Abusive, neglectful ageing parents, and the adult child's compulsion to model "right behavior."

Don't let this be the bane of YOUR existence!

Perhaps many of us grew up with, “do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.” I hate to say it, but we don’t always get back what we give… in fact, if you ask someone with entrenched codependent traits how often they’ve received reciprocation from others (and they’re honest with ya), they’ll tell ya they usually get back the stick end of the lollipop! A pathologically Codependent friend frequently used to exclaim, “no good deed goes unpunished!” and he wasn’t exaggerating.

So, what makes people keep giving, when they get little or nothing in return? It’s not terribly long ago, I figured out what “virtue signalling” meant. I’ve always steered away from mainstream and psychological catchphrases in general. I’ve shunned anything that comes even close to resembling psycho-babble, because if everyone else is spouting it, a rebellious, individualistic streak in me refuses to, so it took me awhile to decipher this one. An old friend one day stated, “Schreiber, you’re the most unconventional person I’ve ever known” I embraced it as a compliment.

Most of the world’s population lacks authentic self-worth. Those who possess it, feel no need to compensate for this deficit by over-giving to others. People pleasers, fixers, rescuers and the like, feel a deep, insatiable need to take care of others in ways they were never (as infants and young children) cared for, but what perpetuates this indomitable reflex in humans?

One derives vicarious satisfaction thru acts of giving (to others) what they’ve never been able to receive. “At least somebody is benefitting (even if I can’t)” remains the subconscious theme that initiates and perpetuates one’s super-giving behaviors. I’ve seen this issue play out countless times among my clients. The worst of it, is when the adult child bends over backwards to aid, help, please and take care of a parent far better than they themselves, were ever attended to or cared for during their entire lifetime. In my view, this is masochistic.

But what spawns this need in some people to take exceptional care of their irrassible, stubborn, abusive, obnoxious, self-destructive parental unit(s)~ and why do they keep giving even more, when literally none of their generous and kind gestures are appreciated?! Might they guilt or shame themselves, if they fail to do so?

Why does it seem critically important to model right behavior to a parent who has no capacity to express love, or learn how to? Might it feel gratifying to convince oneself they’ve far surpassed the parent’s ability to provide nurturance? What’s the Ego payoff in that, and is the prize one derives from these actions worth the price one pays for ‘em? Does one ever explore within, what drives these compulsions and keeps them alive? Does he or she even dare??

Just what IS the ‘virtue payoff’ exactly, for the one who relentlessly keeps giving of their time, energy, herculean levels of patience and care to a senior parent? For whom are they really doing all this giving? Living with a sense of obligation is an unwelcome, even torturous aspect of being human. Most of us do our best to steer away from obligatory tasks, perhaps due to latent adolescent rebellion (I can personally attest to this). There are a few things we believe we have to do of course (like paying income tax), but there’s a lot we actually don’t!

It’s critical to realize that when we’re raised with love, patience, understanding and affection, we’ll go to the ends of the earth to respond to the needs of our parent. It’s automatic and reflexive in us to do so. There is no reluctance, no resentment, and no sense of obligatory burden. We give without hesitation, due to the unshakable bond of love forged between us that’s remained constant, since we were newborns.

I’ve consistently posed a question to clients who’re trapped in a cycle of self-abuse while caring for an ageing parent who makes it difficult, unpleasant and often downright impossible to extend genuine kindness to ‘em. I ask them to picture what they think would happen if they got hit by a bus tomorrow, and were no longer around to care for their parental tormentor. Do ya think your dad or mom would figure out how to survive without you?? I ask. Their answer is invariably the same: “Yes.”

Caregiver personalities were programmed as children to put their own needs aside, to respond to everyone else’s. They were literally groomed for this compulsive behavior by adults who were underdeveloped emotionally, and largely incompetent. A parent’s capacity for logical, practical, rational thinking was substantially compromised. They lacked essential skills to effectively run a household~ or give their child the adoration and support he needs to grow up emotionally sturdy and confident. Sad, but true.

Under these conditions, the young child is essentially forced to become the grownup in the home. He becomes the mediator between his parents when they’re fighting, he looks out for and takes care of his younger siblings and their needs, and often takes over household tasks like cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. Somebody has to do it, and he readily accepts this role, because how else might he develop any sense of importance, value or empowerment?

The trouble is, he never outgrows the need to constantly refuel his inner child’s sense of duty and irreplaceability. In his mind, virtually nobody else can do what he does! He views himself as invaluable (and passionately hopes everyone else does too). “Others will surely perish” without his assistance~ and who’d willingly sign up for that kinda guilt?!

As a much younger woman, my girlfriends looked at me like I had two heads when I expressed no interest in ever having a child. “Who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old?!” they’d shriek. Their narcissism left me feeling incredulous~ as if I’d suddenly landed on another planet and was surrounded by aliens. There was no need to explain myself. They’d have never understood anyway, because these were children navigating life in adult-sized bodies.

Why cast pearls before swine, was my thinking at the time. Many years later, I recognized distinct features of Borderline Personality Disorder in these gals, and the pieces of that particularly odd puzzle snapped right into place.

I’m a very kind and generous soul unless ya cross me, and then you’d better be looking over your shoulder, ‘cause something bad’s gonna happen to ya. I used to be a compulsive giver, but broke myself of that nasty habit. I write about my personal experience with this issue, the basis for it having gotten fostered in me as a little kid, and how I recognized and dismantled my compulsion to keep inviting wounded birds into my cage. It’s all encapsulated in my book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

A huge part of outgrowing my need to be needed, was developing genuine, unshakable self-worth, and determining never again to engage in non-reciprocal relationships. There’s literally no payoff in it. It doesn’t reserve you a special seat in Heaven, it doesn’t make you a “good person,” and it doesn’t win you real friends. You can however, count on getting your Ego temporarily refueled and bolstered, if ya can find people needy enough to let you do your thing. But can you ever balance a relationship’s playing field and interact with a genuine equal? And do ya actually want to~ or are ya far more comfortable, always being in the one-up position with others?

At the baseline of Narcissism, is deep insecurity. Narcissists act-out in grandiose ways to compensate for an innate sense of inadequacy. Their bravado is a defense or smokescreen if you will, for sensing their lack of worth and lovability, in childhood.

The fabled “Narcissus” did not see an accurate reflection of himself in that body of water. What he “saw” was a fantasized about, idealized and desperately wished-for image of himself. Just like the Borderline, he needs to be perceived as perfect, and devoid of any weakness or shortcomings.

If you hold a mirror up to a Narcissist and reflect back to him his deficits or imperfections, he will swiftly amputate you out of his life like a limb he no longer deems useful, regardless of how intrinsically valuable your relationship bond has previously been to him. In short, it’s a wound to his narcissism. For this type of individual, you are perceived as their appendage~ not a separate, fully-functioning, autonomous being with desires, needs and perspectives of your own.

And wasn’t this personality aspect acutely demonstrated (and damaging to some of us) during the Covid lockdowns?? Bottom line, you do not have to maintain this role of indentured servant for your parent! They set up their life the way they’ve needed it to be, for better or worse. Every decision they’ve made lifelong, has moved them closer to their present outcome. Maybe it’s time for YOU to determine how you want your life to be. While it may initially feel a bit uncomfortable, it’s never too late to do what’s right for you!

Incidentally, the one who needs the least in any relationship dynamic, is the one who’s always in the power seat. Genuinely confident, powerful people seek the company of others like themselves. They never prey on the weak and needy, nor do they need to be needed. Let that sink in.