THE Crash Course on dating, and avoiding getting involved with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder traits!

Borderlines have NO IDEA what the term, 'INTIMACY' means. Do you??

So, ya meet a guy or gal you’re attracted to, and all of a sudden, you’re each airing your dirty laundry, and the familial or romantic skeletons in your respective closets. THIS INTERPLAY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER, TO DO WITH GENUINE INTIMACY!

If we break down the word “intimacy,” it’s actually, into-me-see. Intimacy is not about sharing our respective life traumas with another when we meet ‘em! If you, or anyone you know is doing this during the getting acquainted stage in a relationship, y’all are doing it WRONG, because a complete lack of boundaries is being acted-out with a total stranger.

REAL intimacy, is sharing in the moment what’s on your mind or in your heart. It sounds something like this: “Gosh, I’m aware we’ve known each other only a couple of months, but I’m feeling really close to you, right now.” Or, “I’m wondering if you’d be up for a hike or a movie today, and would ya like to grab some lunch?” Even, “This feels a bit scary to me right now, ‘cause it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten involved with anyone.” The italicized words are your qualifiers.

Intimate conveyances work best, when they include qualifiers. If you barely know someone, but you’re filled with loving feelings for ‘em, use a qualifier: “I’m feeling some warm, loving feelings for you in this moment.” No matter how intensely caring or loving we feel toward someone we barely know, to say “I love you,” automatically implies permanence! It’s often a dangerously premature game-changer. So, if these strong feelings come up for you early in your courtship, make sure to use qualifiers when you convey them! This will help diffuse those powerful feelings a bit, because if you try and suppress ‘em (‘cause your head says you barely know this individual) they’ll get stronger, and feel irrepressible!

Getting to know someone is about finding out how many things you have in common with ‘em, so you can determine the level of compatibility you share. What kind of music do they like best? What sorts of food are they especially fond of? Are they health-conscious? Do they they like to work out, and eat a healthy diet? Are they happy in their work? What are some of their favorite movies? Do they consider themselves more an ‘outdoor cat,’ or an ‘indoor cat?’ Are they creative or artistic in any way? Do they like to read? THESE ARE THE KINDS OF QUESTIONS TO ASK EARLY ON, WHEN YA MEET SOMEONE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO, AND EXCITED ABOUT! (“What’s your favorite season of the year?”)

THIS is how emotionally sound, healthy people “date.”

If ya meet somebody who asks you right away about family dynamics or history, or they seem interested in learning of your past romances, there’s a strong likelihood they have Borderline Personality Disorder traits. WHY? Because they wanna go real deep, real fast, and they have no reverence for boundaries. They also have zero sense about what “intimacy” really is… and how on God’s green planet, can serious, dramatic dialogues about very personal and private topics on a first or second date, seem like a sound or good idea?! Bottom line, it can’t and it doesn’t!

Getting acquainted with someone new is merely an exploration. It’s the discovery phase of a relationship, which is supposed to be an exciting, intriguing, fun part of your journey!

Borderlines thrive on drama, chaos and conflict. They’re intensity seekers, and whether they’re exposed to favorable or painful emotional intensity, it awakens enlivening feelings in one who dissociated from a litany of emotions, since they were around the age of 2. This has left them with a vast void inside their core, where a broad variety of emotional states are supposed to reside, lifelong.

Intense feelings (whether pleasurable OR painful) break-through a Borderline’s non-feeling bubble, which helps them feel energized, enlivened, stimulated, and less dead and empty inside. Calm, loving and serene periods or episodes in a relationship bond for a Borderline, are akin to Kryptonite to Superman! They will always find a way to throw a monkey wrench into your relationship dynamic, because closeness and harmony are anxiety-provoking for folks with BPD traits.

Very few people actually know how to date. Just today, I was planting these seeds with a young man in my practice, to help him pivot his thinking about what dating really means, and how to do it successfully. Dating is about assessing how many characteristics, tastes and passions the other person possesses, that line up well with ours. These are the things that determine compatibility with another~ NOT SHARED TRAUMA, for fuck’s sake!

Anyone who feels a need to tell ya about their last “abusive” relationship on a first or second date, is not an emotionally balanced individual (even if it’s true~ and with Borderlines, it never is). Borderlines project a lot of their own unsavory features onto others. They are often pathological liars. You literally cannot believe most of what they tell you. You’ll notice inconsistencies in their stories, and they seem to contradict themselves from one day to the next. THIS IS A RED FLAG, that you’re with someone who has BPD traits.

You’re so excited by and attracted to this individual, you wanna overlook some of these minor little (what the fuck?) moments, and sweep ‘em under the rug. You tell yourself not to let ‘em matter, ‘cause by now, you’re already fantasizing about getting between the sheets with ‘em, and that bulge in your trousers is doing the thinking for ya.

Ignoring incongruencies is your first mistake when you’re getting acquainted with someone, that can signal torment and excruciating heartache up ahead for you! Everyone has “potential,” but when we start assigning qualities and characteristics to another they simply aren’t displaying to us, it’s merely Wishful Thinking… and if ya don’t know how far that takes ya by now, maybe you could benefit from a little Healthy-Life coaching.

An old friend of mine who was 20 years my senior gave me great advice when I was a much younger woman. She said, “Shari, never try to make a fruit salad out of a banana!” Her advice strongly admonished that I not confuse good sex with Love, ‘cause we seldom find both in the same package~ and if we DO, we’re exceptionally lucky!

Think about all this. See if you can amend how you go about dating and mating. Only 20% of humans on our planet are free of BPD traits, and actually capable of attaching in healthy, harmonious ways to another.

Keep your early dialogues with somebody new, light, enjoyable and airy~ (DO they have a sense of humor??) and if ya really feel a need to take a deep plunge with ‘em right off the bat, ask yourself HOW & WHY you’ve come to believe all your potentially enjoyable, lighthearted interactions with strangers need to elicit and include heavy, dramatic and painful, personal memories and revelations!