It’s easy when we’re coupled, to feel like we’re one with somebody. There’s a sense of belonging to them and them to us, which can feel satisfying and comforting. There’s a downside to being coupled however, that nobody ever talks about.
A lot of people feel like they have to be accountable for time spent away from their main squeeze. When we join our heart with another, I suppose it’s a given~ but do we magically cease being two separate, independent, autonomous beings, with our own feelings, needs and inner thoughts? Do we owe it to our partner to reveal literally everything that shows up within our inner world?
Unfortunately, most people see sharing a life with someone this way. They believe they have to ‘share’ every feeling and thought that enters their body and brain (respectively), and that there’s some sort of unspoken rule that automatically makes them cling to this behavior~ after all, they’re a “couple” now.
Women are somewhat notorious for wanting to share every tiny detail of their inner workings with men they’re sleeping beside, which can make a lotta guys feel utterly exhausted, because they’re obliged to be attentive and responsive, or World War III will be launched. Can you imagine??
Borderline disordered females can feel invisible and non-existent, when there’s nobody bouncing dialogue back to ‘em, so tensions can grow pretty fast. I recently posted, IF A BORDERLINE FALLS IN THE FOREST, AND THERE’S NOBODY AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES HE/SHE MAKE A SOUND? which may exemplify how excess or superfluous interaction can weaken the fabric of even the best relationships! Have you ever known a Chatty Cathy? I sure have, and they can suck the life-force right outta you, if you’re resigned to being their captive audience!
Borderlines thrive on chaos, conflict and drama, because they feel dead inside, without it. You automatically become the source of their stimulation (needed to produce in them a sense of aliveness), whether you want that job, or not.
In psychology speak, “enmeshment” simply put, is where you can’t discern where You end, and another begins~ and where They end, and You begin. You both walk around on eggshells, hoping not to disappoint or trigger the other, and each of you lacks a healthy sense of boundaries and autonomy. This issue stems from having been an infant who was not allowed to separate and individuate from Mother, when it’s age appropriate to do so (about age one) in order to begin forging an autonomous, independent Self, separate from her. This very necessary, healthy developmental stage happens around the time we start crawling.
Many enmeshed children carry a fantasy into their adult life, thinking that two people who love each other and merge, are ONE. They dare not have different needs, thoughts, opinions, etc., or there’s hell to pay. Insecurity and anxiety loom large for folks like this. They feel compelled to keep tabs on their beloved, 24/7~ but nobody can live joyfully under that sort of confinement. We need to be free agents, not birds in a gilded cage held captive against our will.
Some couples think they have to “share everything.” This works fine in theory, but not always in practice. In fact, if you think it through, will the material you feel a pressing need to share with your beloved (out of some sort of “transparency” obligation you think is essential) hurt the very person you’d do literally anything to avoid harming?
Is your guilt so intense, you just have to unload your transgression onto your significant other, so you don’t have to shoulder it alone?? Is this one of those instances where a momentary indiscretion has you wanting to do the “right” thing, but it may not be the “BEST” thing? Will you bring more harm to your partner by planting that image in their head, even when you’re pretty damned certain you’ll never repeat that little exercise?
I have a healthy set of morals, but I’m not a prude. I think we ought to try thinking in shades of grey, rather than black or white. All humans have disparate feelings and needs, and we make mistakes. Perhaps the overwhelming guilt we feel after screwing up, is painful enough to prevent us from ever wanting to do it again~ and perhaps not. But the point is, we are all autonomous, independent beings, whether we’re madly in love with someone or not.
Our sexuality and genitals, our emotions and heart, our organs and connective tissues, and everything in-between, all belong solely to US. We might loan ‘em to someone we feel is worthy of sharing our myriad facets, but in the final analysis, we belong to Ourselves, and nobody else.
A man I once dated said, “if you cheat on me, that’s your business~ but it will put our relationship at risk. The choice is yours.” I thought that was pretty fucking smart of him.