Can you hear and accept the truth? Or do ya ONLY let-in what feels comfortable for you?

My dear father once said to me as a teen: “Sometimes ya gotta hit a man between the eyes with a 2 × 4, JUST to get his attention.” He was a carpenter, so perhaps the metaphor was a snug fit.

Many people resist coming outta the ether, until you are direct and straightforward with ‘em. They hear only what they wanna hear. This is especially true (in my experience) with folks who have BPD traits. Selective memory is a common Borderline trait. It’s often the reason you find yourself repeating the same vital message over and over again with someone who seems to have not heard you the first 30 times you said it. This isn’t on You. This is the Borderline’s childlike mind that not only blocks-out what they don’t wish to hear, they won’t retain or integrate it.

I am by nature, a kind, generous soul~ but if I’m sensing I can’t get through to ya in context of deterring you from making self-defeating choices, some ‘tough love’ is gonna be coming your way. Borderlines are basically young children trying to navigate life effectively, in adult-sized bodies. They are survival oriented, and only seek help when they’re in crisis. You might say, they’re crisis-motivated. They have poor impulse control, no sense of healthy boundaries, and no empathy (not to be confused with sympathy). No human can survive and thrive at the same time. The two emotional ‘energies’ are completely disparate.

I’ve had a therapist or two in my practice (more like, over a couple dozen), who react to direct communication as “harshness,” regardless of how soft or gentle my vocal tone delivery. Most psychotherapists have BPD and Codependency features (and each personality is narcissistic). They have a hard time staying engaged with with anyone who isn’t willing to walk on eggshells with ‘em, and waste endless hours, days or weeks beating around the bush about a concern or issue, in hopes they will (finally) connect the dots, and see how they’re undermining themselves.

I do not believe in long-term care, and I’m not in the Babysitting Business. If ya can’t handle the truth about how you routinely self-sabotage, and develop the willingness to risk altering behaviors that do not serve nor enhance your life, then I don’t wanna waste my time, expertise or energy on ya.

Borderlines need everyone in their interpersonal and professional sphere to handle ‘em with kid gloves. That’s not gonna happen here~ because I’m not invested in keeping a client around indefinitely. That would be unethical, self-serving, and just plain horseshit.

In my book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? I wrote about a former friend and colleague. I adored this woman~ and in fact, dedicated my book to her. My friend was pathologically Codependent, and took people’s pain home with her each night. She kept her clients in treatment for decades, which is why I eventually lost respect for her~ and once my respect for you is gone, I can no longer love ya.

At some point during our 13 year friendship, I realized that her client base had become her surrogate family~ the one she could finally, ultimately control (her childhood was dreadful). Was she empathic? Yes, overly so. It seemed she couldn’t resist climbing into the painful holes her clients found themselves trapped in.

Empathy is a crucially important, vital and marvelous emotion. It is defined by our ability to identify with and relate to another’s struggles, perspectives and pain (not just feel sorry for them). But if we’re not centered, grounded and self-empowered enough to stand on terra-firma and pull (sometimes, forcibly yank) a client OUT of the hole they’re struggling in, how effective can we actually be?

Early in my career as an MFT intern, I naively believed that if I was nurturing and tender enough with my clients (many of whom were suicidally depressed) I could help them heal. My sense was that if I could be a good enough surrogate mommy, they’d recover from their malaise, and be able to go forth and create gratifying, rewarding lives for themselves.

I was wrong. While these clients surely improved, oftentimes with the aid of a bit of pharmaceutical intervention, they didn’t cross the bridge into real Wellness, which forced me to check-in with my methodology and approach. I determined that while it wasn’t a bad thing to be gentle with these core damaged folks, they needed something more and different, to permanently turn their lives around.

I reasoned that unless I wanted to keep them dependent on me indefinitely (which has always been fundamentally against my principles), I had to teach them how to use the same ‘power tools’ I’d invented for myself many years prior. There’s a mere handful of these, and if they didn’t work to reverse all the faulty programming we got as kids that left us hating and sabotaging ourselves, I would never have kept imparting them to people who appear hell-bent on self-destruction.

My dad’s words of wisdom routinely echo for me. He wasn’t what you’d call an intellectually sophisticated man (that was my mother’s domain), but he was street-smart and wise. The little ditties he shared with me, have been beacons of brilliant guidance that have saved me from having to encounter innumerable train-wrecks in this lifetime, as well as a lot of heartache.

Daddy was matter-of-fact when he shared his truths about life and love, and this apple has fallen directly under that strong, sturdy tree. I find myself quoting my father’s words so frequently, it quite amazes me. Why not? If you’re lucky enough to have had a parent who shared their life-wisdom, aren’t you ahead of the game? Don’t you have even a slight advantage over folks who’re shooting in the dark, hoping to hit the bullseye?

An old, former lover stressed the value of learning from other people’s mistakes. “OPM” he’d often utter at what seemed opportune moments. This stuck with me too~ which is no doubt, largely why I never married. I never observed happy marriages as a child, teen or younger woman. I was wise enough to know I wouldn’t be the exception.

My parents divorced when I was five~ and the bottom of my world dropped out from under me. My dad had been the sole source of my affectional supplies, and neither my mother nor older sister were equipped to fill that void. I made up my mind at an early age to avert having to ever go through an ugly, gruelling divorce. The only way to actually ensure that, was to never marry. Problem solved!

I will never pull punches with you. I will always be authentic, and share with you my truth (whatever it is)~ and if ya can’t handle it, maybe it wasn’t meant to enlighten you (at least, in this lifetime). But if it moves the needle a little for ya, if it broadens your way of thinking about life and love, if it somehow educates you a bit and helps you make smarter or healthier choices, then I make no apologies for myself, even when it ruffles your feathers.

WHY? Because if nobody has the stones to give you a wake-up call, nothing in your world will ever change. You’ll keep circling the drain indefinitely. There will be crisis after crisis (often self-created by poor choices). You’ll fervently wish for “happiness” that will not be attainable, because you’re still working off a faulty blueprint from childhood that you’ve accepted and adapted to (regardless of how pain-producing it gets), as “normal.”

Consider this your 2 x 4. BAM!