Is debating really our need to defend our beliefs and be “right” about our position on an issue~ or merely our craving for interaction, stimulation and attention?
About 12 years ago, I actually had a cousin who barely knew me yet nevertheless assumed my religious beliefs and publicly shamed me for said assumed religious beliefs by placing a very large, custom-created banner that read ATHEIST in some flowery black “devil-ish” font on a multi-hues of red “flaming” background of fire 🔥 underneath my FB profile. She certainly spent quite some time creating the banner of shame, so I thought it was only fair to commend her graphic design talent years before a simple app could capture such incredible use of visual imagery. I didn’t care for the sentiment, however.
I reminded her that if I were an ATHEIST, I would not believe in Hell nor Satan. It’s not just about God - it’s the denial of his adversary as well. It’s about the total lack of belief in all of it.
So, the banner, while a thoughtful, “Fuck you. You’re going to burn 🔥 in Hell for eternity, cousin I don’t even know, yet spent all night designing a banner to publicly shame you out of my own misunderstanding of what words mean. Instead of even trying to evangelize you, I went straight for the jugular and condemned your ass to Hell! Publicly!!
I obviously don’t know the meaning of the word ‘libel’ either which is evident when I placed it on your LinkedIn professional profile page as well! I then found every other public forum I could possibly find your name and profile photo to shame you everywhere possible on the World Wide Web. Fuck you for disagreeing with me in my mind!”
I had responded to an earlier thread about ongoing conflicts in the US that warranted the clarification behind the need for the separation of church and state. That made me an atheist in her mind. Agreeing with the constitution made me an atheist. I had to ask the powers at Meta, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. to please remove all posts that were made in bad faith from my this particular user’s account.
Of course, I had to block her on all social networks because YIKES. But first, I asked her why she would feel compelled to post such untrue accusations against me without ever knowing my beliefs nor bothering to ask - just for good measure - before just assuming the worst case scenario (in her estimation?)
OMG… I suspect she’s still “crazy, after all these years.” Such a bizarre story! Wow. Borderlines love to stir shit, just for the hell of it. It feels enlivening to ‘em, and breaks thru their non-feeling bubble they’ve been living in since they first dissociated from difficult emotions around the age of 2.
Creating conflict, drama and chaos (any intense emotion) helps ‘em feel less insignificant/invisible. Every family has skeletons, I guess… but this cousin of yours takes the cake! I have a first cousin who’s psychopathic. It was evident from the time he was young. His sister on the other hand, is a child psychologist. Go figure!
Of course! You make sense out of a lifetime of thinking, “What the hell was THAT about? What did I do say that was so offensive that it deserved such an overreaction?” I honestly thought I had accidentally said something offensive. No. I defended the constitution in a weeks old thread unrelated to my 1st cousin (Yep - however I only see her at funerals - I believe she’s 17 or 18 years my senior, so she was an adult by the time I was just arriving in my paternal family side’s indescribable storyline of dysfunction) and long forgotten.
Now I no longer have to decipher the “meaning” of this bizarre kind of behavior because it is extreme because it was created by someone who feels compelled to be extreme in their daily life as unfortunately, she believes that “extreme” words and actions are necessary to achieve her self-obsession with garnering others’ respect or significance as an authority in all subject matters that I obviously do not know enough about nor claim to have authority, but nor did anyone in that thread. It was just a church and state debate. No one else was extreme in the literal original discussion!!
Therefore, she attributes her own personal indignation (which is totally extreme and unwarranted) by doing something that shows her lack of understanding and respect for others in her inability to control her extreme emotional outburst. She was wrong and using God as her personal justification for doing something so wrong? Wow. That’s terrifying. I backed off. I’m friendly at the funerals, but I was right that I should immediately disengage.
Now that’s an interesting dynamic!! Psychopath and pediatric psychologist who are brother and sister!? That’s a NY Times Bestseller waiting for someone with your brilliance to pen 🖊️ I’d devour it in a weekend…
You know, the “good child” always gets the least attention, which can catalyze high academic and/or professional achievement. They’re usually pathologically Codependent as well (doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, social workers, etc.).
I wish my sister could have read your words of absolute affirmation that she was more than enough. For me, her husband, and her amazing son. Just as she was. She was so loved. Thank you so much, Ms. Shari.
Can surgeons be considered codependent? Or, is this the ultimate choice for the supremely codependent, extremely talented child? They have a great deal of control over life and death.
Many doctors have God complexes. People-Pleasers, fixers, rescuers, those with Hero or Savior complexes (which doesn’t necessarily include ALL physicians, but is inclusive of many), grew up with an impaired maternal object who could not be responsive to their emotional needs for connection or nourishing interplay within a safe and secure bond.
A young child never thinks, “there’s something wrong with my mom, and that’s why I’m lacking the adoration and attention I need.” He automatically assumes HE is defective, unlovable and not good enough, due to these deficits.
His childhood is constantly consumed with efforts to please his (unhappy, discontent) mother, make her smile or laugh, bring her joy~ which would codify his sense of worth to her. Sadly, Borderline Disordered individuals can never be pleased. It’s like trying to fill a well that has a huge fracture at the bottom. Thus, this child grows up never feeling deserving or worthy of being loved.
His romantic choices echo for him this understanding no matter how much he accomplishes or achieves. He typically bonds with/marries people who cannot return his adoration (past the initial “Honeymoon” stage of the relationship).
WHO we grow up loving, whether they return our adoration or not, is who we are attracted to and bond with, in adulthood. Until one resolves and heals their core trauma wounds (standard psychotherapy can’t assist with this), these subconsciously driven choices repeat indefinitely.
Fascinating! I know so several real life examples of exactly this…I just never tethered them with regard to the medical/social-psychological professional career choices that further baffled most people. Myself included.
One particularly interesting example was with a former colleague of mine - her children were equally smart and destined for success in school - pre-pubescent at least - in high school they became more known as the ne’er do well brother, who was so quite affable (on the surface at least), however he battled significant addiction issues and began dealing at an alarmingly youthful age and a scarily large number of escalating criminal offenses would eventually lead to a 1st degree murder charge in his late teens…he beat…only to continue to be a career criminal…
His older sister became an MD and I heard she is now also a surgical resident at the medical school at my own Alma Mater. It’s an impressive accomplishment. She is an impressive young woman. (Is it terrible that I always preferred the company of her less impressive brother?!)
He was charming and charismatic because he was always working us. He was very good at making me believe that he wasn’t as “bad” as people thought he was….he was bad. He just knew how to charm people into believing he wasn’t a threat. I fell for it. I wonder if a jury did as well…
She was, more or less, the perfect child throughout her life…he was the opposite of everything his parents wanted him to be. I never understood the psychological complexity behind the polar opposite dynamic between the two of them but it makes sense now. You’re amazing!
A very good explanation.
Thank you!
Thank you.
I ignore people who try to pick fights with me online. Not worth my energy or time!
Good practice!
Excellent article, Ms. Shari!
About 12 years ago, I actually had a cousin who barely knew me yet nevertheless assumed my religious beliefs and publicly shamed me for said assumed religious beliefs by placing a very large, custom-created banner that read ATHEIST in some flowery black “devil-ish” font on a multi-hues of red “flaming” background of fire 🔥 underneath my FB profile. She certainly spent quite some time creating the banner of shame, so I thought it was only fair to commend her graphic design talent years before a simple app could capture such incredible use of visual imagery. I didn’t care for the sentiment, however.
I reminded her that if I were an ATHEIST, I would not believe in Hell nor Satan. It’s not just about God - it’s the denial of his adversary as well. It’s about the total lack of belief in all of it.
So, the banner, while a thoughtful, “Fuck you. You’re going to burn 🔥 in Hell for eternity, cousin I don’t even know, yet spent all night designing a banner to publicly shame you out of my own misunderstanding of what words mean. Instead of even trying to evangelize you, I went straight for the jugular and condemned your ass to Hell! Publicly!!
I obviously don’t know the meaning of the word ‘libel’ either which is evident when I placed it on your LinkedIn professional profile page as well! I then found every other public forum I could possibly find your name and profile photo to shame you everywhere possible on the World Wide Web. Fuck you for disagreeing with me in my mind!”
I had responded to an earlier thread about ongoing conflicts in the US that warranted the clarification behind the need for the separation of church and state. That made me an atheist in her mind. Agreeing with the constitution made me an atheist. I had to ask the powers at Meta, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. to please remove all posts that were made in bad faith from my this particular user’s account.
Of course, I had to block her on all social networks because YIKES. But first, I asked her why she would feel compelled to post such untrue accusations against me without ever knowing my beliefs nor bothering to ask - just for good measure - before just assuming the worst case scenario (in her estimation?)
She replied, “God placed it on my heart.” ❤️
OMG… I suspect she’s still “crazy, after all these years.” Such a bizarre story! Wow. Borderlines love to stir shit, just for the hell of it. It feels enlivening to ‘em, and breaks thru their non-feeling bubble they’ve been living in since they first dissociated from difficult emotions around the age of 2.
Creating conflict, drama and chaos (any intense emotion) helps ‘em feel less insignificant/invisible. Every family has skeletons, I guess… but this cousin of yours takes the cake! I have a first cousin who’s psychopathic. It was evident from the time he was young. His sister on the other hand, is a child psychologist. Go figure!
Thanks for the kudos, and your comment!
Of course! You make sense out of a lifetime of thinking, “What the hell was THAT about? What did I do say that was so offensive that it deserved such an overreaction?” I honestly thought I had accidentally said something offensive. No. I defended the constitution in a weeks old thread unrelated to my 1st cousin (Yep - however I only see her at funerals - I believe she’s 17 or 18 years my senior, so she was an adult by the time I was just arriving in my paternal family side’s indescribable storyline of dysfunction) and long forgotten.
Now I no longer have to decipher the “meaning” of this bizarre kind of behavior because it is extreme because it was created by someone who feels compelled to be extreme in their daily life as unfortunately, she believes that “extreme” words and actions are necessary to achieve her self-obsession with garnering others’ respect or significance as an authority in all subject matters that I obviously do not know enough about nor claim to have authority, but nor did anyone in that thread. It was just a church and state debate. No one else was extreme in the literal original discussion!!
Therefore, she attributes her own personal indignation (which is totally extreme and unwarranted) by doing something that shows her lack of understanding and respect for others in her inability to control her extreme emotional outburst. She was wrong and using God as her personal justification for doing something so wrong? Wow. That’s terrifying. I backed off. I’m friendly at the funerals, but I was right that I should immediately disengage.
Now that’s an interesting dynamic!! Psychopath and pediatric psychologist who are brother and sister!? That’s a NY Times Bestseller waiting for someone with your brilliance to pen 🖊️ I’d devour it in a weekend…
You know, the “good child” always gets the least attention, which can catalyze high academic and/or professional achievement. They’re usually pathologically Codependent as well (doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, social workers, etc.).
I wish my sister could have read your words of absolute affirmation that she was more than enough. For me, her husband, and her amazing son. Just as she was. She was so loved. Thank you so much, Ms. Shari.
This meant so very much to me. And Anna. 😊💜
Can surgeons be considered codependent? Or, is this the ultimate choice for the supremely codependent, extremely talented child? They have a great deal of control over life and death.
Many doctors have God complexes. People-Pleasers, fixers, rescuers, those with Hero or Savior complexes (which doesn’t necessarily include ALL physicians, but is inclusive of many), grew up with an impaired maternal object who could not be responsive to their emotional needs for connection or nourishing interplay within a safe and secure bond.
A young child never thinks, “there’s something wrong with my mom, and that’s why I’m lacking the adoration and attention I need.” He automatically assumes HE is defective, unlovable and not good enough, due to these deficits.
His childhood is constantly consumed with efforts to please his (unhappy, discontent) mother, make her smile or laugh, bring her joy~ which would codify his sense of worth to her. Sadly, Borderline Disordered individuals can never be pleased. It’s like trying to fill a well that has a huge fracture at the bottom. Thus, this child grows up never feeling deserving or worthy of being loved.
His romantic choices echo for him this understanding no matter how much he accomplishes or achieves. He typically bonds with/marries people who cannot return his adoration (past the initial “Honeymoon” stage of the relationship).
WHO we grow up loving, whether they return our adoration or not, is who we are attracted to and bond with, in adulthood. Until one resolves and heals their core trauma wounds (standard psychotherapy can’t assist with this), these subconsciously driven choices repeat indefinitely.
These things are factually accurate, so I am unconcerned if anyone reads them and makes a correlation.
Fascinating! I know so several real life examples of exactly this…I just never tethered them with regard to the medical/social-psychological professional career choices that further baffled most people. Myself included.
One particularly interesting example was with a former colleague of mine - her children were equally smart and destined for success in school - pre-pubescent at least - in high school they became more known as the ne’er do well brother, who was so quite affable (on the surface at least), however he battled significant addiction issues and began dealing at an alarmingly youthful age and a scarily large number of escalating criminal offenses would eventually lead to a 1st degree murder charge in his late teens…he beat…only to continue to be a career criminal…
His older sister became an MD and I heard she is now also a surgical resident at the medical school at my own Alma Mater. It’s an impressive accomplishment. She is an impressive young woman. (Is it terrible that I always preferred the company of her less impressive brother?!)
He was charming and charismatic because he was always working us. He was very good at making me believe that he wasn’t as “bad” as people thought he was….he was bad. He just knew how to charm people into believing he wasn’t a threat. I fell for it. I wonder if a jury did as well…
She was, more or less, the perfect child throughout her life…he was the opposite of everything his parents wanted him to be. I never understood the psychological complexity behind the polar opposite dynamic between the two of them but it makes sense now. You’re amazing!
LOL… I guess you’re right!
Hahahaha I'm I just wrote this two days AGO ON SUBSTACK... MAYBE TRY BEING ORIGINAL.
Except you think you above it. In my mind that make you part of the clueless...
Here's an article where you might actually learn something.
Your pathetic article doesn't prove you we right... it just echoes in your chamber of self delusional IMPORTANTANCE.
YOU CLEARLY THINK YOUR ARE SMARTER THAN ANYONE BUT THAT ARTICLE WAS A PURE SMEAR campaign for your righteous ass.
You say they DON'T SAY ANYTHING... Then you egregiously do the same.
Go back to LinkedIn where you BELONG!!!!
THIS IS CALLED COMMUNICATION. MAYBE TRY IT INSTEAD OF BEING A KEYBOARD COWARD!