We cannot WILL ourselves to be ready for change, even if it's highly beneficial to us.
I’ve been stating for decades, that we can’t be ready, before we’re READY. You may SAY you want solid emotional or physical health, but if it’s a foreign concept to ya, you’ll resist it with all your might.
Most people enter therapeutic treatment when they’re in crisis. It could be a health, wealth or relationship setback that has motivated them to seek professional assistance, but it’s always something they feel impotent to change on their own, after numerous failed attempts to do so.
The Ego of man is a wondrous thing. For many, needing help to resolve an issue they’re struggling with, triggers core shame. They’ve grown up having learned to handle just about every challenge (mostly due to having had underdeveloped, incompetent parents), and grandiosity (an aspect of their Narcissism) imbues them with the unshakable belief they still can.
The Narcissist is an island unto him or herself. They grew to be a non-needing child, because they could not rely on anyone in their household to be responsive to (or even notice) their needs. Add to this, they derived their only sense of worth, from giving to others what they themselves desperately needed, but could never get.
The defenses that children forge to protect them from further pain, actually save the lives of millions. The problem is, these defenses (think of them as a suit of armor) cause a litany of obstacles to joy and contentment, in adulthood: Have YOU ever tried getting really close to someone who wears an impenetrable shell around them?
Defenses come in all colors, shapes and sizes. They may not even be recognizable, from one person to the next. Our mind wants to reassure us someone we’re interested in is emotionally whole and sound, yet we cannot help noticing little irregularities and inconsistencies that make us question their honesty, their integrity or character~ which feels at best, disquieting. “Can we really trust this individual?” we find ourselves having to ponder. We WANT them to be everything we hope they are, to satisfy myriad emotional needs we have… but are they?
This type of event causes unrest in one’s soul. Many resign themselves to living with feelings of uncertainty regarding a partner, and some even require it to keep them a bit on edge, which heightens excitement for ‘em (a sense of danger or threat, always does). These are the adrenaline junkies of the world.
Adrenaline-addicted humans make choices and decisions that ultimately create struggle and strife for them. The sad fact is, they’ve never sought help to dismantle their addiction, so all the setbacks, crises, disappointments and emotionally devastating outcomes they continually face, are simply par for the course. In short, they’re used to accommodating failure and accepting it as, “that’s life.”
There’s a secret payoff for people who repeatedly make poor, impulsive choices and have to suffer self-immolating consequences. They get to reinforce a self-ideation they held when very young: “I’m not good enough or lovable.” In simple terms, we get to observe this issue among men and women who seem destined to get involved over and over again, with personality disordered partners who cannot meet their intrinsic needs.
If you never had a healthy template or blueprint for what being protected, adored and cared for felt like as a child, you will either fail to recognize these characteristics in anyone who can supply them, or you’ll feel uncomfortable, annoyed or bored, if he or she sticks around. Such is the plight of attachment-avoidant people.
Some people have acclimated so well to living with a dysfunctional, stressed and unwholesome identity, they’re afraid to surrender it. This is the primary reason many Borderlines refuse to work at getting well and changing: “If I’m NOT a compilation of all these aberrant, self-sabotaging traits anymore, who the fuck will I be?!”
It’s worthy question. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Human reconstruction and metamorphosis are gradual and intricate growth processes that takes time. Not decades of time, but a healthy span of time is required. Change (in almost any arena) must be gradual, or humans feel destabilized to the extent they cannot endure it. Given that people with BPD traits have no center of gravity or emotional stability to begin with, you might imagine what a daunting and terrifying prospect real growth and healing represents to them.
I’ve never made claims that I can help everyone who seeks me out, because I am well aware of my limitations, and it simply isn’t true. I can only help those who want to become whole and well, more than they’ve ever wanted anything else. Some have reached the bottom rung of their ladder, and UP seems the only viable option to ‘em.
Many still think that if they read enough self-help books, they’ll eventually get where they wanna go, yet what about the decades of life that pass in-between? It’s often hard convincing these folks that they’ll fail to reach the level of contentment and “happiness” they fantasized about during childhood, until they’re willing to rebuild their foundation, because it’s from there, all the ‘symptoms’ in their life have emanated.
In short, if you think you can build your castles or mansions atop eroding sand, perhaps you should think again. Existential crisis is merely about finally getting all the things we’ve always wanted (boats, cars, homes, planes, a baby, etc.), and still feeling empty, dissatisfied and unhappy.