PARENTAL 'SUPPORTIVENESS' VERSUS REAL LOVE ~ and why so many adult lives have run afoul.

I’m gonna go with, most parents mean well in context of how they raise their children. I’ve seen numerous examples of the opposite, but for the sake of brevity, we will not be exploring and exposing all that, here (at least, not today).

A few of my clients over these past few decades, grew up with a mom or dad who frequently told ‘em, “you’re terrific, and so smart! You’ll grow up to be and do anything you want!” (which is typically a maternal behavior pattern, in my experience). This idealization of one’s child is well and good, and I assume it comes from a loving, charitable place within the parent~ but it has far-reaching negative consequences for their kid.

Allow me to explain: When we grow up hearing how wonderful we are, we cannot as small children, conceive of WHY we’re repeatedly being told this! Our mother’s lavish mirroring typically has nothing to do with anything we’ve accomplished, achieved or produced. We’re expected to tacitly accept that we’re “wonderful,” without any basis for these acknowledgements or compliments.

Might this contribute to narcissism as one develops?? Very likely, so. Narcissists are insecure, just so ya know. They mask and compensate for their insecurity and sense of inadequacy with acts of bravado and grandiosity, but underneath all that, beats the heart of a child who has an impaired sense of worth.

As we continue to mature, we become aware of our deficits, and areas where we feel little or no competency or confidence (which is normal, ‘cause nobody’s good at Everything!). But given our mother routinely told us how “special,” “wonderful,” or “smart” we were, this replays automatically in our head over and over again, non-stop.

As our inner-self cannot feel like it matches or lines-up with our mom’s undaunted, pristine view of us, we experience shame for feeling inadequate or incapable of navigating life better, or achieving our goals and dreams! After all, we were constantly assured we could! Add to this, we can’t help but feel we’ve failed Mother, which exacerbates our shame.

While it’s true that kids learn how to love themselves and others, by how they were loved (or weren’t) when they were little, too much unsubstantiated “love” or kudos, cannot land in an authentic, self-realized place for a child. He will either grow to doubt his mother’s perceptions of him, or his own. This is a real-life quandary for many who think they grew up with “very supportive” parents.

Whenever I hear this phrase from a prospective client, I think: Then, why are you here?

You can tell a child all day and night long, that you “love” him or her. But these are merely words to his or her young mind that mean nothing if they’re not simultaneously accompanied by affection (hugs, kisses, holding), warm verbal responses, and adoring looks from your eyes into your child’s eyes. Hell, most adults today have zero sense of what love actually is~ it’s a totally abstract concept to ‘em, because they never got familiar with what real love feels like (experientially), during their childhood!

Far too many associate painful inner feelings of longing and yearning with the emotion of love, itself. This is all they ever got to experience while growing up with a mom who was unable or unwilling to return their adoration (excruciatingly common among guys and gals who have Borderline Personality Disorder features).

Real love is never painful, folks. It’s a nourishing, safe and secure bond between two people that can withstand an occasional separation, without one of ‘em having a meltdown over presuming the other might cheat on ‘em, or find someone “better” to love. Being able to accommodate REAL LOVE, means we are able to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that WE are good enough and fully lovable.

This is course, requires a sturdy, healthy sense of Self-worth. Have ya ever noticed that a friend of yours can’t take a compliment? This is poor self-worth. These people do not feel worthy or deserving of compliments~ or anything else nourishing or good that comes along for ‘em . . . even, love.

You can tell this friend 60 times every day, how brilliant, wonderful, talented or kind they are, and they cannot hold, ingest or integrate it. We frequently observe this phenomenon among people with Borderline Personality traits.

These children may have gotten a lot of praise as youngsters, but were never taken by the hand and patiently, lovingly taught how to do things! Their innate abilities and talents were never noticed~ much less, mirrored by anyone in their home. They may have wanted to believe their mother when she showered them with accolades (‘cause it felt good, and kids see their parents as all-knowing gods), but how could they, when those glorious kudos were never related to anything specific or evidence-based?!

It’s one thing to praise a child for building a magnificent structure with his Lego set or drawing a beautiful picture with crayons~ but quite another, when a parent’s flailing Ego feels an irrepressible need to imbue their child with what they themselves are not, and never got during their own childhood experiences.

Everyone perhaps, wants to make up for the deficits in their childhood, with their own offspring. It’s a completely understandable aspect of human nature, and I’m certain this is what often drives a woman’s desperate longing to have a baby. The danger here, is that generational over-correction is all too common~ and outcomes are not only emotionally and psychologically unfavorable, they can and often do, endure for an entire lifetime.