Borderlines do not fear abandonment. If they DID, they wouldn't constantly distance and push you away! Borderlines fear ATTACHMENT. When we bond with another, we NEED them emotionally~ which is why loss of that person feels like an amputation, or like our heart is being ripped out of our chest.
As I (Male - 51) continue to heal and rebuild myself after experiencing 20 year marriage to a unknowingly (Female - 51) who was clinically diagnosed with Cluster B - BPD - PTSD - Covert / Malignant NPD - DID - ASPD - MPD - Substance Abuse and Addiction - Sex Abuse and Addiction...I have been educating myself on all that above mess. I experienced complete emotional, mental, verbal, physical, and financial abuse and destruction.
Although I am primarily focusing on self and not in a tunnel vision mindset of directing blame because I am conscious and aware enough to realize that it takes two. I was simply naive and ignorant to personality and mental disorders and this has been an eye and mind opening experience to say the very least.
You are one of the very first content creators I came across a few weeks after experiencing the devaluation, triangulation, and discard from my wife on 5.26.2021. I find you to be the most interesting individual on this subject matter and am very thankful to have found you on the internet. Your work and contributions to this subject matter on BPD and NPD has been very enlightening. Please know how much you are appreciated.
A few weeks ago a question formed after taking a short break from my research to evaluate and let simmer. My question is: “What is at the core of the BPD & NPD pain out of these five?”
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Shame
3. Guilt
4. Resentment
5. Envy
There can be only one and support your reason.
As I sent this question out into the internet ether I received rather quick responses from individual gurus ranging from “therapists” to “life coaches” where it was either overwhelmingly #1. Fear of abandonment or #2. Shame
The first batch of respondents said fear of abandonment. I disagree primarily because of the attachment issue. The BPD & NPD disorder does not allow for a healthy attachment or detachment from a supply because of the lack or self real or imagined. In addition, with the approach-avoidance and the constant push and pull compounded by the daily dose of drama and chaos...well, this just seems to me to be equivalent as a person standing on their head in a corner trying to stack BB’s while wearing boxing gloves covered in baby oil! It is my opinion that all human beings have a fear of abandonment with variations of degrees, but no one is immune from that kind of emotional and mental challenge.
The second batch of respondents said shame. I’m not sure if I fully agree with this either because shame is the affect from the cause thanks to the parental guardians and the environment in which the child was conditioned.
My thoughts, at this time in my educational journey, are #5 Envy. My reasoning for this is due to the BPD & NPD addiction for attention, admiration, and affection. The lack of self they have inside them is the envy which drives them to be seen, wanted, and desired.
It is still a work in progress and I appreciate your patience and understanding in entertaining my late night babbling.
Underlying fear of ATTACHMENT is at the core of both NPD and BPD. This is due to primal wounds of infancy, fostered by Mother. Membership to my BPD Survivor's membership (online) gives you full access to all my articles (total 25) on this topic, for a one-time entry fee of only $9.99. My sense is, you'll also understand far more about core trauma issues that catalyze these types of couplings in my book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? IF you buy the BPD Survivor membership, make sure you read and ingest my article, "HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?" to get far more acquainted with yourself, and gain important insights into your marital relationship. (And you're welcome.) https://www.ShariSchreiber.com
Hi Shari.
Thank you for sharing this topic of discussion.
As I (Male - 51) continue to heal and rebuild myself after experiencing 20 year marriage to a unknowingly (Female - 51) who was clinically diagnosed with Cluster B - BPD - PTSD - Covert / Malignant NPD - DID - ASPD - MPD - Substance Abuse and Addiction - Sex Abuse and Addiction...I have been educating myself on all that above mess. I experienced complete emotional, mental, verbal, physical, and financial abuse and destruction.
Although I am primarily focusing on self and not in a tunnel vision mindset of directing blame because I am conscious and aware enough to realize that it takes two. I was simply naive and ignorant to personality and mental disorders and this has been an eye and mind opening experience to say the very least.
You are one of the very first content creators I came across a few weeks after experiencing the devaluation, triangulation, and discard from my wife on 5.26.2021. I find you to be the most interesting individual on this subject matter and am very thankful to have found you on the internet. Your work and contributions to this subject matter on BPD and NPD has been very enlightening. Please know how much you are appreciated.
A few weeks ago a question formed after taking a short break from my research to evaluate and let simmer. My question is: “What is at the core of the BPD & NPD pain out of these five?”
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Shame
3. Guilt
4. Resentment
5. Envy
There can be only one and support your reason.
As I sent this question out into the internet ether I received rather quick responses from individual gurus ranging from “therapists” to “life coaches” where it was either overwhelmingly #1. Fear of abandonment or #2. Shame
The first batch of respondents said fear of abandonment. I disagree primarily because of the attachment issue. The BPD & NPD disorder does not allow for a healthy attachment or detachment from a supply because of the lack or self real or imagined. In addition, with the approach-avoidance and the constant push and pull compounded by the daily dose of drama and chaos...well, this just seems to me to be equivalent as a person standing on their head in a corner trying to stack BB’s while wearing boxing gloves covered in baby oil! It is my opinion that all human beings have a fear of abandonment with variations of degrees, but no one is immune from that kind of emotional and mental challenge.
The second batch of respondents said shame. I’m not sure if I fully agree with this either because shame is the affect from the cause thanks to the parental guardians and the environment in which the child was conditioned.
My thoughts, at this time in my educational journey, are #5 Envy. My reasoning for this is due to the BPD & NPD addiction for attention, admiration, and affection. The lack of self they have inside them is the envy which drives them to be seen, wanted, and desired.
It is still a work in progress and I appreciate your patience and understanding in entertaining my late night babbling.
Have a blessed night.
Respectfully,
CER
Underlying fear of ATTACHMENT is at the core of both NPD and BPD. This is due to primal wounds of infancy, fostered by Mother. Membership to my BPD Survivor's membership (online) gives you full access to all my articles (total 25) on this topic, for a one-time entry fee of only $9.99. My sense is, you'll also understand far more about core trauma issues that catalyze these types of couplings in my book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? IF you buy the BPD Survivor membership, make sure you read and ingest my article, "HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?" to get far more acquainted with yourself, and gain important insights into your marital relationship. (And you're welcome.) https://www.ShariSchreiber.com
Good morning! Thank you Shari. I will secure your book and membership in the next few days.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my comment. Have a blessed day and Happy New Year. Sincerely.