The Agony I Routinely Observe in My World

~while trying to spread a little joy wherever and however, I can.

A young woman who works as a grocery clerk at my local market is quite obviously navigating a gender transition process. My interactions with her/him have been kind, respectful and caring.

When I greet this checker, I always say, hi~ how’re ya doing? The reply always comes back as, “I’m okay,” yet “his” vocal tone and facial expression aren’t congruent with the utterance of these words.

Yesterday, I handed my calling card to this young person, saying ~if you ever wanna chat about it, please feel free to call me. I got a “thank you,” to which I replied, it’s my pleasure. For better or worse, I quickly pick up on people’s energy and mood. I can sense a great deal about an individual within 15 - 30 seconds, when they phone seeking my help. The sound of their breathing and voice gives ‘em away.

My developmental journey has made me acutely aware of what others are experiencing (or aren’t). While I’ve never claimed to be an empath (and don’t now), I can feel another’s emotional pain within my own body. This has proven extremely helpful in my work with core-injured individuals. I don’t have to SEE someone, to effectively help them surmount their struggles.

My sister’s daughter transitioned many years ago, so I suppose I technically have two nephews now. She and I have not had contact for many years, but I was the first in our family she trusted enough to reveal her love affair with another female long before she imagined a complete physical metamorphosis might bring her the “happiness” she’d sought since she was very young. Numerous tattoos, body piercings, S&M sexual practices, bi and homosexuality, and a litany of other endeavors had not provided the ‘key’ to unlocking my niece’s joy. The attainment of Happiness after all, is an Inside Job~ and there are no shortcuts.

I feel for this young grocery clerk. My body cells alert me to the fact that she’s been struggling throughout most of her young existence. One can readily see that underneath the burgeoning patches of facial hair, this was a pretty girl.

Having been passionately curious about human nature since around the time my mother fed me in a highchair, this inquisitive fascination of mine has never waned. I’d long ago sensed that if I could figure out what made Me tick (and stopped me from ticking), I might arrive at a place of radical self-acceptance, and come to like myself just as I am.

An emotional breakdown at twenty which resulted in suicidal depression, was my catalyst~ my launching pad, you might say. I knew full well, I never wanted to re-experience that level of depression~ but that it would likely take considerable healing and growth to completely reverse the course of my ship. I am happy to report, all that effort paid off spectacularly, and ‘baby steps’ got me where I wanted to go.

One thing’s for sure~ during this decades-long pursuit to intimately know myself, I’ve never been bored. The delightful bonus that came from learning about and deeply understanding my own complex human nature, is that it’s given me a stellar window thru which I’m able to deeply understand others, as well. And what a gift this has been for me in this lifetime! I think it’s why millions of people have so closely identified with and related to my online articles.

I am hoping I get to speak with this young person from my local market. I’d really love to know more about this individual’s struggles, and see if I can lend a little comfort and wisdom. You just never know, when a helping hand can slightly alter the course of one’s life in a positive way. I think we all encounter opportunities to lighten another’s load, but we’re so embroiled in our own day-to-day challenges, it’s not easy to notice someone else’s.

Yesterday, I took myself out for a special Happy Birthday lunch at a favorite restaurant (my local Houston’s in Pasadena). I sat at the bar and had a brief exchange with the man sitting beside me. He seemed like a nice chap, and his young adult son was with him. We chatted a bit, as we hungrily devoured our meals.

When strangers ask, “what do you do?,” I have a variety of answers for ‘em depending on my mood in the moment. Over yesterday’s lunch I replied, I’m in the life-saving business. He phoned me last night, and during our brief exchange I got confirmation of what I’d already sensed while sitting next to him at Houston’s bar. He’s been married twice, apparently to females with Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

He claims to “not be struggling,” but I know better. I’m aware he has a high threshold for tolerating emotional pain (fixer/rescuer types always do). He expressed being interested in engaging my assistance, and I’m sensing that his lingering confusion in the aftermath of these two failed marriages still causes him unrest. This in itself, can easily spawn obsessive-compulsive thinking, for that which we cannot understand remains a disconcerting mental puzzle we may be plagued with the rest of our natural life. UGH… I literally cannot imagine anything more tormenting!

I felt his ambivalence last night about pursuing relief he preliminarily suspects I can provide after perusing my website~ and that’s okay. I’ve always believed that people find their way to my web materials or directly to me, through a bit of divine intervention. This has historically helped me trust that what’s meant to be, is.

I suppose the root of this fatalist perspective I’ve maintained for many years, is my faith that everything works out the way it’s supposed to, according to a Grander Plan I can’t always see or comprehend the intricacies of, in any given situation. This way of relating to my experiences enables me to loosen my vice-grip of control, which is a natural and all too common byproduct of having endured an extremely unstable childhood (as kids, we acquire the skills we MUST, in order to survive).

Along these same lines, I’ve frequently asked God to intervene in this upcoming election, so America and its citizens can return to a more rational, wholesome and humane set of standards, and corruption and evil can at least be significantly derailed and minimized, if not totally vanquished. Amen.