this said by thousands who’re trying to surmount the pain of a breakup from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I sensed she had those features as well (like attracts like). If we’d had just two more minutes together, I’d thought to reply, when in your whole life have you actually known who you are, and felt happy with yourself? (What’s really there to “get back” to??)

Just as it takes time to grow and rebuild a full emotional repertoire (so one’s core can heal and mature) it takes considerable time to get fully acquainted with oneself~ particularly when you’ve been running from at least half your emotions lifelong (sadness, anger, jealousy, envy, depression, etc.) and judging yourself as “wrong or bad” for feeling ‘em!

Outgrowing your nerdy need to be an obsequious People-Pleaser can be done, once ya find a professional who’s not afraid to jerk your chain each time the reflexive need in you arises to make others view you as better than you see yourself. Dismantling this trait takes practice, folks.

Otherwise, you’ll likely carry these behaviors the rest of your natural life, and into the next two or three or ten. In essence, ya wanna work hard to resolve the deep-seated insecurities in you that drive this obnoxious behavior, so that others can start to respect, trust, and take you seriously.