The DARK side of Do-gooders: Are they selfless or selfish?

In relationships, it's hard sometimes not to wear your fixer, rescuer or healer hat. It throws the balance in your friendship or romance way outta whack, turns it into a non-reciprocal one-way street, and it's not healthy or nourishing for either of you.

Ever hear the expression, "you get what you pay for"? Have you noticed that your "friend" never heeds your guidance, or utilizes your advice? That's because most people don't value what doesn't cost them (it's why therapy is far more effective, than anything YOU can give em).

If you have needful friends who chronically complain and seem to have issues with their relationships, work environment or family matters, gently urge them to seek counseling help from a professional, then let their calls go to VM, and don't check in with them more than once a month.

Borderlines love to bitch and moan about their discontent and disappointments. They're merely seeking attention they didn't get from their mommy. You cannot make up for those early deficits, so stop trying!

There are plenty of FREE or low-cost, donation based clinics around that can help meet their need. Even colleges that specialize in offering psych degrees often offer free counseling services, if your friend doesn't have the funds to pay for therapy.

In a relationship that offers any value to you at all, ya can't assume the role of therapist, nurse or mommy. It's not your JOB to take care of anyone in this way, and if you really NEED to be in the one-up position with someone like this, it's YOUR poor self-worth and control issues you really oughta seek professional help to dismantle!

You picked up this habit at a very young age to survive in your family of origin home, but REAL empowerment has nothing to do with compulsively helping or fixing others. Truly healthy, strong and empowered people don't NEED to be needed, to feel good about themselves, and they definitely don't prey on the weak and needy, or form intimate relationships with 'em.

Being "aware" of your pathological codependency reflexes is not enough to dismantle them. I have a gal pal who's gotten better at putting Her needs first in relationships, but she's still subject to feeling guilty, if she says "No" to someone, instead of Yes, when they have a need, and allows emotional vampires to drain her energy and life-force.

Fixing someone else's issues (or trying) feeds our need to stay busy, and keep running from our own issues, deficits and problems. It's merely a distraction if you will, that keeps us impaired and broken.

I published my book about 4 years ago now, about the dark, addictive/compulsive side of caregiver personalities, because I was once upon a time, that person. I broke myself of that bad habit, and perhaps You should too. DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? is a highly detailed, partly autobiographical, literary journey into how this compulsion to fix others, got implanted in you as a very young child.

The bottom line is, you engage in these behaviors, because not only do you NOT recognize or know yourself accurately, you're unwilling to grow, expand and change yourself in ways that will bring you more love, success and abundance! Nobody can give a drink of water to another from an empty well, yet isn't it kinda crazy, you keep believing you can?