The NON-Compliant Client: Therapist Ineptitude~ or Client Resistance?
Alas~ ya can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!
A solid, meaningful therapeutic relationship is always a collaborative effort~ a joint endeavor if you will, and if you think it isn’t (whether you’re a clinician OR client), you’re either dangerously naive, or stupid.
When a client won't follow guidance that’s given, when they ignore concrete, useful suggestions offered to assist them in reaching their expressed aims or goals, they are demonstrating that they DO NOT want to become happier or well. These types of folks will often blame their therapist for not working with them effectively enough~ but this behavior is typically projection by the client, and very rarely the issue.
Far too many people grew up in a lotta pain. Experiencing the absence of it as they're making therapeutic strides and healing, feels foreign to them, anxiety provoking, and uncomfortable! In truth, anything outside one’s personal realm of experience always feels somewhat intimidating and scary (at least, at first).
As children, many of us gave up on the notion of ever being truly happy and content. We resigned ourselves to living without these pleasurable feeling states, because we had NO frame of reference for ever having experienced them!
Trying to convince a person who’s never felt genuine contentment and joy that light, good feelings ARE possible to achieve and retain about 85% of the time, is equivalent to launching ourselves to the moon, strapped to a banana. (Welcome to My world.)
People with BPD traits frequently have a deep belief in suffering. They’ve accepted this as their reality since infancy. Anything that feels vastly better or different to 'em, is literally outside their wheelhouse to accommodate. Add to this, change of any type feels destabilizing to all of us for a little while, until we gradually adjust and adapt to it. The borderline personality is off-center and lacks emotional grounding, due to being internally fragmented (much like tiny shards of glass we observe when a mirror shatters)~ so even miniscule changes in their daily routine or relationships knock them completely out of their already-fragile orbit.
The belief that life and love must be HARD catalyzes self-sabotaging traits in millions. It can be nearly impossible to break one’s habit of making choices and decisions that predictably reinforce and perpetuate pain-producing outcomes. For too many, this inclination is their “normal.” It’s literally their lifelong, familiar comfort zone. They know no better . . . and don’t actually wish to.
Ah well, ya can't save 'em all as they say, which is strictly due to the fact that some individuals like the Borderline Waif do not WANT to be saved. They will undermine any and all efforts you make to change the agonizing circumstances to which they’ve become accustomed~ yet endlessly complain about.
People who deep-down identify as 'victims' (even on a subconscious level) get attention from others by bitching, moaning and complaining bitterly about their lives and relationships. Those with borderline personality traits are attention whores, so even when their actions provoke negative reactions from others, they actually prefer these over no attention at all. This is why they nit-pic and start fights with their partners, and before ya know it, molehills have become unscalable mountains.
There’s an old saying: A tiger can’t change its stripes. As a very young woman, I found myself at a crucial and memorable crossroads. I knew that going in one direction meant I’d likely soon be taking a dive off a tall rooftop. The other path represented what I’d hoped ‘might’ yield a more positive, life-sustaining and nourishing outcome, but I sensed it would require diligence and unrelenting dedication to growing and healing myself. Was I up for the challenge?? Only time would tell.
What matters, is I took the risk and accepted that mission. There’ve been growing pains along the way of course, but suicide has never again been an option since that early time in my (then) excruciating existence. I’ve never had a specific mental picture of what “happiness” would entail for me. That is to say, I held no wish-list fantasies about “what’s gonna make me happy?” I hoped only for feelings of lightness and safety, and whatever ended up sitting under that umbrella, I happily embraced.
Maybe this way of thinking about whatever future ‘life’ you wish to construct for yourself, can work for you, too.