A high degree of covert Narcissism typically exists within the Codependent Personality. A Codependent routinely needs to be needed, in order to bolster their flailing sense of worth, and reinforce to themselves and others that they have value.
Our world is full of self-proclaimed “Spiritual Gurus” who depend on the gullibility and naivete of others, while spreading messages that are as far from being accurate or even rational, as they can possibly be! The upshot is, too many people who are struggling to find their way, heal and grow, fall into the trap of believing they have serious deficits based on statements made by emotionally imbalanced individuals.
A big part of Narcissism is needing others to think, behave and believe as We do. It’s basically asserting, MY way is the ONLY way, and you should comply (don’t even get me started on the state of America right now, due to an overwhelmingly toxic level of NARCISSISM that illegally imprisons people for having a difference of opinion than the feeble-minded geriatric currently residing in the White House).
I recently had a lengthy consult with a young woman in her 30’s who’s struggled a lot emotionally. Not unlike others who’ve sought my help, she has no self-worth. Various people in her life whom she’s seen as more powerful than she, have given her advice like, “you’ve gotta get out more,” “you must work on your social skills,” “you have to …” and on and on it goes, because her historical depression and anxiety have apparently been uncomfortable for THEM to accommodate.
Most of us grew up with parental units who never made room for our darker emotions, so we naturally grew up thinking we were wrong for feeling or expressing them, and have been shaming ourselves ever since, whenever they’ve gotten a chance to surface. So now as adults, those we think of as having some degree of expertise, tell us our feelings and/or behaviors are unacceptable or bad, and it’s reinforcement for how we grew up viewing and relating to ourselves, as “defective!” A child’s mind is too easily programmed, for better or worse.
It’s not that the Codependent Narcissist means to hurt us, it’s that they often just can’t help themselves! It’s their compulsion. If YOU don’t bury your feelings and needs and put on a happy face~ even in the midst of great adversity like they do, you’ll be criticized, guilted or shamed. Whatever feeling states the Narcissist can’t or won’t accommodate withIn themselves, they will flatly reject in You! (Think your husband or wife has personality disorder traits?? If you’re sticking around, think about taking a deeper, more comprehensive look into You.)
When we are the the target du jour for the Coda Narcissist whenever they feel the need for a self-empowerment booster, we’re beaten down even deeper until it feels completely unsafe for us to interact at all with others! We tend to emotionally hibernate, and go to ground. We become reclusive~ and that’s actually the safest, most comforting place for us to be! Those who struggle with social anxiety issues have intimate knowledge of this.
While Narcissists can access feelings of sympathy for another who’s hurting, capacity for empathy has completely eluded them. When one has long divorced/dissociated from his/her own pain, there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell they’re gonna be able to identify with and relate to Yours!
The truth is, Codependents are hyper-controlling. Their seduction game depends on having you think of ‘em as a “good person,” while they attempt to rescue you from your financial or relationship woes. They’ll even give their ‘supportive’ two cents to total strangers on social media, when they think their advice or guidance will make any fucking difference to another~ Borderline Personality Disordered Victim-types or not! (Who else airs their dirty laundry and whines about their relationship struggles on the Web?!)
The Codependent Narcissist is frequently mired in his/her own troubled marriage or conflicts with their children, but the delightful, short-lived distraction of “helping” you temporarily gives ‘em respite from having to deal with their own shit-filled swamp! Narcissism is profound among people with Codependent pathology, but they hide it under mountains of compulsive, “well-meaning” anecdotes and behaviors.
It’s nobody’s fucking right to try and change WHO you are~ unless you’re paying ‘em for their time and expertise to help you reach a peaceful place of radical self-acceptance! Precious few psychotherapists, gurus, teachers or clergymen have ever accomplished this for themselves, so beware of people talking the talk, who have zero clue about how to actually WALK it.
I’ve had many clients who’ve grown up with no sense of belonging. They literally wondered all thru childhood if they were adopted, or had the misfortune as an alien from another planet, to land with the ‘family’ they did. It’s the child who DOES NOT go along to get along, that’s typically the brightest and healthiest member of a family unit… and yet, this is the kid who’s dragged off to a therapist’s office, to be ‘fixed.’
It literally breaks my heart to encounter so many who think something’s terribly wrong with them, because they never felt a sense of fitting-in with other members of their family (or society)! These are actually the more sentient, rational folks inhabiting our planet~ they just haven’t been able to recognize it yet. If you can just help ‘em realize that they came into this world with a higher order of thinking than their siblings or parents, and that the company of most others will bore the crap out of ‘em, they can, with a little help, heal and grow genuine self-esteem!
When my clients reach a point in their emotional development where they actually prefer their own company to most others, it’s a magnificent breakthrough! They’ve learned to STOP shaming, guilting and criticizing themselves, and have developed considerably beyond their peers. They can be with themselves when alone, and not have it turn into the abusive, fault-finding mission that had previously existed for ‘em 24/7.
There’s enormous pleasure to be had in helping someone discard the distorted, dysfunctional identity they’ve schlepped around for a lifetime, and become a self-respecting, self-admiring, emotionally whole and contented adult! WAHOOOO!
Bottom line, you must be extremely cautious and skeptical when reading or hearing gobbledegook from supposed “experts” on most topics these days, ‘cause that stuff can really lead you dangerously astray.
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