Dating and Mating 101
Your brain is a more reliable judge of character, than your genitals.
When coupling, it’s absolutely crucial to discuss our values, priorities, dreams, fantasies, and all things we deem important to us. Maybe not on the first few dates (that’s weird) but fairly soon, before we get too emotionally invested in each other.
Timing is everything. We can meet the perfect person for us, at an imperfect or inopportune time. One partner may be more enthusiastic about an idealized long-term plan of building a life together than the other, based on personal needs, where each sits in context of career aspirations or goals, whether either wants kids, etc.
Building a solid career always runs interference with building a family. Ya can’t do ‘em simultaneously, and hope to be successful at both. The truth is, they’re each very demanding jobs~ and the job that pays the most is the one that gets the lion’s share of our attention. In short, Family inevitably suffers.
Many young women wake up one day to the fact that they’re work-widows. It can be a lonely place for any female~ because her partner represents the hub of her wagon wheel. If he’s traveling or working a lot and she has too many hours and days by herself without him, it’s literally like a long-distance relationship that leaves one in a state of emotional longing and yearning for the next opportunity for contact.
Some think that if they don’t feel a little pain within their relationship experience, something’s wrong. Those of us who grew up routinely longing for a parent’s affection and attention, came to believe that love equals pain, and vice-versa.
Real love is never painful. One who is consistently available to us and who returns our adoration, does not evoke painful, unrequited feelings of yearning in us, because they are always within our reach. Intense cravings for someone’s touch, are not part of a healthy romantic paradigm. It usually means we grew up with a distorted sense of what “true love” is supposed to feel like.
Remember that old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? I personally don’t believe it’s true. Perhaps it’s all in how we were raised, and whether or not we got our childhood needs met for warmth, affection, positive mirroring and attention. If we did not, we almost expect our adult relationships to be emotionally frustrating, pain producing or challenging in some way~ and what’s worse, is we have a built-in higher threshold for neglect and/or abuse!
I’ve always felt it’s critically important to heal from childhood trauma (with someone who knows how to get ya there), because early emotional deficits and wounds to our heart play such a profound role in all the choices we make, and how we orchestrate our lives. If we grew up with neglect, we’re prone to normalizing this kind of experience within our adult attachments, and shrugging it off with, “that’s life.”
Why do so many of us settle for less than we really want and need? Were we programmed as infants and young children to make the best of what we had, and comfort ourselves with, “it’s not so bad… some kids have it a lot worse”?
How often do we try to convince ourselves to stay in an under-satisfying relationship, because we’re somehow convinced we’ll not be able to find someone better suited for us? Our Frame of Reference is based solely on our life experiences, thus far. If we’ve never experienced a richly rewarding and nourishing love affair, it’s impossible to believe such a thing really exists (except in fantasy), but it does.
Emotional development work alters how we view and feel about ourselves, to the extent we are at peace, happy and content within. This is not an instantaneous process, but it can happen pretty darned quick, if one is committed to growing and healing. Hanging out with Self then, takes on surprisingly nourishing, friendly, joyful characteristics. We no longer feel by ourself when we’re alone~ we are being with ourself.
Some of us are afraid to wish for what we really want, because we’re not sure we’re worthy of receiving it. I can assure ya, you are. If we can just teach you to quit being hard on yourself, you might finally discover you actually deserve all the contentment, love and success you desire~ even if your very limited Frame of Reference makes it seem hard to believe.
Great!
Beneath all your very pertinent points about forming a good relationship with the opposite sex,
I have to add one more very important and relevant fact. The whole point about having sex is about procreation and the continuation of the species. It has its roots in instinct. Instinct is
deeply rooted in motherhood. It is why mothers will instinctively do what ever is necessary for the survival of the latest offspring. e.g. At birth both mother and child communicate with each other in many ways that are not language related. When the baby is hungry it knows how to convey that feeling and the mother responds automatically. It's instinct. Similarly before having sex there is a connection between the mates with their sense of smell of the other partner. That too is evidence of instinct which is very powerful for both partners. All the nice words in the world are not as important as the right instinct. Perhaps that is the root cause why there are sometimes abortions which happen when instinct signals something is not right with the coupling.