I use to have trouble with settling for less than I deserve and being passive or the nice guy, but I've found that I was not being real to myself and others. I decided to say what is on my heart and fight for what I want without being a jerk about it. I am not constant all the time, but it's a work in progress. It truly is liberating to not have anxiety about what people think or say. Awesome article, Shari.
We are all works in progress, dear Will. I always tell my clients, focus only on who ya WANT to be, not on who you DON'T wanna be, and baby steps'll get ya there. Thanks for being a fan, Will. I appreciate your willingness to read my posts!
As always, Shari, this was a good read. I read the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, it was recommended by a great therapist years ago when I was at a major turning point in my life. It also helped me try to understand that I couldn't fix the world, I could only change me. When you found me and commented on one of my posts about estrangement, you've been a great help making the break, I needed to make at the time. Your no nonsense articles always strike a cord.
Thank you, Monica… have you looked into My book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? It has a broader reach (I think) than Beattie’s book. More comprehensive, and illuminates the dark side of caregiver personalities (been there, done that, cured myself of it, and speak to that process in the book). I include a fair amount of autobiographical material in the book as well, along with a full expose on how we compensate for core trauma wounds (during infancy and early childhood), by becoming Super-Givers.
You can preview my book on Kindle, if interested. Main thing is, if you’ve broken yourself of this compulsive/addictive habit, you’re way ahead of most. :~)
It definitely was a process, Shari, and not an easy one. Which, you indicated yourself. I will check out your book, one can never have too many books! I was fortunate enough to have had two great therapists, several years apart, for two very different reasons, but with the same denominator. They both put things in perspective. Therapists who asked questions, like you, and made you think about your situation outside the realm of singular thinking. I was blessed they came highly recommended. The first one, Melody, and I eventually became friends. I sensed she was fighting her own battles, but it was never talked about. Ebie, was down to earth and wise, and helped me tremendously as I faced recovery during full blown PTSD. Enough of me...I will check out your book this evening. Hugs 😊
Shari - I saw you restacked a post I left so I decided to check yours out considering I don’t run across too many Schreiber’s in these parts. I like what I’m reading here and have subscribed breaking my promise to myself to reduce my Substacks. Well I guess you can never have too much of a good thing 🐸
You’ve inspired me to try being more proactive about what I’m doing in relation to others. Makes a lot of sense to aim high and shoot for the stars.
Thanks, Jeff. I felt tickled when I saw your name on SS. Thanks for subscribing! I can guarantee, ya won't be bored. I'm an acquired taste, but as one who's an educator at heart, I love teaching folks even more about life and love than they've ever been exposed to. An old friend used to say, if ya don't shoot for the moon, you'll never even reach the stars. We're not close anymore, but I think everyone who enters our life leaves behind a useful souvenir. :~)
Imagine what is possible if a large number of us were to come together, examine what we would like to see manifest, and set a course to achieve it.
When I was coming of age, I commenced on a quest for answers to so many questions I had about truth, peace, freedom and fulfillment. The only thing that’s ever made sense to me is to follow my heart. This is what is so incredible about being human. I’m currently working on a Substack to hopefully reach many people including the thousands I’ve gotten to know throughout my life to help them understand that everything that we need and want we already have if we just focus on true love and use our God given common sense.
In a time where things are so fragile and uncertain, wouldn’t it be awesome if we all started working on leaving this beautiful ball 🌎 we are living on a little bit more peaceful, a little better safer and somewhat cleaner than it was when we started our journey?
I spoke to a new friend the other day. He found it easier to anticipate the worst outcome for this election (there are only a few of us conservatives in our neighborhood, and Harris/Walz lawn signs abound).
Children feel disappointment profoundly. It’s incredibly destabilizing for them emotionally, so they grow up feeling a need to avert disappointment at all costs. One way most do this, is to anticipate and expect it… this way, we can pat ourselves on the back for our ‘brilliant’ Prophesy Fulfillment, and the pain of disappointment isn’t nearly as devastating.
For most, our childhood defense against feeling disappointment, is sadly never outgrown. Many still fear and dread it, like the plague. The upshot is, it’s easier for them to adapt to living with misery and discontent, than to hope for more and better.
I’ve encountered this issue for decades within my client base. It takes a bit of time to shift this paradigm, but with the right guidance, it can be done.
I told my friend that metaphysically speaking, that which we envision and give our focus to, is that which we CREATE and manifest. So, rather than emotionally preparing for the worst outcome, I asked him to envision the BEST political outcome (people are terrified to do this, but it’s their inner child that’s defending against feelings of devastation, when things don’t go their way)!
This is all we need to do for this upcoming election, which will either make or break our nation. We must be willing ‘risk’ feeling disappointed for a few days, rather than believing our leftover childhood feelings of devastation will be emotionally insurmountable.
Human nature is a fascinating aspect of life. It’s just tragic, so many are clueless about it (including those who work in the psychotherapeutic field).
I use to have trouble with settling for less than I deserve and being passive or the nice guy, but I've found that I was not being real to myself and others. I decided to say what is on my heart and fight for what I want without being a jerk about it. I am not constant all the time, but it's a work in progress. It truly is liberating to not have anxiety about what people think or say. Awesome article, Shari.
We are all works in progress, dear Will. I always tell my clients, focus only on who ya WANT to be, not on who you DON'T wanna be, and baby steps'll get ya there. Thanks for being a fan, Will. I appreciate your willingness to read my posts!
It is always a pleasure, Shari.
As always, Shari, this was a good read. I read the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, it was recommended by a great therapist years ago when I was at a major turning point in my life. It also helped me try to understand that I couldn't fix the world, I could only change me. When you found me and commented on one of my posts about estrangement, you've been a great help making the break, I needed to make at the time. Your no nonsense articles always strike a cord.
Thank you, Monica… have you looked into My book, DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? It has a broader reach (I think) than Beattie’s book. More comprehensive, and illuminates the dark side of caregiver personalities (been there, done that, cured myself of it, and speak to that process in the book). I include a fair amount of autobiographical material in the book as well, along with a full expose on how we compensate for core trauma wounds (during infancy and early childhood), by becoming Super-Givers.
You can preview my book on Kindle, if interested. Main thing is, if you’ve broken yourself of this compulsive/addictive habit, you’re way ahead of most. :~)
It definitely was a process, Shari, and not an easy one. Which, you indicated yourself. I will check out your book, one can never have too many books! I was fortunate enough to have had two great therapists, several years apart, for two very different reasons, but with the same denominator. They both put things in perspective. Therapists who asked questions, like you, and made you think about your situation outside the realm of singular thinking. I was blessed they came highly recommended. The first one, Melody, and I eventually became friends. I sensed she was fighting her own battles, but it was never talked about. Ebie, was down to earth and wise, and helped me tremendously as I faced recovery during full blown PTSD. Enough of me...I will check out your book this evening. Hugs 😊
Shari - I saw you restacked a post I left so I decided to check yours out considering I don’t run across too many Schreiber’s in these parts. I like what I’m reading here and have subscribed breaking my promise to myself to reduce my Substacks. Well I guess you can never have too much of a good thing 🐸
You’ve inspired me to try being more proactive about what I’m doing in relation to others. Makes a lot of sense to aim high and shoot for the stars.
Thanks, Jeff. I felt tickled when I saw your name on SS. Thanks for subscribing! I can guarantee, ya won't be bored. I'm an acquired taste, but as one who's an educator at heart, I love teaching folks even more about life and love than they've ever been exposed to. An old friend used to say, if ya don't shoot for the moon, you'll never even reach the stars. We're not close anymore, but I think everyone who enters our life leaves behind a useful souvenir. :~)
Imagine what is possible if a large number of us were to come together, examine what we would like to see manifest, and set a course to achieve it.
When I was coming of age, I commenced on a quest for answers to so many questions I had about truth, peace, freedom and fulfillment. The only thing that’s ever made sense to me is to follow my heart. This is what is so incredible about being human. I’m currently working on a Substack to hopefully reach many people including the thousands I’ve gotten to know throughout my life to help them understand that everything that we need and want we already have if we just focus on true love and use our God given common sense.
In a time where things are so fragile and uncertain, wouldn’t it be awesome if we all started working on leaving this beautiful ball 🌎 we are living on a little bit more peaceful, a little better safer and somewhat cleaner than it was when we started our journey?
I spoke to a new friend the other day. He found it easier to anticipate the worst outcome for this election (there are only a few of us conservatives in our neighborhood, and Harris/Walz lawn signs abound).
Children feel disappointment profoundly. It’s incredibly destabilizing for them emotionally, so they grow up feeling a need to avert disappointment at all costs. One way most do this, is to anticipate and expect it… this way, we can pat ourselves on the back for our ‘brilliant’ Prophesy Fulfillment, and the pain of disappointment isn’t nearly as devastating.
For most, our childhood defense against feeling disappointment, is sadly never outgrown. Many still fear and dread it, like the plague. The upshot is, it’s easier for them to adapt to living with misery and discontent, than to hope for more and better.
I’ve encountered this issue for decades within my client base. It takes a bit of time to shift this paradigm, but with the right guidance, it can be done.
I told my friend that metaphysically speaking, that which we envision and give our focus to, is that which we CREATE and manifest. So, rather than emotionally preparing for the worst outcome, I asked him to envision the BEST political outcome (people are terrified to do this, but it’s their inner child that’s defending against feelings of devastation, when things don’t go their way)!
This is all we need to do for this upcoming election, which will either make or break our nation. We must be willing ‘risk’ feeling disappointed for a few days, rather than believing our leftover childhood feelings of devastation will be emotionally insurmountable.
Human nature is a fascinating aspect of life. It’s just tragic, so many are clueless about it (including those who work in the psychotherapeutic field).
Oh, man. I would rather be codependent or whatever else than discuss my toilet experiences in detail with corporate leadership. You do you, though!
This article may be one of your best ones here, Shari! Thanks.
Glad ya found it relatable, useful and informative!
All of these three, thank you!