Contrary to popular belief, Borderlines do NOT fear abandonment!
Borderlines do not fear abandonment. If they DID, they wouldn't constantly distance and push you away!
Borderlines fear ATTACHMENT. When we bond with another, we NEED them emotionally~ which is why loss of that person feels like an amputation, or like our heart is being ripped out of our chest.
Needing someone emotionally feels threatening to someone with BPD traits. It represents a loss of Self, selfhood or independence. It means they cannot survive without you~ so why take the risk of getting close?
Someone CAPABLE of attaching, doesn't date players or people who are emotionally ambivalent or who can't commit emotionally to one individual. Genuine attachment takes courage, because we invest ourselves emotionally, which is always a risk.
The Borderline personality must always search for faults or flaws or shortcomings in their partner, to avoid having to "love them too much." This diffuses the emotional risk they take in relationships.
Think of a car that's had a governor put on its engine to keep it from going over a certain speed (say, 60mph). It's the same with a Borderline. They can only get close to you up to a point, and then an 'internal governor' prevents them from deepening their bond with you.
Borderlines 'control' their emotional investment regarding their own children, as well.
I'm an all in kinda dame. When I love, it's deeply and passionately. Great caution is always exercised therefore, before I give my heart to someone for safe-keeping. This also means, if someone dies on me, I'll feel devastating depression for quite some time.
I have the ego strength and sense of Self to carry that burden. Do YOU??
Hi Shari.
Thank you for sharing this topic of discussion.
As I (Male - 51) continue to heal and rebuild myself after experiencing 20 year marriage to a unknowingly (Female - 51) who was clinically diagnosed with Cluster B - BPD - PTSD - Covert / Malignant NPD - DID - ASPD - MPD - Substance Abuse and Addiction - Sex Abuse and Addiction...I have been educating myself on all that above mess. I experienced complete emotional, mental, verbal, physical, and financial abuse and destruction.
Although I am primarily focusing on self and not in a tunnel vision mindset of directing blame because I am conscious and aware enough to realize that it takes two. I was simply naive and ignorant to personality and mental disorders and this has been an eye and mind opening experience to say the very least.
You are one of the very first content creators I came across a few weeks after experiencing the devaluation, triangulation, and discard from my wife on 5.26.2021. I find you to be the most interesting individual on this subject matter and am very thankful to have found you on the internet. Your work and contributions to this subject matter on BPD and NPD has been very enlightening. Please know how much you are appreciated.
A few weeks ago a question formed after taking a short break from my research to evaluate and let simmer. My question is: “What is at the core of the BPD & NPD pain out of these five?”
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Shame
3. Guilt
4. Resentment
5. Envy
There can be only one and support your reason.
As I sent this question out into the internet ether I received rather quick responses from individual gurus ranging from “therapists” to “life coaches” where it was either overwhelmingly #1. Fear of abandonment or #2. Shame
The first batch of respondents said fear of abandonment. I disagree primarily because of the attachment issue. The BPD & NPD disorder does not allow for a healthy attachment or detachment from a supply because of the lack or self real or imagined. In addition, with the approach-avoidance and the constant push and pull compounded by the daily dose of drama and chaos...well, this just seems to me to be equivalent as a person standing on their head in a corner trying to stack BB’s while wearing boxing gloves covered in baby oil! It is my opinion that all human beings have a fear of abandonment with variations of degrees, but no one is immune from that kind of emotional and mental challenge.
The second batch of respondents said shame. I’m not sure if I fully agree with this either because shame is the affect from the cause thanks to the parental guardians and the environment in which the child was conditioned.
My thoughts, at this time in my educational journey, are #5 Envy. My reasoning for this is due to the BPD & NPD addiction for attention, admiration, and affection. The lack of self they have inside them is the envy which drives them to be seen, wanted, and desired.
It is still a work in progress and I appreciate your patience and understanding in entertaining my late night babbling.
Have a blessed night.
Respectfully,
CER