Omg. You described my relationship with my mother to a T. I was groomed to be her caretaker, her parent, her servant. She is literally comfortable with visiting me when I am sick and getting me to get out of bed to wait on her, bringing her food and drinks and blankets which she receives imperiously.
And I have been brainwashed into complying with this treatment. Until recently when I joined Codependents Anonymous, I had no life skills to deal with it. My answer was to move away as far as I could, to create some kind of boundary.
Now I live in the same town as my narcissist mother, I struggle to cope. I have inner pain almost every day. I’m slowly learning self care and self love but I coming from a long way back. I envy people who grew up with the adoration and security you write about; people who don’t have suffer to get through the day.
Thank you so much for writing about this. It’s a very salient topic. I will look for your book.
Sorry for your fate. 99% of my clients have move clear across the country (or even out of it) to escape the enmeshed, toxic grasp of their mothers. I recommend the same for you. Coda isn’t as effective as people hope it will be, and neither are myriad other 12-step venues. It’s essentially the blind leading the blind. You’ve gotta be willing to do the work of growing genuine self-worth, which is not offered nor achieved in psychotherapy. I can help directly, if you ever decide you wanna climb outta this hole in the road you’re in. You deserve a far more rewarding life… but convincing you of this will require some highly specialized intervention and care.
Sure! My international clients call me directly, or we can use the Facebook phone app, which costs nothing for the call. I’ve worked with half a dozen Aussies. :~) 626 676-6239 Let’s talk.
So interesting! Is it a generational thing, though?
I am a 64 yo woman, and ALL my female friends have found, as you say: 'The worst of it, is when the adult child bends over backwards to aid, help, please and take care of a parent far better than they themselves, were ever attended to or cared for during their entire lifetime.'
All our parents were born (well) before WWII. Most have now died. But in every case their daughters have gone to the ends of the earth to be there and support parents, often making themselves ill to do it, without any understanding from those parents of what it has cost them.
I would venture to suggest that the parents were born in a time when sacrifice was common, and have therefore expected it.
I don't think you would find the same now, with people in their 40s looking after their parents. There is more of an acceptance that the carer needs care, too.
I'm sad for my friends; they have all been short-changed, coming from households where parents made some very poor choices, and their children (and particularly daughters) paid for it.
Thanks so much for your comments! This situation’s actually gotten a lot worse, and it’s not a generational/wartime thing. BPD and NPD traits are overwhelmingly common today, so adult kids of all ages are being emotionally manipulated by their parents (particularly mother). It’s the narcissism (lack of empathy) in people who have no tender regard for their child’s inner experiences or struggles. Jewish mothers tend to be some of the worst in this regard (not all, but many) in that they are masterful in the art of guilting their kids. So no, this torment for adult children has not abated in the least, and many can’t even muster the courage they need to tell their moms they won’t be flying home for holiday dinner!
I was lucky. When I’d apologize to my mother for not calling sooner or more often, she’d say, “It’s okay, dolly (a pet name she used when I was young)… I know how busy your life is,” and she was sincere! My mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 7… but by the grace of God, she wasn’t a Borderline! Never cruel, never critical, never shaming nor guilting.
I'm glad you didn't experience it. Your mum sounds lovely.
I live amongst Jewish people; the ladies particularly are long lived and demanding, but the families seem very close. Even if Dad is the head of the household, I'm guessing the whole setup is a matriarchy because these ladies are decided, wilful and incredibly strong characters. Possibly because I'm not a Jewish daughter, I love them!
Ummm…. I see it as a false sense of entitlement, bourne out of being raised as a “Princess,” and being influenced to think of men/fathers primarily as providers. I’ve been sickened by it for many years. :~(
Ummm…. I see it as a false sense of entitlement, bourne out of being raised as a “Princess,” and influenced to think of men/fathers primarily as ‘providers.’ I’ve been troubled by this for many years. :~(
I think it’s a good thing that you can love them from afar and you’re not blood related, but I’m truly not wanting to rain on your parade. My sense is, you may for some time have wanted/needed a powerful feminine role model (nothing wrong with this) in contrast to what you might have witnessed and experienced as a child.
Sometimes, a parent or older sibling provides a perfect example of who we never wanna grow up to be, and we get to break free from the mold they were formed with.
I think it's the chutzpah in general - very confident ladies.
There was nothing amiss with my mother - very strong, bought 4 of us up to be good workers without much input from our waywardv, absentee father, but she was quiet and not showy. Just a contrast, that's all.
As you are no doubt aware, some people who class themselves as "friends " are what I call "one
way streets ". That sums it up for me.
However, one can be rewarded sometimes unexpectedly. Being kind to a complete stranger often enables brief communication with another person of the same species as myself. It's like standing before a work of art that reveals a truth. Empathy is a rarity but when it is found it is greatly appreciated. Communication between people is rare but when it happens it is greatly
appreciated.
Thank you for your thoughts in your article. I am grateful to you.
Dear Shari,
Omg. You described my relationship with my mother to a T. I was groomed to be her caretaker, her parent, her servant. She is literally comfortable with visiting me when I am sick and getting me to get out of bed to wait on her, bringing her food and drinks and blankets which she receives imperiously.
And I have been brainwashed into complying with this treatment. Until recently when I joined Codependents Anonymous, I had no life skills to deal with it. My answer was to move away as far as I could, to create some kind of boundary.
Now I live in the same town as my narcissist mother, I struggle to cope. I have inner pain almost every day. I’m slowly learning self care and self love but I coming from a long way back. I envy people who grew up with the adoration and security you write about; people who don’t have suffer to get through the day.
Thank you so much for writing about this. It’s a very salient topic. I will look for your book.
Blessings from Australia
Sorry for your fate. 99% of my clients have move clear across the country (or even out of it) to escape the enmeshed, toxic grasp of their mothers. I recommend the same for you. Coda isn’t as effective as people hope it will be, and neither are myriad other 12-step venues. It’s essentially the blind leading the blind. You’ve gotta be willing to do the work of growing genuine self-worth, which is not offered nor achieved in psychotherapy. I can help directly, if you ever decide you wanna climb outta this hole in the road you’re in. You deserve a far more rewarding life… but convincing you of this will require some highly specialized intervention and care.
I’m very interested in seeing if I could work with Shari. I’m in Australia so is it possible from here?
Sure! My international clients call me directly, or we can use the Facebook phone app, which costs nothing for the call. I’ve worked with half a dozen Aussies. :~) 626 676-6239 Let’s talk.
Great. I’ll connect with you on WhatsApp.
Kind wishes.
I’m not on that app, dear. Sorry!
I’ll use the facebook phone then
Is your name the same on facebook?
Awesome article. As always
THANKS, JOSHUA!
Once again, both rare and well done!
Bold, Bright And Beautiful Shari!
THANK YOU!
So interesting! Is it a generational thing, though?
I am a 64 yo woman, and ALL my female friends have found, as you say: 'The worst of it, is when the adult child bends over backwards to aid, help, please and take care of a parent far better than they themselves, were ever attended to or cared for during their entire lifetime.'
All our parents were born (well) before WWII. Most have now died. But in every case their daughters have gone to the ends of the earth to be there and support parents, often making themselves ill to do it, without any understanding from those parents of what it has cost them.
I would venture to suggest that the parents were born in a time when sacrifice was common, and have therefore expected it.
I don't think you would find the same now, with people in their 40s looking after their parents. There is more of an acceptance that the carer needs care, too.
I'm sad for my friends; they have all been short-changed, coming from households where parents made some very poor choices, and their children (and particularly daughters) paid for it.
Thanks so much for your comments! This situation’s actually gotten a lot worse, and it’s not a generational/wartime thing. BPD and NPD traits are overwhelmingly common today, so adult kids of all ages are being emotionally manipulated by their parents (particularly mother). It’s the narcissism (lack of empathy) in people who have no tender regard for their child’s inner experiences or struggles. Jewish mothers tend to be some of the worst in this regard (not all, but many) in that they are masterful in the art of guilting their kids. So no, this torment for adult children has not abated in the least, and many can’t even muster the courage they need to tell their moms they won’t be flying home for holiday dinner!
I was lucky. When I’d apologize to my mother for not calling sooner or more often, she’d say, “It’s okay, dolly (a pet name she used when I was young)… I know how busy your life is,” and she was sincere! My mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 7… but by the grace of God, she wasn’t a Borderline! Never cruel, never critical, never shaming nor guilting.
I'm glad you didn't experience it. Your mum sounds lovely.
I live amongst Jewish people; the ladies particularly are long lived and demanding, but the families seem very close. Even if Dad is the head of the household, I'm guessing the whole setup is a matriarchy because these ladies are decided, wilful and incredibly strong characters. Possibly because I'm not a Jewish daughter, I love them!
For me, there's a huge difference between strength and dominance. Just sayin.
Ummm…. I see it as a false sense of entitlement, bourne out of being raised as a “Princess,” and being influenced to think of men/fathers primarily as providers. I’ve been sickened by it for many years. :~(
My experience has of course been limited. Perhaps 'good in small doses' covers it?
Ummm…. I see it as a false sense of entitlement, bourne out of being raised as a “Princess,” and influenced to think of men/fathers primarily as ‘providers.’ I’ve been troubled by this for many years. :~(
I think it’s a good thing that you can love them from afar and you’re not blood related, but I’m truly not wanting to rain on your parade. My sense is, you may for some time have wanted/needed a powerful feminine role model (nothing wrong with this) in contrast to what you might have witnessed and experienced as a child.
Sometimes, a parent or older sibling provides a perfect example of who we never wanna grow up to be, and we get to break free from the mold they were formed with.
I think it's the chutzpah in general - very confident ladies.
There was nothing amiss with my mother - very strong, bought 4 of us up to be good workers without much input from our waywardv, absentee father, but she was quiet and not showy. Just a contrast, that's all.
I'm very like her, and happy to be so.
As you are no doubt aware, some people who class themselves as "friends " are what I call "one
way streets ". That sums it up for me.
However, one can be rewarded sometimes unexpectedly. Being kind to a complete stranger often enables brief communication with another person of the same species as myself. It's like standing before a work of art that reveals a truth. Empathy is a rarity but when it is found it is greatly appreciated. Communication between people is rare but when it happens it is greatly
appreciated.
Thank you for your thoughts in your article. I am grateful to you.